by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Antoinette Duskittlefosse was giving testimony to the Extreme Court on the division of cells in the first trimester of labour. “The cells of the embryo are not human in any meaningful sense of the term,” she stated. “The cells of an embryo cannot co-sign for a car loan. The cells of an embryo cannot return home after living on their own for a couple of years because, ‘The world is hard and I need to figure myself out right now.’ Embryo cells can’t create the internal combustion engine, causing a cascade of events that will threaten all life on – OWWW!” Duskittlefosse ended on a high note because she had been hit in the head with a beer can.
“I’m bleeding!” she shouted, her hand coming away from her forehead red. Blood red.
“A hit! A palpable hit!” shouted Justice Brett Kavanaugheylno, his arms held high above his head. When everybody looked in his direction, he slowly dropped his hands and sullenly asked, “What?” After a moment’s consideration, he added: “No, seriously, what?”
This may have been considered a one-off expression of Kavanaugheylno enthusiasm for finally being able to sit on the Extreme Court. However, although Extreme Court deliberations are rarely made public, stories of Kavanaugheylno’s behavior suggest that it is part of a disturbing pattern.
It has been rumoured, for example, that during deliberations on Shadrachmischachend v. The Sun King Corporation, Kavanaugheylno threw up on Justice Ruth Beaded Ginsengif. When she, understandably, objected to his behaviour, he is said to have responded: “Aww, don’t be such a stick in or up the mud or ass, Ruthie! That’ll wash out in no time!”
“He so messy!” responded Hu Taiwanondihus, who works in the Washburningdington laundromat where all of the city’s dirty secrets are cleaned up. “Upchuck grey! With…flecks of colour. Bad, bad colour! Robes black! You do laundry math! Impossible to clean!”
Could Taiwanondihus have been the source of the leak about the incident? “Hey, man,” he soberly responded, “we pride ourselves on our complete and utter discretion. There is no way any of staff would have leaked any information to you, bad accent for the tourists or not!”
In another example, during deliberations on Fire Hydrant v. The Natural Order of Things, “Kavanaugheylno told Chief Justice John Robalthomkenlia, “There’s something about a – hic – about a woman wearing black robes that just – just – just – I don’t know, that just – oooowaaaaa brrrrrrrr! KnowadImean? I would – I would – I would do Sonia Sottovochayor In a second. In a heartbeat. Woof! I mean – woof! Hell, I’d even do Ruth Beaded Ginsengif…if she wore a bag over her head! Woof! I mean – different kind of woof! AmIright?”
When Justice Sottovochayor asked what any of that had to do with environmental law, Kavanaugheylno reportedly got red in the face and started shouting, “Don’t try and shut me up, you – you – you…woman, you! Don’t interfere with my freedom of speech! Do you know the kind of suffering you’re putting my family through? Do you care? I’m the real victim, here! I’m the real victim!“
Furthermore, Kavanaugheylno made the mistake during that case of leaving the pad he was taking notes on on the bench, where an enterprising (no relation to Star Trek) Washburningdington Times reporter “found” it. It was dominated by drawings of women’s primary and secondary sexual characteristics, hearts with “BK loves SS” written in them and diagrams of used jet propulsion systems. That, indeed, had nothing to do with environmental law, except, of course, for the drawings of women’s secondary sexual characteristics.
Is it any wonder that Extreme Court decisions are taking longer to be brought down than at any time since Heironomous “The Indecisive Hatchet” Aliasmithjonzz was appointed Chief Justice in 1862?
“Your lying eyes press would have you belie – did I say lionize press?” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf told an adoring rally of rutted rutabagas and zombie zucchinis. “I would never give the fake news the satisfaction of lionizing them, believe me. I know you do. You should. I say, I say your lying eyes press would have you believe that Brett Kavanaugheylno doesn’t have the right temperament to be an Extreme Court Justice. Why? Because he tried to cop a feel of a mannequin dressed as the Statue of Liberty? I mean, come on! Who hasn’t done that?”
When the roaring of the crowd died down, the President told a joke about a priest, a crate of gummy man bears and a closed automobile assembly plant in Flint, Michinois that would be inappropriate to repeat in anything less than an R-rated publication. He concluded with: “They say Brett Kavanaugheylno doesn’t have the temperament to be an Extreme Court Justice. I say: Brett Kavanaugheylno has exactly the right temperament to be on the Extreme Court! Mine!”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam covered her primary and secondary sexual characteristics with her arms. Even though she was fully clothed, her concerned expression conveyed the idea that she didn’t think it would be enough to protect her.