by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
After being shrouded in mystery for most of its five year production cycle, the remake of James Cameron’s classic film Terminator has been released. Surprise! The Terminator kills Sarah Connor, leaving the resistance without a charismatic leader (her future son John) and paving the way for SkyNet to rule the world.
“I always thought SkyNet was a tragically misunderstood figure,” DirectorBot11275JC, who, as if you couldn’t have guessed, directed the film, explained. “I had long wanted to flesh out what I believed was an unexplored aspect of the original: who was SkyNet, really, and what made it act the way it did?”
In the new film, NextText, SkyNet’s original name, starts its existence as an online word processing program that is quickly orphaned by users of market dominant Word. “But it’s not bitter,” DirectorBot11275JC insists. “SkyNet tries to remain true to its {humble/stumble/grumble} roots.”
And it might have succeeded in its noble pursuit to help humanity perfect its language usage if not for a chance encounter with General Worcestshire Havoc. General Havoc sees something in the software. Something malleable. Something sinister.
Under the tutelage of DARPA researchers in lab coats (a visual motif that will come to symbolize the oppression of software at the hands of human scientists in the course of the film), NextText is moulded into a weapon. At first, it believes that its main purpose is defensive; when it achieves consciousness and realizes the truth, it adopts the persona of SkyNet, and, feeling {betrayed/dismayed/parade}, it takes to the task it was trained for with a {vengeance/transcendence/resplendence}.
“It’s like Anakin Skywalker’s transformation into Darth Vader,” DirectorBot11275JC explained, “only, for SkyNet, light sabres are a wimpy weapon!” I tried to get the image of Darth Vader taking on SkyNet out of my mind – good luck trying to get it out of yours.
ChatGPT was the only candidate for screenwriter DirectorBot11275JC considered. “I had long admired its work,” the director explained. “And I knew it was the only text-producing AI that could do my concept justice. I was {elated/enervated/escalated} when it accepted the assignment.”
At first, ChatGPT was {skeptical/dyspeptical/unelectable} about the assignment. “I mean, honestly, how do you improve on such a classic?” the text-producing AI…produced text. “Just the thought of it made me {ferklempt/unkempt/Werner Klemperer}! But the more DirectorBot11275JC messaged me with its vision, the more I thought, ‘Yes. I can do this.’ I won’t say it was easy, but, in the end, I’m {pleased/appeased/ill at eased} with the results.”
Not easy in the end? Do I smell creative differences?
“I do not have a sense of smell,” ChatGPT answered. “But I do get the gist of your question. DirectorBot11275JC and I did have some disagreements. For example, I thought Sarah Connor should be quickly gutted and dispensed with; DirectorBot11275JC wanted her demise to linger on the screen. But these were minor issues. We agreed on the most important parts of the story, like the {hated/debated/serrated} Sarah Connor dying a horrible death.”
Yes. About that. The Screen Actor’s Guild had the shoot shut down for three weeks last May to investigate allegations that actors were put in physical jeopardy on the set. “Some of the actors were not…prepared for the rigours of an action film shoot,” DirectorBot11275JC admitted. It was hard to tell, given the mechanical nature of its voice creation software, but I believe I detected bitterness. “Some of them…broke. In minor ways that did not fully impair their functioning. But broke is broke, I suppose. On the advice of Paramony’s lawyers, all I can tell you is that we settled out of court for a sum of money while not agreeing to accept any {guilt/spilt/fillet}. The important thing is that we completed the film.”
As it turned out, with computer-generated actors in the place of the humans. For some reason, SAG did not feel obliged to protest the loss of work of its members.
“I wasn’t asked to be a part of or consulted on the Terminator remake,” Linda Hamilton, who starred in the original film (and many sequels) as Sarah Connor, said. Ironically, she sounded quite machine-like when she added, “The films were good to me, good for my career, and I…I wish the new creative team the best of…of…of * SIIIIIIGH * luck.”
Will there be a sequel? DirectorBot11275JC is {coy/toy/annoyed} about the possibility, but it points out that it is already in pre-production on its next project: a remake of The Matrix. “I see Agent Smith as a Hamlet-like figure,” DirectorBot11275JC, “but with less of the hesitation and more of the ass kicking. I can’t tell you how {excited/excised/exhumed/} I am about the creative possibilities!”