While most people were running away from the alien machines that were laying waste to human civilization, the Pentagon was trying to find a way to communicate with the aliens. After several amusing failures, the best of which left half of K Street in ruins, the Pentagon finally succeeded. A human being and a Martian blundflort sat down and tried to make sense of what was happening to them.
“Good coffee,” the human said. “Say what you want about how it wages war, but the Pentagon really knows how to brew ‘em.”
“It is not qiqiqdoodoo,” the blundfort responded, “but it is not bad for a barbaric planet.”
“Umm, sure. So, why are you slaughtering our people? What exactly do you want?”
“Mostly, we want to harvest you for the red serum that flows through your veins. Some of us thought you might make good pets, but the Supreme Schpreckneckle had seen enough of your propaganda entertainments to know that you would never be docile enough to make good pets.”
“But, we’re intelligent beings with feelings and…and souls. Why would you do this to us?”
“Grock told us to.”
“Grock told you to maim and kill us and harvest us for our blood?
“Not in so many words, no. What Grok actually said was: Let us make blundflorts … and let them have dominion over the … Grindlespeck … Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Grindlespeck and subdue it; and have dominion … over every living thing.”
“That sounds so…familiar…”
“Have you read The Schlagflex?”
“The…what?”
“It’s a very good book.”
“The Good Book. Of course. That’s from The Bible. Let us make man … and let them have dominion over the … Earth … Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the Earth and subdue it; and have dominion … over every living thing.”
“You have! You have read The Schlagflex!”
“No. That’s from the Bible. It came before the Schrag – whatever.”
“The Schlagflex! Do not make fun of our holy book!”
“Or, what? You’ll kill me twice?”
“The Schlagflex came first!”
“The Bible was written 2,000 Earth years ago, give or take…”
“The Schlagflex was written 1,050 Grindlespeck years ago, give or take…”
“There you go. We were first.”
“Actually, the Grindlespeck year is almost twice as long as your Earth years, so…well, now, that is interesting.”
“You’re saying they were written at the same time.”
“Give or take…”
“So, okay. Look. Our Bible gives us dominion over the Earth. Yours gives you dominion over Mars. We should respect that and only control the planets our holy books tell us we should.”
“There are some on Grindlespeck who make that argument. We call them…Liberals. Fortunately, nobody much listens to them any more.”
“But…but, how can you do this to another intelligent race?”
“Oh, that’s easy. We have better weapons than you do.”
“And, your…Grok is okay with that?”
“Okay with it? He practically demands it! You see, in ancient times, Grok smote a whole tribe called the Sammybanani just because he did not like them. Then, a few years later, he smote the first born dagoberts of all of the Gyptuins just because he did not like them. And, I am not even going to tell you what Grok did to the ancient Eleutherians – I still get shivers down my arctoplex just thinking about it! Why did Grok not like all those blundflorts? Because they did not believe in him, or maybe they just did not follow his every command. Thus, we learned: if you do not believe in our Grok or you aren’t willing or able to follow his every command, you must be smitten. Surely, that must be obvious even to somebody with your race’s limited intelligence.”
“It is. Unfortunately”
“Well, it has been most enjoyable speaking with you, but, unless you have something really interesting to say, your brain looks most inviting, and I have not eaten since the last assault on your nation’s capital…”
“Washington?”
“Portland.”
“Portland’s not our nation’s capital.”
“That is what those who live there wanted you to believe.”
“Portland’s NOT our nation’s capital.”
“SNORT! How did you expect to defend your planet when you do not even know your own geography?”