“…didn’t like the Phillips power drill I got her for Christmas.”
“Women.”
“Is that the one with the retractable drill bit?”
“Damn straight.”
“Who wouldn’t want one of those for Christmas? Man, I take mine out at least once a day even when I don’t need t -“
“Dick?”
“Yes?”
“Have you forgotten who’s the Alpha Dick on this show?”
“Sorry.”
“So, what happened next?”
“After about 10 minutes, I got fed up with her ranting, and I shouted: ‘The only reason I’m with you at all is because you’ve got great bazongas!'”
“Not great honking bazongas?”
“Damn! I forgot to say honking!”
“What did she do?”
“Well, nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nope. She just stared at me with a pitying ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ look.”
“So, what did you do?”
“I told her: ‘Rack. I’m talking about your rack!'”
“And?”
“Still nothing. ‘Boobs!’ I shouted. ‘The only reason I stay with you is because you’ve got great boobs!'”
“Then what?”
“She gave me a ‘You’re pathetic’ look and walked out of the room. I’d blown the moment, right? I wanted a ‘You’re an asshole’ look before she walked out of the room, but it didn’t happen. Totally blew the moment.”
“Okay, Johnny-Dick.”
“Johnny.”
“Everybody’s a Dick on this show, Johnny-Dick. You seem to have forgotten that men have a broad vocabulary when it comes to portions of women’s anatomy, especially their breasts.”
“Sort of like Eskimos have 27 different words for snow.”
“Exactly. Only, this is a special vocabulary that, for the most part, women aren’t privy to. When you talk about a woman’s hooters, the first thing she’ll think of is geese.”
“Or a bad restaurant.”
“A bad restaurant that serves geese.”
“Eww.”
“Exactly. Talking about her rack – well, there’s the problem right there. You mean to insult her by talking about her breasts, and she’s thinking, ‘Spices? In the middle of an argument, why the hell is he talking about spices? This man is a complete moron!'”
“Last time I told my girlfriend I loved her funbags, she thought I was talking about her beanbag chairs.”
“Gazongas, mellons, double whoppers – this is all man talk. You’re wasting your breath using it on a woman.”
“What should I have said?”
“Tits.”
“Tee hee.”
“Tits?”
“Tee hee.”
“Yeah. Ha ha. It’s still a loaded term, guaranteed to give offence. Especially when you combine it with ass.”
“Oh, yeah! Ha ha ha. Women hate it when you call them a piece of ass!”
“Ha ha ha.”
“Hee hee hee.”
“Wooo ho ho ho.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha.”
“Ho.”
“Haaaah.”
…
…
…
…
“Are we still on the air?”
“The red light is still on.”
“Aww, man, what do you have to do to get booted off the airwaves in this country!”
“This would never be allowed in the States.”
“Got that right. We just turned an argument about power tools into a five minute tirade about women’s breasts that wouldn’t be out of place on a grade school playground! If this was the good old US of A, the FCC would have handed the station our heads on a silver platter.”
“Why do you want -“
“Johnny-Dick, you still on the line?”
“Well, ye -“
“Buh-bye. I’ll tell you why. Howard Stern was looking at sagging ratings for his radio show when he got fired. Know what he did? He went to satellite radio!”
“I’d love to be on satellite radio.”
“It’s the way of the future. But, I just signed a five year contract with Big DICK radio, so they’re not just gonna let me walk to fulfill my dream of being on satellite.”
“Can you say breach of contract lawsuit?”
“Can you say Omega Dick?”
“I’ve been given a Greek letter!”
“It’s the last letter in the Greek alphabet, numbnut.”
“It’s a start!”
“This is why I need to get out of regular radio. So, if any of our loyal listeners have just had a fight with their girlfriend and called her by a portion of her anatomy, please give us a call. I’ve got lots more euphemisms where these came from, and I’m not afraid to use them…”