Thank you, Trinidad Roberts and Tobago Jones, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were invited to an orgy at the Plimptons’. The invitation said “mask only,” which was fine; we still had our Marty Feldman mask from the last orgy. (Don’t judge the mask we wear at orgies. Do we judge the mask you wear in public?) However, the invitation went on to say that people attending the event would be asked to “socially distance.” Seriously? A socially distanced orgy? We might as well be at home with our internet porn!
Umm…but…seeing as we are at home right now…would you excuse us for a few minutes…?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Democracy? You Should Pardon The Suppression
So. Georgia. Wants to smother the world so Coke can’t teach it to sing. Has no faith in Delta, the world’s most trusted airline. Wants Apple to “think same.”
Passing voter suppression laws is hard. Just ask Political Hack Barbie.
Conservatives, who see voter suppression as the key to the party’s survival, were quick to condemn corporate CEOs who spoke out against Georgia’s voter suppression law. Sean Hannity foamed at the mouth (at a commercial break, he used it to shave). Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell looked like a turtle who was about to explode (you could tell by the way his lips curved ever so slightly up). Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, channelling his inner Spiro Agnew, complained about the “woke wastrels in woebegone Washington.”
The complaints that corporate America has somehow made an unholy alliance with the left, while undoubtedly heartburn-felt, don’t ring true. This is how American politics is generally viewed:
This is how the Republican Party portrays the situation:
This is the reality of the situation:
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1007&dir=bb]
more
Be Sure To Niantic This One Off Your Bucket List
Ten song lyrics as sung by Pokemon Go players:
1. “Two litleos will fight it out until
One litleo does the other one’s will” (Elvis Costello)
2. “Let’s go and throh all the songs we know” (The Cure)
3. “You know I hate to ask,
But are friends manectric?” (Gary Numan)
4. “Skrelp!
I need somebody.
Skrelp!
Not just anybody.
Skrelp!
You know I need some one.
Skreeeeeelp!” (The Beatles)
5. “Across my dreams with nets of wonder
I chase the bright elusive butterfree of love” (Bob Lind)
6. “Honey, I’m still free
Take a chansey, me” (Abba)
7. “Cause I’m bagon black!” (AC/DC)
8. “20th century boy
I wanna be baltoy” (T-Rex)
9. “Deerling Prudence
Won’t you come out to play?” (The Beatles)
10. “Well likely you’re a chip
Off old Sir Bunnelby” (Klaatu)
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2021/April/Pokety_Poke.asp]
more
If It Doesn’t Come Naturally, He Could Always Fake It…
Or, We Could Put Something In His Water To…You Know…Help It Along…
The Trump Organization has hired 84 year-old veteran criminal defence attorney Ronald Fischetti to represent the real estate company in the Manhattan district attorney’s ongoing investigation into former President Trump’s businesses and finances.
This marks a new approach for the Trump team. It is now clear that the former President hopes Fischetti will have a heart attack during the proceedings, which would either result in a mistrial or in an outpouring of public sympathy for the defendant.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
more
Georgia On My Never Mind
Did you hear the one about the Vancouver Aquarium? They were having financial difficulty, so they were bought out by Herschend Enterprises. But, the joke’s on them: Herschend is based in Georgia.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a528]
more
Douchenozzle: The Next Generation
Who scored on his own goal
By sharing women with a guy named Joel?
A Florida pol
Who lied and cheated and stole?
Matt Gaetz,
Who went on ill-considered “dates”
With poorly chosen mates –
You could say their lust was law-crossed.
Whose only purpose in life was to call dibs
On pwning the libs,
Even though his barbs were more like squibs
Coming from children in their cribs?
Matt Gaetz,
Whom every one hates,
Tempted the fates
And lost.
Who was President Trump’s closest friend,
Expecting their relationship to last to the bitter end?
He thought he could expect many a dividend,
But found he had no political capital to spend.
Matt Gaetz
On everybody’s ears grates.
To avoid prison, it may be too late.
From Congress, it’s time he was tossed!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/819.html]
more
He’s Just Another O’Toole Of The Corporate Elite
Conservative Party leader Erin O’Toole announced that his climate change plan included a consumer carbon price of $20 per tonne, rising to $50 per tonne in 2030. This came as a surprise to most party members, who had voted against a resolution claiming “climate change is real” at their last national convention.
“Perhaps Erin isn’t real?” MP John Barlow mused. The Conservative caucus in Parliament spent the next three hours debating the difference between “isn’t real” and “isn’t for real.” When lunchtime came, they agreed to table the question for discussion at a later date.
One major problem for O’Toole is that the Conservatives have been bashing a similar plan enacted by the Liberals as a “carbon tax.” “No, no, no, no, no,” O’Toole protested. “My plan is a virtuous pricing mechanism for consumers. The Liberal plan is a heinous mechanism for fleecing consumers. Totally different!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20210415.eladvote0415_@/BNStory/newsOops2021/]
more
If Only He Had Declared Squaring The Circle An Avant Garde Visual Art Project…
4 ferk’s sake!) Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced that crews were working to prevent the collapse of a large wastewater pond in the Tampa Bay area while evacuating the area to avoid a “catastrophic flood.” At the same time, like most Republicans, he opposed Democratic President Joe Biden’s two trillion dollar infrastructure bill. How does Governor DeSantis square this circle?
a) on the head of a pin
b) at infinity
c) with a sledgehammer
3…2…1 – glow!) Why do some people feel comfortable throwing used masks onto the street or sand rather than using them to make avant garde visual art pieces?
a) some people wanted to create avant garde visual art pieces out of used masks, really, they did, but they left their welding torches in their other pair of pants
b) some people prefer traditional representational art
c) Marcel Duchamp has cornered the market on unusual objects hung on walls
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more