“Josh?”
“Darrin?”
“Hey! Long time, no talk.”
“Didn’t we talk yesterday?”
“Yesterday is forever ago in the film industry, man.”
“I hear you, man. So, listen, I can pencil you in for a telephone conversation Thursday at 4:32 pm.”
“No can do, compadre. I’m meeting with Fox executives Thursday afternoon to pitch my new reality series, Dancing on the Stars.”
“Ouch!”
“No, no. I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Market research shows that our love/hate relationship with stars is moving back towards hate. I tell you, man, the time is right for Dancing on the Stars. People are especially looking for women to dance in high heels.”
“Mmm…high heels. Okay, how about…next Monday, 10 am?”
“Naah. I’ll be on the set of Crank 3: Barely Combustible. You know, just to make sure the franchise isn’t running out of steam.”
“Tell me about it!”
“I just did.”
“Okay. Listen, I know it’s a radical idea, but why don’t we talk…now?”
“You mean, just like we are?”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t know…it isn’t scheduled in my daytimer…”
“Yeah, but, by the time we scheduled it with our secretaries, we’d both be off doing other things. I know it sounds crazy, but, if we aren’t willing to try new things, what are we doing in the business in the first place?”
“I didn’t have the stomach to be a doctor.”
“TMI, Darrin. TMI. So, why’d you call?”
“Josh, I want you to think…menstrual blood.”
“God, you sound like my girlfriend.”
“Is your girlfriend trying to help you create the next blockbuster?”
“No. Mostly, she wants to know when I can get her a part in a Tyler Perry movie.”
“Why Tyler Perry?”
“I don’t know. I think she was dropped on her head when she was a baby.”
“Okay. Well. Uhh…put thoughts of your girlfriend out of your head and fill it with…menstrual blood.”
“That image is wrong in so many ways.”
“Listen! Grossout humour is the new Chevy Chase! Make a movie with scenes that make parents want to run from the theatre screaming, and you can nail the coveted 12 to 13 year-old male demographic, not to mention the 14 to 80 year-old 12 to 13 year-old wannabes! We just need to find something gross that the body produces, and we’ll have box office gold!”
“Umm…how about…poopies?”
“Naah. Kevin Smith had a giant shit monster in Dogma.”
“Oh.”
“We can’t use snot, either. Robert Rodriquez had a giant booger monster in Shorts. So, keeping that history in mind, what bodily excretion can we blow up to monster size to create the next great giant grossout comedy scene?”
“Menstrual blood?”
“Exactly!
“So…like…somebody with magical powers gets hold of a used tampon and turns it into a monster?”
“Yes! Well, no, actually. Smith covered the magic angle in Dogma. Bastard. But, you’re getting the idea.”
“Maybe a…scientist…creates a -“
“No! Rodriquez sort of used science in Shorts. Sort of bastard.”
“Well, if science and magic are out, how can menstrual blood beco -“
“There’s always dream sequences.”
“Oh, that’s original!”
“It’s not like we’ve ever seen a body fluid monster in a dream sequence!”
“… Okay. Let’s step back from the problem a moment and ask ourselves: WWSFD.”
“WWSFD?”
“What would Syd Field do?”
“Analyze the story structure for flaws?”
“Okay. And, if we analyze the story structure for flaws, what do we get?”
“Nothing! We don’t have a story, yet – we’re just tossing around ideas!”
“Okay. Good point. Let’s run with that for -“
“Why don’t we ask ourselves WWRMD?
“WWRMD?”
“What would Robert McKee do?”
“He would boast about how many Oscars his students have won, and explain that he could have won them himself but he’s allergic to awards ceremonies so he doesn’t write screenplays of his own.”
“You’re right. Not helping.”
“There is only so much the experts can teach us.”
“Tell you what. Why don’t we leave that to the writers? We can’t do everything for them.”
“Works for me.”
“The important thing is to imagine a six foot tall creature made entirely out of menstrual blood. Can you see the poster possibilities?”
“I’m getting a contact high just thinking about i – oop.”
“Oh?”
“Ah.”
“Wha?”
“Sorry, I’m getting a call on my other line. It’s Clooney’s hairstylist. I gotta take this.”
“Be sure to mention the menstrual blood creature.”
“Ah…gotta go. Bye.”