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The Daily Me – Vicic Ellithorpe

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Thank you, Vicic Ellithorpe, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. You know how spring brings with it the promise of renewed life? The sun is shining. The flowers are in bloom. The trees are sprouting new leaves. Children are laughing and playing and there seems to be a smile on every set of lips? Do you have any idea how bad that is for the news business? Heartless bastards!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Edith Piaf He Ain’t

The Former Prime Minister Regrets

You don’t have to have the memory of an elephant
To give testimony at the hearings of Oliphant
You just have to have a story to tell

That would-be briber
Karlheinz Schreiber
Testified Mulroney had something to sell

The former Prime Minister admits it was rash
To accept an envelop full of cash
That it should have set off an alarm bell

But, he insists his morals weren’t sleeping
It was just a matter of bad bookkeeping
A subject on which he would rather not dwell

Come on! You know the fact is
He did get around…eventually…six years later…to paying his taxes
So, all’s well that ends well?

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/265.html]

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Checks And Imbalances

The United States does not torture.
Waterboarding is not torture.
The United States has never waterboarded anybody.
YOU ARE HERE: The United States has only waterboarded three people, and the government believed that it was necessary to protect the country.
Okay, the United States has waterboarded 17 people, but the government believed that it was necessary to protect the country.
Okay, the United States waterboarded 32 people…that we know of so far, but the government believed that it was necessary to protect the country.
Okay, it turns out that waterboarding and other forms of torture – which the United States didn’t engage in – actually made the country less safe, but everybody involved in the programme is now dead, so what are you going to do about it?

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=630&dir=bb]

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And, You Thought English/French Canadian Relations Were Fraught!

How mind-bogglingly complex is the Indian election? India is home to almost five times as many Muslims as the entire population of Canada. Its Christian population alone is almost as large as Canada’s. And, these are just India’s minorities!

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088447831813&call_pageid=968368278492&col=968606972154]

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If It’s Any Consolation, They’re Not Enjoying It

The new exhibit by Gunther von Hagens shows four plastinated couples having sex. My first reaction, of course, is how unfair it is that dead bodies encased in clear plastic are having more sex than I am!

SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]

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Somebody Clearly Needs Better Paper Training

In a column last week, I wrote that the “Buy American” policy of the United States government could actually be a good thing for Canadian business, which would be forced to get off its fat ass, stop going after the low-hanging fruit of the American market and actually diversify its customer base by developing other foreign markets.

This was a mistake. What I meant to say was: bad, Americans. Bad.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=47ddcd7-f6f3-4f4f-9g25-a2eb4cc6a525]

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Be My Bybee


“[C]ruel, inhuman or degrading treatment” is only torture if it is “equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death.” Torture would not violate the law if the torturer didn’t have “specific intent” to cause pain, and, even if he did, “a showing that an individual acted with a good faith belief that his conduct would not produce a result that the law prohibits negates specific intent.”

– Jay Bybee, legal opinion, 2002

“The only thing we have to enforce our judgments is the power of our words. When these words lose their ordinary meaning – when they become so elastic that they may mean the opposite of what they appear to mean – we cede our own right to be taken seriously.”


– Jay Bybee, legal opinion, 2006

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]

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Are You More Desperate For Escapist Entertainment Than A 4th Grader?

8pm. Fox. Are You Smarter Than a 4th Grader? Guest: Condoleezza Rice. Verdict: No.

9pm. Fox. Are You More Intimidating Than a 4th Grader? Guest: Dick Cheney. Verdict: the producers of this show may find themselves arrested on charges of child abuse.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F&regMode=0]

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Times Are Hard – You Should Be, Too

Pfizer has announced that it will be giving free drugs to people who have recently lost their jobs, including the sexual enhancement drug Viagra. Representatives of the company say they want to keep the spirits of the jobless up. Of course, spirits are not the only things they’ll be keeping up.

You have to wonder about how smart this move is, though. I mean, is it really a good idea to encourage people who have lost their jobs to engage in behaviours that could lead them to having more children?

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]

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Taking Acting With Your Hair To A Whole New Level

Angels and Demons is one of those rare occasions when a sequel is better than the original. The difference can be summed up in three simple words: Tom Hank’s hair. In The Da Vinci Code, Tom Hanks’ hair was trying way too hard to be quirky, and its performance came off as contrived and false. In Angels and Demons, the hair looks more natural, more comfortable on Tom Hanks’ head; it fits seamlessly with rather than detracting from the action.

The rest of the movie is okay, too.

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0028990/]

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“Development Hell” Takes On A Whole New Meaning

Pakistan’s Minister of Investment and Privatization Naveed Qamar has called upon Canada to increase humanitarian aid to that country, which needs medicine and tents for displaced people, as well as more money to build and repair schools. “We can’t privatize what we don’t have,” Qamar pointed out.

Meanwhile, Fauzia Wahab, chief spokesperson for the ruling Pakistan People’s Party, said that Canada should drop its ban on military exports to his country. When it was pointed out to him that the ban was a response to Pakistan developing nuclear weapons in contravention of international treaties, Wahab turned his eyes down, kicked the dirt with the toe of his boot and winsomely asked, “Well, gee. It’s been 11 years – how long are you gonna hold that against us?”

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPRTWZMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReMD/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZusF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21211]

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