by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer
“Hello. I’m Morgan Freeman. Except, I’m not really Morgan Freeman. But I look exactly like Morgan Freeman. That doesn’t matter. And I sound exactly like Morgan Freeman. That’s what makes the fact that I’m not Morgan Freeman all the more insidious! Look, look: when I smile, I even have Morgan Freeman’s dimples. Dimples be damned! The dimples lie! Don’t believe the dimples! …Although they are rather adorable… Hee hee. The dimples get them every time. Okay. Hello. Again. I’m Morgan Freeman. And if you would be so kind as to listen, I would like to explain to you why every household in the nation needs a Roncocom Ovazapper, the world’s first electronic egg scrambler…”
This is a transcription of a video that is making the rounds of the internet (as well as some of the squares of the deep dark web). As Morgan Freeman correctly points out, it is not a video of Morgan Freeman. Sorry, dimples fans. The video is known as a “deep fake” north of the Mason-Dixon line; south of the line, it is referred to as “proof of every conspiracy we done been talkin’ ’bout for years!”
Morgan Freeman has publicly stated that he had nothing to do with the video, that he was never approached by Roncocom to promote their products and, even if he had been, he would never lend his dimples to something that reportedly spits scalding hot scrambled eggs at anybody who comes near the stove. (Roncocom assures customers that this glitch will be fixed in a future iteration of the product.) How did this video come to be?
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!”
The AI combed the internet for video of Morgan Freeman at his Morgan Freemanest. Then, it composed Freeman’s speech based on a script written for it, sewing words and sometimes individual phonemes into seamless speech. Finally, it edited Morgan Freeman’s mouth movements to make them conform to the sounds that was coming out of it. Then, as a coup de cinegras, they brightened the dimples to make them impossible to miss.
“We have the utmost respect and admiration for the actor Morgan Freeman,” claimed Ned Feeblish, Vice President Public Relations and Techno-revelations, Roncocom, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp (“We do innovative eggy stuff!”). “We are not responsible for the creation of the video, although we’re just as attracted to Morgan Freeman’s dimples as anybody. Oh, Morgan Freeman’s dimples!”
To avoid a wistful lecture on how Morgan Freeman’s dimples could broker peace between Russia and Ukraine, I asked Feeblish what MultiNatCorp was doing to get the video removed from the internet. “Oh, we had the original deep dark web site that hosted the video shut down moments after we discovered it. Unfortunately, by that time thousands of copies had already circulated on InstaTok, Farcebook and YahooTube. It would be impossible for us to track down and remove all of them…”
Feeblish did not seem to regret that fact. Did not seem to regret it at all.
What is the Canadian government doing about AI-created deep fakes? According to a white paper issued in 2021, “The Canadian government has embarked upon an ambitious program of letting the CRTC handle public complaints about deep fake videos. If a complaint is upheld, a stern cease and desist letter undoubtedly will be issued to the video’s creator(s).”
So much for the local angle.
What is the American government doing about AI-created deep fakes? “My government recognizes that some people are being fooled by so-called deep-fake videos. This could have a negative impact on our democratic process. That is why our party is proposing regulations that have no hope in hell of being passed by the Republican House of Representatives. We -“
“Freedom of speech, suckers!” interrupted former President Donald Trump. “Fake Morgan Freeman has just as much right to say what he wants to as you or me. In fact, he has more of a right to free speech than real Morgan Freeman – that socialist bastard with the Commie dimples!”
“Aha!” ahaed L’Allie. “Notice the way Morgan Freeman winks there. And there? And there? This is a fifty-nine second video based on three seconds of footage that are repeated over and over again! That’s how you can tell it’s fake!”
What if the creators of deep fake videos use longer clips?
“Would it have killed you to let me have the moment?” L’Allie bitterly complained. “Journalists!”