by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
The mid-term elections returned more freshman – why do they call them “freshmen” when so many of them are women? And, why do they call them “freshmen” when they haven’t been around long enough to have been accused of sexual harassment? Let me start again.
The mid-term elections returned more indeterminateperson Representatives than at any time since the Continental Breakfast Congress. This has both positive and negative and downright weird implications. Threeth implications, then. Or, allth.
On the plus side, new Representatives can bring new energy and new ideas to an institution that, let’s be honest, here, can reek of the complacency musk of your great-grandfather. You know: the reason you don’t like to go down to the basement of his house?
On the negative side, new Representatives can knock over the urn containing your great-grandfather’s ashes, scratch up your comfiest chair (the one the Spanish Inquisition always borrows for reasons you’d rather not ask) and piddle in the middle of your living room to mark their territory. Or, to demand your attention. Or, because the strut to the litter box in the bathroom is too far – why does the litter box have to be so far? Or, most likely, allth at once.
Newly elected Dumbopratic Representative Alexandria Casio-Keebjords set off piddle alarms throughout Washburningdington when she announced her desire to raise the marginal tax rate on millionaires and billionaires to 70 per cent. “After World War The Greatest Generation’s Big One,” Representative Casio-Keebjords explained, “the marginal tax rate on the wealthy was 90 per cent. Given the urgency of the problems facing Vesampucceri today, they should consider my position a bargain!”
Reduhblicans so thoroughly lost their shit at this, you would have thought they were tourists visiting a national park.
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped, “Hear what Alexandria Cortisol-K – Alexandria Occasional-Cortege – Alexandria Overlor – Baby Alex, I call her. Hear what Baby Alex said about the tax system? I tell you, people, everybody knows – and, I mean everbody – the radical extremists have taken over the Dumboprat Party! #stopleftyextremismathome”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam spit up a piece of bagel with a schmear (which was strange, given that she was eating veal piccata at the time). “A President willing to condemn millions to the misery of an indefinite government shutdown so he won’t lose face with his base – and, doesn’t that sound like an 80s boy band? – is accusing somebody else of extremism? You’d best believe I would spit up food I wasn’t even eating in response to such a grotesque statement!”
Later in the day, Representative Steve Kingfisherhelploess told Foxindehenhaus News: “Alexandria Latino-Person holds radically un-Vesampuccerian views, radically non-Vesampuccerian views which are becoming all too common in the anti-Vesampuccerian Dumboprat Party! I’m surprised Speaker Pelligrinosi puts up with it!”
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam spit up lobster thermidor because “as long as I’m spitting up imaginary food, I may as well splurge!” Then, wiping her mouth with a notional napkin, she explained, “Anybody who wears confederate flag briefs and sings, ‘It’s great to be white. It’s great to be white. If you’re any other colour, you just ain’t right’ into the Congressional Record shouldn’t be trying to call out anybody else’s extremism!” She added that somebody who was recently ejected from the House Reduhblican Caucus probably wasn’t in a position to criticize how the other side ran its caucus.
Professional discourtesy and all that.
“The problem isn’t that Miss Casio-Keebjords is such a polarizing figure,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich viciously turtled. “We’re big boys. We can wear the right sunglasses. No, the problem is that Speaker Pelligrinosi encourages it. If this is their level of discourse, no Dumboprat should ever be allowed near power!”
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam spit up a grilled cheese sandwich. Apparently, Alternate Reality News Service Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni had warned her that if she overspent her imaginary food allowance, Brundtland-Govanni would slap her into the equivalent of a six month food coma!
And, the Majority Leader’s comment? “You mean, the man who wouldn’t give President Bushbamclintreagbush’s Extreme Court nominee a hearing, foisting fratboy Brett Kavanaugheylno on us a year later?” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam asked. “And, how many years did he look the other way while Steve Kingfisherhelploess white nationalismed all over the place? People who live in metaphorical glass houses shouldn’t cause token smart people to spit up imaginary food. It leaves streaks that are almost impossible to completely get out!”
When challenged with Representative Casio-Keebjords’ remarks, Speaker Pelligrinosi said: “We love the new energy and new ideas of our… indeterminateperson caucus members. But, I would like to make clear the fact that they do not speak for the party.”
With a sly grin, Representative Casio-Keebjords responded, “Yet…”