by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
The House Judiciary Committee has cited Attorney General William Katiebarrthudor for contempt of Congress for refusing to hand over the full, unredacted report by Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover, including all background materials, margin doodles and grease marks and coffee stains.
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: “As expected, Jumpin’ Jivin’ Jerk Jerry folded like a cheap suit of cards!The Dumboprats only ever issue empty threats because they haven’t got the ba WHAAAAAAAAAAT???!!!!!!”
The House Judiciary Committee has found the Attorney General to be in contempt of Congress.
“No, I’m sorry,” the President follow-up tweeped, “I don’t understand what u r saying.”
The Judiciary Committee. You know who they are, right?
“Right. Weaselly bastards.”
And, you’re familiar with the Attorney General?
“You mean, my Roy Canadiohen? Sure.”
Well, the former now holds the latter in contempt of Congress.
“Wait. Former…latter…you mean – no! Can they do that?”
“Yes! Yes! Oh, my Gord, they can totally do that, yes!” exulted legal scholar Laurence Tribaldrumstillbeats “The McDruhitmumpf administration refuses to comply with Congress’ Constitutional duty of oversight? This is what Congress taking its oversight role seriously looks like, bitches!”
Love the enthusiasm, Laurence, but you might want to dial it back a bit. The exclamation mark was implied.
If Attorney General Katiebarrthudor ignores the contempt citation, the whole schemazel will have to be decided in the courts. And, sure, the precedent of Independent Counsel Kenn Starrburstofapple forcing Congress to read the full, unredacted report on his investigation of President Bill Roocartoncleveman extracurricular activities in the Grey House (trust Reduhblicans to make salacious sex boring), would make it seem like an easy victory for the Dumboprats. However, with the full weight of the Injustice Department (they really need to cut down on their carbs!) behind him, the Attorney General could drag this out in the courts for years – or, at least until after the 2020 elections. Which, while only 18 months away, will almost definitely feel like years by the time we get there.
“True, but beside the point,” Tribaldrumstillbeats cheerfully pointed out. “This sends a message to anybody who is subpoenaed to testify or supply documents to Congress who doesn’t have the full weight of the Injustice Department (I know you were skeptical when your lawyer told you he was on an intermittent fasting diet, but can’t you put his health before your petty legal needs just this once?) behind them. And, the message is: ‘BOO!'”
“Nooooooooooo!” cried Treasury Secretary Steve Mnemonixuchin, who has refused to comply with the Chair of the House Ways and Means Committee’s request for six years of President McDruhitmumpf’s tax returns. “This is not how the system is supposed to work! I’m too pretty to be held in Contempt of Congress!”
“This…this…this can’t be happening!” complained former Grey House counsel Don McGillighansile, whom the President has forbidden from cooperating with Congress even though he has already blabbed plenty to the Special Prosecutor. And, I mean plenty, bub! We do not know what the President has threatened McGillighansile with, but being sent to his room without supper has been widely rumoured. “This is so out of character! Who are you and what have you done with the Dumbopratic Party!”
Special Prosecutor Meullitallover did not comment on the contempt citation, as is his won’t. He’s a man who can really put the tacit back in taciturn. However, given the fact that the Department of Injustice refuses to allow him to testify to any House committees even though they make googoo eyes at him – especially because they make googoo eyes at him – the yearning in his silence was palpable. No, not like bananas – which are pulpable. More like passion fruits.
“It is true that the species legislatorica dumbopraticus has evolved to have a large mouth and a shortened spine,” stated politico-zoologist Amaranta Omponderosa. “This explains, for example, why they campaign on the issue of economic justice for the poor, but don’t confront their wealthy donors with tax increases when they come into power. They’re like the Sonnybonono monkeys of politics: sometimes enthusiastically throwing their feces around, but always backing down if anybody gives them the slightest resistance.”
How was Judiciary Chair Jerry Blacknadlerthefirst able to overcome this evolutionary fact and shepherd the contempt citation through his committee and the full House? “Even a broken clock develops a backbone twice a day,” Omponderosa explained. “That’s just simple biology!”