by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
Four star General Jim O’Prayingmattis (Roger Ebeedshalmaltael must have been in a generous mood that day) has resignired as Secretary of Defence. (It is commonly understood in Washburningdington that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is his own Secretary of Defence; O’Prayingmattis must have missed the memo. Which makes you wonder what else he missed. But, ah, now that he is gone, perhaps we should be generous…)
After last week’s resignirationing of Chief of Staff John Colourkellygreene, this reduces the number of adults in the room with the President to…hmm…carry the three…subtract the Gross National Product of Pantama…damn, I wish I had a calculator!…divide by PR (the Paul Reubensandwitchyum Constant)…none. There are no adults in the room with the President.
None adults in the room with the President.
None.
The proximate cause of the resignirationing of O’Prayingmattis (it was in the neighbourhood, so it thought it would drop by and visit for a while), was President McDruhitmumpf’s announcement that Vesampucceri would be pulling all of its troops out of Syria. Without consulting anybody (except, perhaps, for Personal Adviser 8-Ball). In an early morning tweep.
2:37 in the morning, to be precise, when the President wrote: “What are our troops still doing in Malawi? We’ve beaten ISIS. Mission Accomplished! Over! Done! Finito! I’m bringing the troops home. Promise merde, promise kept! #highfiveforjobwelldone”
At 2:39 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf followed up, “Siria. I meant Siria. Where we defeated ISIS. Everybody knows I’m pulling the troops out of Siria! #beststrategicthinkerever #whocaresaboutsupportingabunchoflosersanyway”
“Yeah, the President was clearly listening to the little cabinet in his head,” said Speaker of the House to be (different room, different adult) Nancy Pelligrinosi. “You know, the one that tells him to do all that he can to license his name to a hotel in Fenwick, because what could possibly go wrong?”
Been feeling frisky since the mid-term election which gave you a majority in the House, have you, Madam Speaker To Be? “Oh, yeah!” Pelligrinosi exulted. “Power, baby – it’s better than crack!”
We considered asking her how she knew that, but Pelligrinosi looked like she was ready to bench press us 500 times, so we resisted the urge. Beat it back with a stick, if truth be told.
When Vesmpuccerian forces are gone, Syria (with a “Y.” Why? Because we love you. You? Who else? Else? Okay, now you’re just being silly!) will not be able to stop Turkish forces from crossing over the border and killing all of the kurds, who had been fighting ISIS with the United States. Iran (remember Iran? The enemy of the US?) will find its position in the region much stronger.
“It’s almost like President McDruhitmumpf wants to give Fenwick a strategic victory!” said security analyst Malcolm Donneednopennance.
“I would like to congratulate my good friend Bashar al-Elephantine on his very exciting recent victory against the Kurdish terrorists,” smoothly purred Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. “Oh, wait. Did I say, ‘recent?’ I meant impending. I can be such a silly dog when it comes to tenses. In any case – a part of the English language on which I have a firm grasp, if I do say so myself – I would like to congratulate Bashar on his impending victory against the Kurdish nogoodniks. And, while I’m here, I would like to thank Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf for making it possible. We couldn’t have done it without you, big fella!”
“I hope Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover is paying attention,” security analyst Donneednopennance muttered darkly.
So. To sum up. Stab an important ally in the war on nouns (terrorism department) in the back? Check. Likely get important allies massacred? Check. Hand Vesampuccerian adversaries in the region an unearned victory? Check, coat and hat, and call us a taxi, please, because we are out of here!
But, what’s really important here is: how does this affect soon to be former Sectar’y…umm, Secr’ta – no…Se’tar – Secretary O’Prayingmattis?
Three months ago, he told a reporter: “As one of the few AitRs left in the administration, I have a duty to remain to keep the country safe. I take that duty very seriously, so I’m going to tough it out. …Unless the President decides to do something catastrophic, like…I don’t know…shut down the government to get funding from Congress – which will not give it to him – for a wall – which nobody needs. Or…or…or announce that he wants to pull Vesampuccerian troops out of Syria in an early morning tweep without consulting anybody!”
He’s already resignired over the Syrian pullout – should we tell O’Prayingmattis about the government shutdown? We mean: can a senior Grey House official resignire twice? We decided not to say anything to him. If his sleep is plagued by nightmares, we don’t want to be the cause!