SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has asked for air time on all the major networks tomorrow afternoon for a “‘ugely bigly announcement.” Many politicians, pundits and short order cooks expect him to announce the results of his negotiations to end the government shutdown. Not Dumbopratic leaders Nancy Pelligrinosi and Chuckie Schumaihargowmer, who were pointedly not invited to be in the room when the negotiations were taking place (by Secret Service personnel who, thanks to the shutdown, came armed with their own spears), but, uhh, other politicians and, err, pundits. And, especially short order cooks.
The Alternate Reality News Service has obtained a transcript of those very negotiations, part of which is reproduced below. If you would like a full transcript of the negotiations, start your own damn news service!
PRESIDENT RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF: Mister President, build up this wall!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Sounds reasonable to me. How much you figure you’ll need?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Oh! That was easy. I…I figured you’d put up more of a fight, so hadn’t really thought about an amount…
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Really? You hadn’t thought about how much money you would ask for before negotiating that very number? Mister President, I think you’re just being coy.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: You know me too well…
MCDRUHITMUMPF: So, really, how much?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: I figure we can start with five point seven billion and see what develops from there.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Done.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Just like that?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Five point seven billion is a small price to pay for keeping the base happy.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: And, border security.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Sure. That, too.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Well, I have to say, I had heard you were a tough negotiator, but it has actually been a pleasure dealing with –
SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MITCH WICHCONNELLISWICH: Aah, Mister President.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Yeeeesssss?
WICHCONNELLISWICH: You’ve been demanding billions of dollars for the border wall since you got into office. If that’s all you announce tomorrow, how will people be able to tell the difference between the results of this “negotiation” and your usual Tuesday afternoon press rants?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (sighs) What would you suggest?
WICHCONNELLISWICH: You have to look like you’re giving the Dumboprats something they want.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (petulant) I don’t want to give the Dumboprats something they want!
WICHCONNELLISWICH: (stifles a sigh) You don’t have to give them something they want, Mister President. You just have to give them something it looks like they want.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Like Bubonic Plague?
WICHCONNELLISWICH: Aah…nice opening bargaining position, Mister President. And, knowing the Dumboprats, they would probably split the difference and ask for the measles or something. But, no. More like –
PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER (WHATEVER THAT MEANS IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS ADMINISTRATION) JARED KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: Ooh, I know! I know! I know! I know!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (sighs louder) Jared?
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: Give the Dumboprats the Dream Act!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: That’s a terrible idea! Why would I want to do something so stupid like give the Dumboprats the Dream Act when I was the one who took it away from them in the first place‽
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: (muttering) It was just an idea…
WICHCONNELLISWICH: Actually, Mister President, it could work if you put a time limit on it – how does three years sound? And, let’s not give the Dreamers a path to citizenship, so, when the time is up, they’ll have to go away. Somewhere. That’s what I mean when I say give the Dumboprats something they appear to want, not what they actually want.
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: That’s the stupidest idea I ever –
MCDRUHITMUMPF: What do you think, Ronald?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: I think…I think that just might work!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Hmm…it feels a little like giving in, but, yeah, okay, if you think it could work, let’s do it.
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: (mumbling) Don’t know why I even bother sharing ideas!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Okay, then. I get wall funding, and they get – wink, wink – DACA back.
WICHCONNELLISWICH: Only, you won’t say, “Wink, wink.”
MCDRUHITMUMPF: If I don’t say, “Wink, wink,” how will the base know it’s not a serious concession?
WICHCONNELLISWICH: It’s implied.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: That’s not good e –
WICHCONNELLISWICH: And, Foxindehenhaus News will tell them.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Oh. That’s alright, then. If you’re happy –
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: Actually…
MCDRUHITMUMPF: I’m not gonna kid you – you’re a tough negotiator. But, yeah, I can live with this.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Good.
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: …I think we need to sweeten the pot.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: But, I’ve already given away too much!
WICHCONNELLISWICH: What did you have in mind, youngster?
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: Give the Dumboprats back Temporary Protection Status for illegal immigrants.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Are you completely ferking mental‽ I may as well give New Yoricknuhemwell back to the Indians while I’m at it!
WICHCONNELLISWICH: It could also come with a three year time limit.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Nope. Un uh. No way!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Let’s think about this a minute. We could also limit the countries those scumbags come from. Hunh? Huh? I’ll bet the Extreme Court won’t touch that, especially if it comes from Congress!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: I don’t know…
MCDRUHITMUMPF: It would make you look like a brilliant negotiator.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: How would it do that?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Think about it: you would only be asking for one thing, but you would be offering the other side…two things.
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Two for one, eh?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Exactly. If they don’t take this generous offer, they look like the side that isn’t willing to compromise. But, if they do, if they do, ah, you finally get funding for the wall.
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: It’s a win-win, dad! For us!
WICHCONNELLISWICH: It’s a win-win, Mister President. For us!
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Thanks, Mitch. You know how much I love winning twice.
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: (muttering) I gave up another chance to bring peace to the Middle East for this‽
MCDRUHITMUMPF: (sharp) Anything else?
WICHCONNELLISWICH: No, Mister President. I think that will work.
KUSHKUSHINTHEBUSH: Are you sure we’re not missing something?
MCDRUHITMUMPF: Oh, give it a rest, Jared! You’re always missing something!