Thank you, fershlugginer gezundheit, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, you know that silly meme that involves adding “in bed” to any statement? You know, “I have to go to the liquor store to get my daily sedative…in bed.” Or, “Once I complete the Ultra-Invigilation Ray, I can initiate my plan to take over the world…in bed!” Good times.
Well, now we’ve determined a new way to make our grey days a little lighter: add “in the time I have left” to any statement. “I am going to eat my weight in gold tooth fillings…in the time I have left!” Or, “I will punch the face of every Nazi who lives in my city…in the time I have left!” Or, “I will get past the third page of Lord of the Rings…in the time I have left!”
Fun (with an oddly existential bent)! Or, a strange fever dream induced by too many months in lockdown! Better minds than ours can figure that out…in the time they have left!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
What Is In A Name?
A Violent White Supremacist By Any Other Name Would Still Smell Like A Rat
After being labelled a terrorist organization by the federal government, Proud Boys Canada has announced that it has officially dissolved. It did so in a publicly circulated document which, boiled down to its essence, said, “Canada sucks!”
In its place have sprung up several organizations, including Prod Boys, Prowed Buoys and Mister Terwilliger’s Surprise. The federal government said it will look into the matter, and should have a preliminary finding in 12 to 16 months.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1488597831812&call_pageid=368334278491&col=268646972153]
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Like Usual, Leaving Conservatives To Clean Up The Mess!
On the one hand, Liz Cheney continues to insist that the 2020 election was real, that Donald Trump lost and that denying it is undermining American democracy. On the other hand, she voted over 90% of the time for the Trump agenda.
This is the sort of thing that makes liberals’ heads explode.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Time To Pay The…Office Of Piper Management?
Toronto’s City Council has approved employing an American company to create a portal for citizens to make a variety of payments online, even though the start-up has not tested its software with a city of Toronto’s size.
What could possibly go – bzzzzzzrrrrrt – possibly go – bzzzzzzrrrrrt – possibly go – bzzzzzzrrrrrt – wrong? Wrong? Wrong? Wrong? Wrong? What could possibly go wrrrrrroooooooooo…?
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=367493]
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When You Need Someone To Blame For Your Failing Marriage, Or The Soaring Price Of Vodka Or The Boring Oscar Ceremonies, Or…
It’s not our fault. We are not responsible for the pandemic’s toll on the province. We did everything we could to deal. You know whose fault it is that your loved ones are dying in hospitals and you can’t go and see them? Foreigners. Dirty foreigners with their foreign germs and foreign diseases that we have no defence against. I don’t have to tell you which foreigners, do I? The ones who don’t look like us. Oh, right: those foreigners! But you know who is really to blame? Prime Minister Trudeau. Oh, sure, he may not have left our seniors to die in homes where the infection ran riot. And, granted, he wasn’t the one who opened up parts of the province before they were safe. No, he did something worse. He wouldn’t close Canada’s borders to those stinking, plague-infested foreigners who don’t look like us. The evil bastard!
This has been a message from the PC Party of Ontario
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=6234952654]
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If You Look Around The Table And You Don’t Know Who’s Cheugy, It’s Probably You
MONDAY: If you have to wait for your obituary to have people say kind things about you, you’re probably doing life wrong.
TUESDAY: I’m not telling Harvey Keitel that he’s an invisible six foot tall rabbit. You tell Harvey Keitel that he’s an invisible six foot tall rabbit!
WEDNESDAY: With so little to do because of COVID lockdowns, Albertans are seeing more UFOs in the night sky. It must be the fumes coming off the tar sands…
THURSDAY: If we can have fast zombies, why can’t we have fast snails? Yes, I went for a walk in the rain. Eww.
FRIDAY: Mexican pinata makers, their business devastated by the pandemic lockdown, have started producing COVID virus-shaped pinatas. Well, don’t that just beat all!
SATURDAY: I was playing Pokemon Go outside when I saw a robin. I greeted her: “Hello, Fletchling.” Hmm…maybe I need to stay in more…
SUNDAY: Somebody called me cheugy the other day. Thanks. I think. Maybe. Is that even a word?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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FUQ Big Oil
1) Why did the board of directors of Imperial Oil recommend that its shareholders vote against a proposal that would have committed the company to achieve net-zero carbon emissions by 2050?
According to CEO Brad Corson, it would be premature for the company to set targets before it knew how to reach them.
2) When will Imperial Oil know how to reach net-zero carbon emissions?
June, 2051.
3) What are the likely targets Imperial Oil will try to reach after 2051?
After 2050, net-zero carbon emissions will be kind of irrelevant, so the best way to respond to this question would be with an interpretive dance.
SOURCE: Les Pages Aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Outrage Machine Has A Few Screws Loose (And Nobody Notices)
They’re cancelling Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day! Because they hate families, and mothers are a part of families – some would say an important part! But, uhh, we don’t want to minimize the importance of fathers to families, I – I – I’m just saying: cancel culture is coming after Mother’s Day! Global companies like Marks & Spencer, Etsy, Pandora Jewelry and Deliveroo are giving their customers the option of not receiving promotions for Mother’s Day sales. Can you believe that? I mean, what could say to your mother “I love you” more than a ten per cent discount on the next Kung Poa chicken that she gets delivered to her door? Nothing, right? So, come on, people! I don’t care if your mother just died and you’re in mourning. There are more important things at stake, here, than your precious feelings! It doesn’t matter if your mother was abusive to you. Suck it up, snowflake! We must not give in to this wide-eyed wokeness! We should celebrate our mothers by accepting advertising that plays on our devotion to them every day of the year!
Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I’ll be working late, like I do every year, but I hope you enjoy the Kung Pao chicken.
SOURCE: Tuckered Out Carlson, Tonight, Tomorrow Night and Forever
[http://www.alltuckeredout.com/home/daily/site_050621/content/truth_distorter.hostile_enemy.html]
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