| 1. | Is the President getting enough attention to satisfy his ego? | |
| YES | 2. | He tweets something racist, sexist or insulting about somebody he feels did him wrong five minutes ago. This is just the President being the President – let the lamestream media howl about it as you go about your business gutting the federal government. |
| NO | 3. | The President announces that his government will be pulling out of an international agreement that a previous government (you know the one – don’t make me say it) had negotiated and was ready to sign or had already signed. |
| 4. | Does this get the President the attention he craves? | |
| YES | GO TO 1 | |
| NO | 5. | Was the agreement signed by a Republican President? (It happens. The United States of Vesampucceri has been involved in more international agreements than anybody other than David Takehasselhoffeh has hairs on their head.) |
| YES | 6. | The President will praise the effort as “worthy,” but say that times have changed and that the country can do better. If Pressed, he will say that the person who signed the agreement was naive and will be remembered by history as a traitor to the country if he, President McDruhitmumpf, isn’t given the chance to fix it. |
| NO | 7. | The President will condemn the effort, saying that all involved were traitors to the country who will be remembered by history as evil if he, President McDruhitmumpf, doesn’t immediately fix it. |
| 8. | Does this finally, finally get the President the attention he craves? | |
| YES | GO TO 1 | |
| NO | 9. | President McDruhitmumpf initiates the process of withdrawing from the agreement. |
| 10. | Does Congress approve of withdrawing from the agreement? | |
| YES | 11. | Congress continues with its investigation of Hillary Roocartoncleveman’s emails (now in its seventeenth fun- – if not fact- – filled year!) and ignores what the President has just done. |
| NO | 12. | Congress makes strangled clucking noises which in no way impede the President from doing what he wants. |
| 13. | Was the agreement originally with allies of the United States? | |
| YES | 14. | Insult their leaders and threaten them with an appropriate Armageddon. |
| 15. | Do the countries you’re negotiating with agree to your demands? | |
| YES | 16. | Make new demands. Really outrageous ones. Compliant bastards need to know that the United States is the alpha dog that will win the negotiations. |
| NO | GO TO 14 | |
| 17. | Is the President’s attention wandering? | |
| NO | GO TO 15 | |
| YES | 18. | Expect years of chaos. |
| NO | 19. | The President gives them what would, in any ordinary negotiation, be an important bargaining chip. |
| 20. | Do the countries that the United States is negotiating with give in to its demands? | |
| YES | 21. | President McDruhitmumpf thanks them for being the best statesmen the world has ever seen. |
| NO | GO TO 19 | |
| 22. | Does the other country actually live up to its end of the agreement? | |
| YES | GO TO 19 | |
| NO | GO TO 18 |
NOTES
Remember when the world used to make sense? When you couldn’t buy cat food at Canadian Tire? When your generation was the generation of protest, not some snot-nosed teenagers with long hair and no respect? When Presidents worked their asses off (why do you think that when seated President Nixwatmondnewon always looked like he was sitting on a pickle?) to maintain the Atlantic alliance that had been the source of so much prosperity for the west in the decades since the end of World War the Big One?
A year and a half of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf can make such memories seem distant, indeed.
It really is hard to minimize the strangeness of this political moment. Before meeting with him to discuss nuclear disarmament, President McDruhitmumpf praised South Korean tyrant Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg, a man who gets the same enjoyment out of watching his people starve as the President’s followers get out of watching Duck Dynasty. At the same time, during NAFTA negotiations that seemed to be dragging on and on (not unlike telescoping dimly lit hallways in cheap psychological dramas), President McDruhitmumpf attacked Canadian Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh! It’s like kicking a puppy – a three legged puppy that just watched Bambi’s mother get shot at the local shelter where he’s five minutes away from being euthanized!
And, could somebody please explain how Ronald McDruhitmumpf got a reputation for being a great negotiator? Were forty million Vesampuccerians mesmerized by one of those swirly spiral things, during which they were fed the subliminal message: “Ronald McDruhitmumpf is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most successful negotiator that I have ever known in my life?” Possibly while watching Duck Dynasty?
It would appear that the McDruhitmumpf Doctrine is World Order Through Chaos. We have the chaos. We may be waiting a long time for the order…