Thank you, Purple “Gimme Shelter” Bookkeeper, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, did you use a Farcebook meme to sign up for The Daily Me? It looks like to generate a name, you were asked to use your favourite colour + the last song you heard + your father’s profession – is that right? Because now everybody in our office is doing it. Martin in tech support wants to be known from now on as Fuschia “Yummy Yummy Yummy, I Got Love in My Tummy” Autoworker. Regina in accounting fancies herself Oyster White “Eve of Destruction” Dance Instructor. Even Evan in editorial has started referring to himself as Lime Green “Fish Heads” Failed Writer/Insurance adjuster. Lime Green “Fish Heads” Failed Writer/Insurance adjuster! Evan! Who thinks jokes about the Merovingian Heresy are the height of wit!
Farcebook memes are killing this country’s productivity!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Typical Florida DeSantics
Why does Florida Governor Ron DeSantis so often look like he’s trying to pass a bowling ball? And I’m not talking about those puny five pin balls, either. No, a proper 18 pound 10 pin bowling ball!
So. Florida passed a law that homosexuality could not be discussed with grade three students or earlier because exposing them to too much fabulousness at too young an age would give them the wrong idea about how the world works. Students who have a pair of fabulous parents will have to pretend one of them was of the opposite sex, or that they were just platonic roommates, or that one of them was the other’s imaginary buddy – the consequences of the law may not have been fully thought through.
In response, the Walt Disney Corporation belatedly and tepidly objected to the law, arguing that fabulousness is ageless, and all children should learn that it exists. In response to this response, DeSantis accused the Walt Disney Corporation of being “woke.”
Accused the Walt Disney Corporation of being “woke.” Accused. The. Walt. Disney. Corporation. Of being “woke.”
Everybody knows that Mickey Mouse teaches six year-olds about Critical Race Theory. Yeah. Sure, he does. And Goofy is an organizer of Black Lives Matter rallies. Who didn’t know that? And the seven dwarves are labour activists who lobby the government to increase the minimum wage to 14 dollars. And Bambi is an eco-warrior who writes national newspaper op-eds about weaning the country off fossil fuels.
Is the opposite of “woke” “slept?” If so, people in the Basket of Deplorables should really invest in better alarm clocks!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
Lowjinks Ensue
Negotiations Crashers
starring Vince Vaughan, Owen Wilson
written by Vladimir Putin
directed by Vladimir Putin
Vaughan (Roman A.) and Wilson (Oleg D.) play oligarchs who get their kicks by crashing peace negotiations between Russia and nations it would like to subjugate. However, when they try to crash discussions between Russia and Ukraine, Vaughan falls for the cute aide to the Ukrainian President. Can the boys maintain their carefree lifestyle in the face of massive civilian slaughter, crippling international economic sanctions and…love?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0178350/]
Not The Hillier Most People Would Want To Die On
Independent MP Randy Hillier (who proudly sports a “Liberals don’t want me and Conservatives are afraid I’ll take over” tattoo on…a private part of his anatomy), has asked for the public’s help paying his legal bills. He has been charged with nine counts related to the so-called trucker convoy protests that plagued Ottawa for several weeks.
No truckers appeared outside the jail where Hillier was being held. None of the people who participated in the convoy clogged the streets of Ottawa demanding his release. I guess he has received a lesson in what it truly means to be independent.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2022/03/29/509727.html]
You Can’t Bluff Your Way Past A Land Mine (It Has +27 Sense Motive)
Ukraine has taken back areas around Kyiv from the Russian invaders that had held it. The country is cautiously moving its troops into the area, concerned that the Russian army seeded the land with traps before it withdrew.
“What we need is a rogue with an excellent spot check ability,” said Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “Unfortunately, we didn’t adequately prepare the party, and most of our team are diplomats with a medium to high bluff ability.”
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2022/apr/02/peace-negotiations-pie-in-the-zelensky]
Really? Are you Aware Of The Popularity Of Wartime Prime Ministers?
The Ontario Science Advisory Table has announced that cases of new COVID-19 infections have doubled since the province dropped vaccine passport mandates. How did the government respond? By reimposing mandates until the science said it was safe? By advocating for social distancing and mask wearing in public until the science said it was safe? By listening at all to the poor, denigrated science?
Naaah! The Ontario government disbanded the independent Science Advisory Table.
Listen up, Premier asshole! No politician ever got reelected by being responsible for the deaths of large numbers of his supporters!
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$.htm#_)!(*)!*)*)*.htm#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
Trial By No Trial – The Wisdom Is Positively Sufiyan!
“What about Abraham, who said to god, ‘Shouldn’t we wait until Isaac has more meat on his bones?’ Never got a trial! Darth Vader, who kept telling everybody he wasn’t bad, he just really liked the cookies at the Dark Side Bakery? Never got a trial! Sufiyan Barhoumi, who spent 20 years at Guantanamo Bay on suspicion of being a terrorist, before he was finally repatriated to Algeria? Never got a trial! Will Smith, who only slapped people in the name of peace and love? Never. Got. A. Trial!”
– Red Buttons
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
He Has Obviously Never Heard The Truism “People Whose Children Work In Glass Corporations Shouldn’t Throw Out Accusations Of Corruption”
Amid the carnage in Ukraine, former President Donald Trump asked Vladimir Putin to release any information he might have about a Russian oligarch giving money to a company co-founded by Hunter Biden, current President Joe Biden’s son. Trump did. Would he, Donald Trump, be the person whose children are all being investigated for varying degrees of corruption and moral turpitude (it’s like moral turpentine, only more corrosive)? Believe it!
The absurd ironyometer wonders if maybe it should have listened to its mother and gone into law enforcement. The Trump family alone would have given it job security for life!
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]