Thank you, Nasten’ka, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. What, is that, like, Klingon? Surely, as a Klingon, you couldn’t possibly object to us adopting Lindsay Lohan, right? I mean, everybody knows how important family is to Klingons…because it…uhh…legitimizes the procreation of new warriors to defend Klingon honour. Yeah. Right. That’s it. Legitimizes procreation. Of course, when you put it that way, adopting Lindsay Lohan seems relatively unimportant.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Let’s Hope Harper Has Better Luck Choosing A Soulmate Than Bush Did
Prime Minister Stephen Harper is planning on having a sleepover at his cottage with Mexican President Felipe Calderon. There will be a pillow fight at 9 pm, followed by three hours of exchanging intimate secrets by candlelight, after which the two will sneak into the kitchen for an unplanned hot chocolate raid at precisely 12:03.
The next day, the pair will announce that they have had fruitful discussions on expanding trade between the two countries, coming to the conclusion that teenage boys are icky because they just are.
SOURCE: Teen Persons
[http://www.teenpersonsmag.com/starstuff/happenings/stephenandfelipesittinginatree.shtml]
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If The Terrorists Win, Then The Terrorists Will Have Won
The President’s emphasis on not letting the terrorists win (which, despite the ubiquity of the sentiment, he somehow never manages to equate with Americans “losing”), reduces international politics to a football match. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. Decades of the dumbing down of news has prepared us for this simplistic rhetoric, just like the repeated pounding of a steak with a hammer makes the meat more tender when cooked.
Mmm…steak. With onions, and garlic mashed potatoes on the side.
Sorry. What was I saying?
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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There Are Certainly Enough Ambulances There To Chase
“Lawyers critical to Afghanistan, convention hears”
– Globe and Mail headline
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1876533562]
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He’s Been A Baaaaaaaaad Boy!
Q: How can former Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman claim that people are stopping him in the street and begging him to return to the city’s highest office?
A: Most of his supporters vividly remember the day in 1946 when they lost their virginity, but they don’t remember anything about when he was in power. They do know that they really like the apple sauce in the home, though.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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The Glass Is Half-poisoned
Critics of the war on Iraq have harped on the bad news, completely ignoring all of the good things that are happening. Here are some of them:
The amount of money missing due to governmental corruption, as uncovered in investigations by Iraq’s top anti-corruption investigator, Judge Rahdi al Rahdi was $11 billion. And, now that they know exactly how much money is missing, the Iraqi government can find it!
The number of Iraqi civilians killed in July in mass-casualty bomb attacks was 378, a sharp rise over June. It may appear as though the five-month US surge has caused “no appreciable change” in vehicle-bomb attacks, but imagine how many more there would have been had there not been more American troops in the country!
The number of American military deaths in the surge months, February-July 2007 was 572, 189 more American deaths than in the same set of months in 2004, 215 more than in 2005 and 237 more than in 2006. Of course, given the troop surge, those numbers were bound to go up!
The number of foreign fighters held by the US military in Iraq is 135 (nearly half of which are Saudis). And, I’m thinking: good thing Saudi Arabia is an American ally!
Northrop Grumman has just announced a 15% second-quarter increase in sales
over 2006 for its information and services division, 7% for its electronics division; General Dynamics’ combat systems unit just recorded a 19% rise in sales. Lockheed Martin’s profits went up 34% to $778 million. We knew the war was good for the American economy, but we didn’t realize how much!
And, these are just a few of the startling numbers coming out of Iraq. So, don’t believe people when they tell you we aren’t winning the war!
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113673397491964304,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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Avoiding Flip Flops No Longer Just For Politicians
US orthopedists and podiatrists are seeing a rash of flip-flop injuries. “I understand that people want to wear comfortable shoes in the summer,” said John Gray, a spokesman for the American Podiatric Medical Association, “but it’s a really bad idea to wear flip-flops while on the job at a construction site.”
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v54/i36/36a02601.htm]
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What Are We Teaching The Children (About Really Messing With Public Monuments)?
A recent letter argued that we should make military service mandatory as part of sentencing for vandals. Brilliant. Afghanistan is a veritable playground for vandals. When they come back, they will have learned how to vandalize public monuments with howitzers and tanks.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070812.eladvote0812_@/BNStory/newsVandals2007/]
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Two Birds, One Plutonium Tipped Stone
Experts have concluded that a relatively small regional exchange of nuclear weapons would trigger a ten-year nuclear winter. In a related story, President Bush announced that he had figured out a way to combat global warming, saying that he’s eager to try the method out in Iran.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Aug11.html]
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Our Troops Are Doing A Terrible Job…Unless They’re Doing A Great Job
“The security situation in Afghanistan over the past two years has definitely deteriorated. There is no doubt about that.”
– Afghan President Hamid Karzai then
“They [the Taliban]’re not posing any threat to the government in Afghanistan.”
– Afghan President Hamid Karzai now (a day later)
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Some Liberties May Have Been Taken With Reality
Becoming Isaac. A teenage Isaac Asimov is taken to a distant planet where he falls in love and learns about the cross-section between archeology and psychiatry. While the film stretches credulity, little is known about Asimov’s early life, so it is possible that his early adventures were the basis for his most famous series of books, The Foundation Trilogy.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078248/]
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But, His Legacy Is In No Jeopardy
The Wheel of Fortune has stopped spinning for Merv Griffin.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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