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The Daily Me Staff
Democracy? Its Survival Is Nip And Tucker…
CARLSON: Am I the worst human being on the planet? (eyes widen in disbelief at what he is saying) Fortunately, the answer is no. (face relaxes) I am not the worst human being on the planet. Donald Trump is. Eep! (Carlson puts his fist in his mouth, trying to stop the words from coming out, but he removes it soon enough) Okay, then. Am I the second worst human being on the planet? There’s a lot of competition for this position. Steve – unnnngh! – Bannon, for example. Or, Marjorie…Marjorie…Marjorie – no, no, no! – Taylor Greene. (exhales loudly) Let’s just – let’s look at the facts. I am a prime purveyor of COVID misinformation, so I likely have the blood of thousands of people who otherwise wouldn’t have died on my hands. (grimaces, although whether from guilt or embarrassment is unclear) I have made so many false statements about January 6 – stop it! – that you could fill a book with them, making me one of the – stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! – people most responsible for killing American democracy. I’m the one who farted in the elevator! Am I the second worst human being on the planet? I’m just asking the question. (sighs elaborately)
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon! The remake of Liar! Liar! starring Tucker Carlson.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0178353/]
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Parents Should Lead By Example
But Not You, Ma’am, Or You, Sir, Or You, Or You…
THEN: I don’t want my children being poisoned by political indoctrination in public schools. I’ll home teach them!
NOW: I don’t want my children to suffer from poor socialization by being taught at home. They have to return to classrooms!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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And By Everybody, We Mostly Mean People On Ventilators Whose Voices Can Barely Be Heard, So We Don’t Expect The Republican’s Policies To Change
Everybody is asking where Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is as his state is wracked with COVID.
We can now report that he has travelled to the future to ensure his victory in the 2024 Republican Presidential primaries. It is unclear how being in the future helps him achieve this; it is clear, though, that his chances of doing something boneheaded and losing votes are greatly lessened the longer he stays out of the present.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=42302641310041310007fx]
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Sometimes The Dots Connect Themselves
Toronto faces a budget gap of more than $1 billion in 2022 as the pandemic drags on much longer than expected… That was top of the mind as the city launched the 2022 budget on Thursday, one that asks residents to contribute Toronto’s largest property tax increase of the past decade – 44 per cent more. The Toronto police board has unanimously approved a $1.1 billion operating budget for the city’s police in 2022, a nearly $25 million increase greenlit despite the protests of some citizens who urged reduced spending – or at least more time to review the numbers.
“The revenues are not going to spring back, the costs are not going to disappear next year and the year after,” [City Manager Chris Murray] said. “We’re about to reach the two-year mark in this pandemic, and policing is by no means the top priority for our city,” said Abigail Clark.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Remember The Outrage Over Calling Right Wingers Deplorables?
We Were So Much Younger Then…
Speeches we wish they gave: President Joe Biden, January 14, 2022:
“Hello, my fellow Americans. It’s been a long, tough road since we first learned about COVID. Today, it is my sad duty to announce that the douchenozzles have won. It is now inevitable that most Americans will get COVID at some point in their lives. Way to go, douchenozzles. Your dedication to putting your lives and the lives of everybody around you at risk has resulted in hundreds of thousands of unnecessary deaths. The United States of America has now become the United States of Douchenozzles. If I had the energy, I would push for a Constitutional amendment to change the name of the country in recognition of this fact. However, the douchenozzles in Republican state houses across America would undoubtedly oppose the measure in order to deny me a victory. A victory. Hunh. Douchenozzles have some strange ideas about what winning means…”
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Even Mercator Maps?
The United States has advised its citizens not to travel to Canada. Some Canadians are outraged, but fair is fair: Canada has advised its citizens not to travel to anywhere. Anywhere is a much bigger place than Canada. It’s true. We have maps. We checked.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Intimidate HR? They usually RUN HR!
A wave of serial killers has filed wrongful dismissal claims in protest of employers’ anti-horror in the workplace mandates.
“What I do in my spare time is my business,” said one of the claimants, who asked to be identified as Dexter Poindexter. “You can’t force an employee to…to…to face losing their job if they don’t stop collecting stamps or binge watching The In Crown. Why is torturing and murdering people any different?”
Lawyers who had previously argued that public safety should trump workers’ rights cowered in a corner, whimpering.
SOURCE: Business Law Daily
[http://biz.mcferber.biz/pubs/BLD/login]
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If You Can Read It On A Car, It Must Be True
Nine bumper stickers about a terrible time
1. 2021: the year that gave the term “clusterfuck” a bad name
2. 2021: the year we lost faith in calendars
3. 2021: the year that laughed behind everybody’s backs so loud that we could all hear it
4. 2021: the year democracy was put on life support
5. 2021: the year that couldn’t be encapsulated by a million bumper stickers, no matter how clever
6. 2021: the year “hopelessness” was chosen as the OED’s word of the year
7. 2021: the year that really drew down the national fucks reserves
8. 2021: the year that felt like a decade
9. 2021: the year that didn’t quite make 2020 respectable, but did lessen the embarrassment people felt mentioning it in polite company
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2022/January/Calendar_Calumny.asp]
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