by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
The only thing worse than funding a terrorist organization has to be funding a terrorist organization and not even being aware that’s what you’re doing!
“Al Qaeda in Omaha?” asked Cedric Blastoisee, the inadvertent terrorist funder in question. “Is that, like, a French club that loves flying kites?”
“Hee hee hee – he’s so adorable, isn’t he?” Blastoisee’s lawyer, E. Cunningham Barr-Nunn, said. “I’m going to have to share that at You’ve Got a Case over a glass of their finest whisky!” Then, harrumphing himself into seriousness, he added: “Of course, what he meant to say was, ‘Not guilty.'”
Blastoisee was arrested on charges that he invested in the Allan Agbar Fund, which has been sanctioned by the American government for being a shell company that funnelled money to terrorist organizations. His defence? “The bank did it.”
“Aww, banks make an easy tahget, but that just ain’t a-raht,” stated Sumner O. Monstres, manager of the First National Bank of Em. “Of coahse, we have advisahs ta help ouah clients invest theah money, but nothin’ is done without the client’s knowledge and consent.”
“I think I see where the problem is,” Barr-Nunn replied. “My client (in the legal, not financial sense) was not told about the investment. We’re not arguing the bank made him do anything because he literally didn’t do anything.”
Monstres stopped folksily wiping his bifocals with a cloth and looked up. “That’s not possible. We have rules against investin’ in companies what got sanctions on ’em. Safeguahds and such. Unless somethin’ happened with that there AI…” Monstre’s face made an unpleasant screeching sound. I had never heard a face to do that before. I hope never to hear it again. Gaaaah!
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!”
Thanks, dude, but I got this.
“Are you sure?” L’Allie, disappointment dripping from his voice like candle wax off Vincent Price’s face, asked.
Yeah. It’s a pretty straightforward story.
“Only, the Alternate Reality News Service is coming to the end of the Special Report on Artificial Intelligence, right? And when you move on, I just go back to working behind the help desk at Futures ‘R’ Us. Don’t you see? I need this, man.”
I thought about it for a moment. Then, I asked L’Allie for his take on what happened.
“Safeguards my sweet buttootie! I think the AI used by the bank had a conflict,” L’Allie explained. “Like when you want a Bob So Tasty Big Batch O’ Bob burger, but you also want a Bellybustin’ Burrito from Taco Schmaco, but you only have room for one. You have two imperatives, but you hafta choose. In this case, the AI had to choose between not financing a terrorist organization or maximizing the client’s income…and the bank’s profits. In case anybody is wondering about the sentience of Artificial Intelligence, I would say that it made a very human choice. What do you think?”
With Ennio Morricone music playing in the background, I gritted my teeth, squinted my eyes and replied: You did good, muchacho. I think you did very good.
L’Allie heaved a great sigh and hung up the phone for the last time. I was gratified that he ended his public life with his headset on.
“Are you finished?” Barr-Nunn asked, impatience dripping from his voice worse than disappointment wax. “I hate to intrude upon an emotional moment, notwithstanding that I often do so for a living, but can we please focus on what’s important, here? My client could go to prison for a lifetime or more if this grave injustice is allowed to stand.”
Wiping a tear from my eye, I wrote: the same FBI investigation that lead to the charges uncovered that Blastoisee invested tens of thousands of dollars in a company called Thy Kingdom Cometh, Ltd., a front company for the Oaf Keepers. The –
“There’s nothing illegal about that,” Barr-Nunn argued. “The Oaf Keepers have not been designated as a terrorist organization by the United States government.”
That is because members of the group mainly attack people who are not white Christians. So, it would seem that Blastoisee is not going to be imprisoned for funding the group of terrorists he actually invested in, but he is going to be imprisoned for funding a group of terrorists he didn’t actually invest in.
You gotta love a story with a happy ending.