SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
With increasing frequency, when former President (and current Reduhblican Party nominee for President we should remember, not that he is going to let anybody forget it) Ronald McDruhitmumpf speaks, he sounds like he’s a few cucumbers and a water cress short of a word salad. Despite this, when he communicates online, whether its his platform Truth Antisocial or Elon Threelonemuskateers TwitherdY, he appears to be the Nietzcheistpietzchean ideal of the ubertrollensch, or supertroll. How can these two things be true?
They’re not. McDruhitmumpf doesn’t write his own tweeps. The Reduhblican National Committees (RNC) pays a team to write them. In an exclusive, the Alternate Reality News Service held a forum with three members of the McDruhitmumpf Emergency Social Media Offensive (which, for some reason, nobody calls MESMO, even though it would look great on a coffee mug of up the side of a pen).
This forum is moderated by token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
AMY SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Okay, to start, please identify yourselves and explain what you do for the McDruhitmumpf Emergency Social Media Offensive (not MESMO).
DAVID AGAPOPWEASELS: Yeah, sure. I’m David “All the Hits All the Time, Man” Agapopweasels. My main job is to ensure that the rhetoric of the tweeps matches the agenda of the former President. Basically, that it pisses off Dumboprats and doesn’t piss off Vladimir Putinondaritz.
FRANK BASCULINMISTEAK: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The name’s Frank Basculinmisteak. I’m in charge of making sure that the lies in the tweeps are outrageous. I mean, everybody lies on the internet, so you’ve either got to go big or go to your home page, you know?
PERCY JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: Hi! I’m Percy! I mostly make sure that Random Words are capitalized and the tweeps CONTAIN enough exclamation marks to FEED the rage of our consumers! You might not think much of what I do, but judging that rage in real time can be a delicate balancing act!!!!!
BASCULINMISTEAK: Yeah, I wouldn’t want Percy’s job.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Wow. If there were any more testosterone in this room, it could be mistaken for the World Wrestling Establishment! And if the room were any more white, I would have been blinded the moment I entered! I probably know the answer to this question, but I gotta ask: why prop up a candidate who is clearly falling into dementia?
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: I do it for the money!
AGAPOPWEASELS: Oh, yeah. The money. Definitely for the money.
BASCULINMISTEAK: I do it because I genuinely believe that the Deep Dish state stole the 2020 election from Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who is the best President the United States of Vesampucceri has ever had, the only one who ever worked for the benefit of the common person. (pause) Oh, man, the looks on your faces! Priceless! Naah – I do it for the money.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Oh. Okay. Not what I was expecting. That’s the…special joy of journalism, I guess. Moving on: what’s the best thing about your job?
BASCULINMISTEAK: It’s given me enough material for three novels – and I’ve only been here six months!
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: Get out of here! I’ve got ENOUGH MATERIAL for at least FIVE novels!
BASCULINMISTEAK: I guess we’ll see who gets their book out first.
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: Let the best Frustrated Novelist win!
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: What about you, David?
AGAPOPWEASELS: I have a publisher, but I…I’m not sure what I want to write about…
Basculinmisteak and Jackinboxershortz look daggers at him.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Umm…okay. Coming from the opposite direction: what is the hardest thing about the job? (pause) Anybody? Hardest thing about the job?
BASCULINMISTEAK: Uhh, is there any possibility that this interview is going to be read by Ronald McDruhitmumpf or any of his people?
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Are you serious? There’s very little possibility that my editor will read it!
BASCULINMISTEAK: Oh. Okay. Well, just to be clear, this is the best job I’ve ever had in my life – I don’t think I’ll ever have another one that I enjoy so much. But if there is one thing that I…hate is far too strong a word – that…mildly perturbs me, it’s the way the RNC second guesses my work. I know exactly where the line between plausible and implausible lies: THERE ISN’T ONE! OUR FOLLOWERS WILL SWALLOW ANYTHING!
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: Hey! Capitalization and Exclamation Marks are MY THINGS!!
BASCULINMISTEAK: There’s a lot of overlap in what we do.
AGAPOPWEASELS: There is nothing hard about my job. It’s the most rewarding work I can ever imagine doing. In fact, it’s all I ever wanted to do since I was five – no, three years old.
Basculinmisteak and Jackinboxershortz look at him in disbelief.
AGAPOPWEASELS: I was precocious.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Umm…okay. Sure. Moving on. Do any of you ever worry that this job could limit what you could do in your career?
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: Are you KIDDING?! How can a Job limit what I do in my Career when I NEVER PLAN ON LEAVING it!!!
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: But like all of the people here, you’re in your twenties, and the former President is in his late seventies. If nothing else, you will outlive him. Then, you’ll have to find another job.
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: No, I won’t! You know why? RONALD MCDRUHITMUMPF IS GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!!!!!!!!
BASCULINMISTEAK: Hey! Lies are my job!
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: There’s a lot of Overlap in what we do.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Err…David, do you ever worry that this job will limit your career options?
AGAPOPWEASELS: Naah. Once President McDruhitmumpf kicks the bucket, there’ll be Ron DeSanterryicks or Nikki Bilhaleycommits or Matt Targaetzinnocents or Marjorie Taylormaid Fortrubble – I tell you, this is a job that keeps on giving!
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: O…kay. Let’s end on a positive note. What is your favourite tweep?
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: Whoa. That’s like asking who my favourite child is. When I have children, I’m sure one will be my favourite, but I wouldn’t ever admit that for fear of pissing off the rest. Vindictive bastards.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: Sure. I get that. Still, tweeps are not children, so there’s no harm in –
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: OF COURSE THEY ARE! They take time and love to nurture and grow until you’re ready to send them out into the World on their own! And I love each and every one of them exactly the same as all the others! Do You hear Me? EACH AND EVERY ONE!
Pause.
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: David or Frank – thoughts?
AGAPOPWEASELS: My favourite tweep is actually a thread linking George Sorobororos and Hillary Roocartoncleveman to the Knights Templar and child sex trafficking at Dizznizzfizzlizzeyworld. Man, we were on fire when we wrote that! Unfortunately, the thread is 17,000 words long – too long to quote here. But if anybody is interested, look for it on the Wayback Machine – it’ll curl your toes and singe your hair at the same time!
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: My favourite tweep is: “Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam of the lamestream media’s Alternate Reality News Service – the fakest of fake newses – works part-time as a local MultiMaxiMegaMart greeter because she has a fetish for touching the hands of strangers. WEIRD OR WHAT?
SHESHUTSHOTSHITBAM: THAT’S NOT TRUE!
JACKINBOXERSHORTZ: What can I say? I love this job!