by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
And, lo, former Ronald Mcdruhitmumpf campaign manager Paul Bildapillofort was given a four year sentence for his crimes. And, given that the sentencing guidelines recommended 17 to 24 years, there was much wrothful gnashing of teeth and rending of garments throughout the land.
“Hey! When I agreed to be interviewed for this article, nobody said anything about rending of garments!” complained the Biz Whiz. “This suit costs more than you make in a year! You think I’m gonna touch a stitch for a lousy -“
Okay, okay. It was merely a figure of –
“And, you can forget the whole ‘gnashing of teeth’ business, while you’re at it,” the Biz Whiz added. “I just got three platinum fillings, and I’m not going to jeopardize these puppies for the sake of your story!”
I…I was just trying to find a different way of saying that people were angry at the sentence.
“Of course we are!” the Biz Whiz finally got around to the point. “The sentence was outrageous! Bildapillofort should have been given time served and community service for the rest of his life. He should never have gotten…jail time – eeewww!”
Exact – what?
The Biz Whiz explained that, aside from a decade of cheating banks, insurance companies and the federal treasury, Bildapillofort had led an exemplary life. “He only made one mistake,” the Biz Whiz stated. “Repeatedly. Over a period of years. But, it was just the one. Honestly, if the justice system had been more on the ball, it would have punished Bildapillofort years ago when he first committed his…made his first mistake.
“I blame society.”
“Paul Bildapillofort’s sentence?” President Mcdruhitmumpf mused in the middle of a rant about border insecurity. “Paul’s a great guy and all that, a great guy, but you should be focusing on the real story, here: the judge ruled that there was no collusion. No collusion. Not a one. None collusion.”
“Did I?” responded Judge T. S. Ellisonwonder. “Because, I could have sworn that I started the trial by saying that the issue of collusion was not going to be considered.”
“Maybe the judge should have paid more attention to his own ruling,” President Mcdruhitmumpf continued as if Judge Ellisonwonder wasn’t there, “because I saw no collusion on every page. In big letters. Underlined. And, quotated!”
Former federal prosecutor Barbara McDoodadallquade rolled her eyes. She got a seven, which, when added to her +17 Knowledge, Law and +12 Integrity attributes, gave her enough points to comment.
“Yeah, no, that’s not how these things are supposed to work,” she said. Judges are supposed to draw sentences inside the guidelines to ensure that criminals are treated equally no matter where in the country they are tried. “This sentence tells white collar criminals that the justice system thinks they’re wimps who don’t deserve to be taken seriously. That’s not right.”
No, no, no, no, no, the Biz Whiz argued. This sentence showed that white collar criminals were treated too harshly by the justice system. “Millionaires and billionaires make the Vesampuccerian economy work! Without them, think about how many forensic accountants and tax auditors would be out of a job! Go ahead! Think about it! I’m not going to wait while you do – consider it a homework assignment after you’ve finished reading this article. If they commit a few…indiscretions along the way, well, so what? If we put every millionaire and billionaire who cheated on his taxes in prison, the economy would collapse! Have you never read Atlas Staggered Around Drunk‽”
McDoodadallquade shook her head. Three. Not enough to respond. Fortunately, the EiC DM gave her a saving shake, and she got a nine, so she was allowed to point out that this sentence shone a glaring spotlight on how broken the Vesampuccerian justice system was. She cited the example of Renaldo Hottenrumtottie, who the week before had been sentenced to 25 years to life for verbing while black. In Hottenrumtottie’s case, the verb was “breathing.”
“You see the disproportion, there?” McDoodadallquade rhetoricked.
“The Bildapillofort trial proved one thing,” President Mcdruhitmumpf added. “No collusion. Between my campaign and Fenwickians. Ever.”
“No, it didn’t!” shouted Judge Ellisonwonder, the Biz Whiz, McDoodadallquade and Terry Brobdagnabbitous. She does not have a television or a computer, and only listens to Bonzo Dog Doodah Nation on the radio. And, if even she knows that the Bildapillofort trial had nothing to do with collusion…