Thank you, Rhoda Dendron, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, our throats burned and our eyes got itchy and blurry and…burny, as well. The air was thick with the scent of wood smoke…from over 500 miles away. And we thought, You know, we’ve always wondered what it would feel like to have a 10 pack a day cigarette addiction. It’s not as much fun as we thought it would be.
Okay, honestly, that’s not what we thought. We had never wondered what a cigarette addiction would feel like, because we couldn’t imagine it would be much fun. What we actually thought was: Well, isn’t that ironic? During COVID, we had to mask up indoors and could take off the masks once we were outdoors. Now, we can be maskless indoors, but for our health we need to wear masks outdoors!
Yeah, truth be told, we didn’t think that either. We were never really big Alannis fans. You want to know what we really thought? The world is going to hell, and it’s all our fault!
You…can probably see why we would want you to believe we had a different reaction.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You Know – Chastity Belts? What Do You Mean You’ve Never Heard Of –
Oh, Go Ask Your Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Great-Grandmothers!
Always eager to push the woke envelop, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has just signed into law a bill that would ban the wearing of chastity belts.
“We banned the use of woke contraception because it wokely interfered with the creation of the pre-born,” DeSantis told an adoring crowd at a rally in Nogales. “But it isn’t the only woke thing that wokely interferes with conception – in a woke manner. Chastity belts are a woke slap in the face to everybody who believes in freedom. It’s time for that woke custom to come to Florida so it can die!”
Political commentator Lawrence O’Donnell shook his head sadly and asked, “You ever get the feeling that DeSantis is getting desperate to find new wedge issues?”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2023-06-05-florida-man-jokes-no-longer-funny_x.htm]
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When Somebody Talks About The Free Market, Business Leaders Think The Term Means Not Having To Pay For Labour
BUSINESS: We need more skilled workers.
LABOUR ECONOMISTS: There are plenty of skilled workers on unemployment lines. Offer them more money, and they will work for you.
BUSINESS: Where can we find more skilled workers?
LABOUR ECONOMISTS: On the unemployment line. Offer them more money.
BUSINESS: I’ve got it! We need to allow more skilled workers to immigrate from other countries.
LABOUR ECONOMISTS: More money. Offer workers more money!
BUSINESS: I’ll get in touch with my government contacts and explore how we can increase the flow of skilled workers from other countries into Canada.
LABOUR ECONOMISTS: You really don’t want to hear this, do you?
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=614&dir=bb]
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I Promised Myself I Would Stop Writing Rude Headlines, Especially When They Were So Obvious, But My Inner Five Year-Old Threw A Temper Tantrum, So…
In a major shift, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will now weigh whether to call a public inquiry into foreign elections interference after former governor general David Johnston stunned the government Friday, resigning as outside adviser after weeks of controversy over his appointment and the conclusions of his interim report. Boris Johnson quit his seat in the U.K. Parliament, denouncing as a “kangaroo court” the panel of lawmakers investigating his behaviour and attacking the policies of the current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak.
“I always thought that Mr. Johnston is an honourable man and today’s decision shows that,” Singh said. “The committee’s report is riddled with inaccuracies and reeks of prejudice,” Johnson said in a statement issued late on Friday.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Hell Is Other Preachers
Hell-a-vision
midnight to 6am
Burn in Hell, With George Wallace
Tonight, George welcomes a very special guest: Pat Robertson. Despite his best efforts to make Pat feel at home (since this will now be his home for all of eternity), the right-wing televangelist appears to be confused and argumentative, insisting that he had done God’s will and that it wasn’t fair that he ended up…in this place. Hilarity ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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If A Date Looks At You With DEWy Eyes – RUN!
In an effort to divert people’s attention from global climate change, American pundits argue that the Canadian government is to blame for the fires raging in the west. Over video of a helicopter dropping fire on the forest, one conspiracy twerp tweeped, “It seems Canada isn’t sophisticated enough to use Directed Energy Weapons (DEWs). Looks like they opted for a drone with a flame thrower instead.”
As it happens, I didn’t know what back burning was, either.
But that’s not the point. The point is that conspiracies blaming Canada are lazy. The conspiracy all the cool kids are currently sharing is that New York was covered in a red haze because aliens temporarily transported the entire island of Manhattan to Mars. Seriously, if you’re going to promote conspiracy theories, go big or go drone!
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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A Man Who Cuts Through Norms Like A Political Lawn Mower
Should Never Be Allowed Anywhere Near The Poilievres Of Power!
The Poilievres of Power
The leader of the Conservatives think he’s a smarty
When he says he would like to create a “mind your own business” party.
Let the racists, misogynists and homophobes speak in the public square!
Does their speech cause harms? He doesn’t care!
Freedom of speech is not for the weak but the hardy!
Pierre, oh Pierre, as an intellect, you don’t tower
That’s why you should never be allowed near the Poilievres of Power
When you listen to the Conservative version,
You will be asked to believe that paying taxes is a form of coercion.
The leader will put on a face surpassingly bland
When he quotes the most outrageous ideas of Ayn Rand,
Echoing, to humanity, her extreme aversion.
Pierre, oh Pierre, you know how to glower,
But you should never be allowed near the Poilievres of Power
Celebrating diversity is a form of control, he said, with no hint of a joke.
“I believe in judging people on their personal identity, not on their group identity,” he spoke.
I would be more inclined his point to see
If he could get Nazis, homophobes and anti-Semites to agree.
Oh, and if he stopped using the meaningless American right-wing talking point “woke.”
Pierre, oh Pierre, your extremism grows more tiresome by the hour;
One more reason you should never be allowed near the Poilievres of Power.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/873.html]
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