Thank you, Is That a Meta Reference?, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were left in the dark. Literally, not metaphorically, smartass. (If only the rest of you was as smart as your buttocks, you’d be running the world. Good thing your intelligence is housed where it can do the least damage.) No, a raccoon got into a transformer and caused a power outage that left thousands across the downtown core in the dark.
At first, we were willing to accept Hydro One’s explanation that the raccoon was just seeking warmth; who hasn’t thought of breaking into a power station in the middle of winter to stay warm? But then, some scientists mused that it would be a good idea to replace groundhogs as the arbiters of the changing seasons with – you won’t believe this – yes, raccoons. Suddenly, they don’t seem so innocent. In fact, raccoons look more and more like eco-terrorists. First, they conduct a guerrilla action to take out the power grid. Then, they pop up out of their garbage bins and declare six more millennia of scorching hot weather!
Toronto, you’ve been warned.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
As A Reward For Biden’s Support, Far-right Israeli Minister Itamar Ben-Gvir Told The Wall Street Journal That The Country Would Get More US Support If Trump Was In Power
Dark Brandon Take Note
THIS WEEK IN WAR CRIMES
Joe Biden announced that he had been using “quiet diplomacy” in an attempt to convince Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to stop indiscriminately killing Gaza civilians. This is how it went:
BIDEN: Bibi, would you please take more care in Israeli bombing of Gaza to limit civilian casualties?
NETANYAHU: No.
BIDEN: But –
NETANYAHU: Go to Hell!
BIDEN: Alrighty, then.
Israel makes unsubstantiated claims about United Nations Relief and Works Agency workers aiding Hamas. The Biden administration immediately, like before an announcement of an investigation can even be made immediately, cuts all funding to the organization that sends humanitarian aid to Gaza. Twenty-six countries follow suit.
The International Court of Justice rules that there is good reason to believe that Israel is committing war crimes, possibly even genocide, in Gaza. The Biden administration shelters Israel from censure by the United Nations and approves additional military aid to the country.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Romance Isn’t Dead, But It Is On Life Support…
Is The Date Happening At A Women’s Health Clinic?
“Are Differing Views on Abortion a Dating Deal-Breaker?”
– New York Times
It’s Already Happening:
If He Gives You A Card Asking You To Be His Baby Mama And You Give Him A Card Asking Him To Get A Vasectomy, They Would Tend To Cancel Each Other Out
“Is it time to cancel Valentine’s Day?”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1576555538]
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“Any Moment, Now, He Will Deal With Your Harshly.
Aaaaany Moment, Now.
Any – Have I – Have I Mentioned The Harshness?
Any – Give Me A Second, Will You? I Think I Need To Pray…”
The York Catholic District School Board is considering a proposal that would ban Pride flags, limiting those that can be displayed inside or outside its schools to flags representing Canada, Ontario, the municipality, the Vatican or the school. What if the school flag contains a rainbow of colours?
“God doesn’t appreciate your sense of humour,” Trustee Frank Alexander, whose motion is at the heart of the controversy, commented. “And He will deal with you harshly at a time and place that suits Him.”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=999998]
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When It Comes To The Subtleties Of Mainstream Culture, Republicans Aren’t Swift…
RON DESANTIS: (eyeing Disneyworld) I’m going to war with the biggest cultural icon in the world!
NATIONAL REPUBLICANS: (eyeing Taylor Swift): Hold my beer…
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=681&dir=bb]
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Questioning The Latest Productivity Fad Is A Zin
Zyn, a small nicotine pouch that fits into people’s mouths, is popular with those who work in the financial and tech fields, usually to maintain their creativity while working at boring jobs (because sleeping can be a productivity killer). Instead of fostering a new method of nicotine addiction, why not allow AI to take over routine jobs and give employees something more creative to do?
“Are you some kind of Communist?” answered billionaire Peter Thiel, a staunch Zyn supporter. “Do you have any idea how capitalism actually works?”
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/zyn_fan_delivers/secure/2_pds.htm]
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Carr-dinal Sin
Liberal MP Ben Carr has made a startling statement: “I don’t want to be a politician any more. All the pretending to like people you can’t stand and compromising your principles without getting anything in return – I’ve had it. I’m ready for a major political controversy that will end my career – can I please have one now? And you know what? I’m not impressed with the quality of death threats I’ve been getting, lately. Bring it on, people. Come at me with the death threats. In fact, make them against all of my closest family members just to drive your point home. Really drrrrrriiiiiiiiiivvveee it home. And please, please, pleeeeaaaassse, try to be creative!”
I’m paraphrasing, of course. What he actually said was: “It’s very, very important that we remember that governments come and governments go and our relationships with states are deeper than the relationship that we may have with the current government in power. My hope is that Netanyahu will be gone sooner rather than later, because I think that’s in the best interests of everybody in the region, and I think that’s in the best interests of everybody around the world.”
But honestly, it amounts to the same thing.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20240129.eladvote0129_@/BNStory/newsOops2024/]
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But Was It Funny “Ha Ha” Or Funny “You Need A Therapist. Honestly, Get Help!”?
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” asked one comedian. “To avoid having his body riddled with bullets from a Hamas terrorist!”
“You think you have a problem with airline food?” remarked another comedian. “Be thankful you’re not a passenger on one of the flights that circles Gaza constantly – it’s hard to stay vigilant against terrorist aggression when all you’ve got to eat is week-old falafels!”
“I don’t mean to say that my mother-in-law is stupid,” said a third comedian, “but she thought Hamas was a creamy dip for pitas!”
Thanks to discounts on alcohol, the first annual Titters fundraiser for “Friends of the Israeli Defence Forces” was a huge success!
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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