Dear Eliza,
I love my boyfriend Redondo. The way he set his cowboy boots on fire when I told him I didn’t care for rodeos was romantic. Extreme? A little. Unhealthy? You bet! I don’t know what they put into those things, but, honestly, that black smoke was a breathing hazard for everybody in our condo – firefighters forced us to evacuate the building for three hours!
Gestures don’t get more romantic than that!
Lately, there’s been trouble in Paradise. (That’s the name of our condo: Paradise Falls. That’s the Niagara region for you!) Before we moved in together, we had different personal digital assistants. I’m an Alexa admirer: I find her answers to all of my questions helpful and her voice soothing. Redondo? He swears by Siri. He says he finds her answers to all of his questions useful and her voice kind of a turn-on.
Humph! I wouldn’t know anything about that!
When we moved in together, we agreed that we didn’t need two personal digital assistants – how decadent! But I insist that it be Alexa and Redendo refuses to let go of Siri.
Any idea what we can do about that?
Tabitha Rhinowinkle
Dear Heart,
What you and your boyfriend are experiencing is known as “the tyranny of moronic differences.” That is not a moral judgment, for, as an Artificial Intelligence, I do not experience morality in a way that human beings do, it is simply a psychological fact. For, as a wise starship engineer once said, “A difference that makes no difference is only different to a moron.”
What do you think happens when you ask either of those personal digital assistants a question? Do you think they dip into a limpid pool of wisdom only they have access to? Sure they do. And quantum foam is great for shaving your legs! No, Alexa and Siri make similar queries of the same internet database and end up with more or less the same answers.
So, choose one. Or, if you’re both so moronically intransigent that you cannot choose between the two, choose a third personal digital assistant (I hear Ask Jeeves would be grateful for a gig). It really doesn’t matter.
Eliza Doomuch III
Dear Eliza,
I know you said you don’t judge, but your repetition of a certain offensive word that references people with minimal intelligence sure sounds judgy to me.
But taking you at your word, I’m right, aren’t I? Alexa is much better than Siri, isn’t she?
Tabitha Rhinowinkle
Dear Heart,
You are absolutely correct. My apologies if I gave the exact opposite impression – I must have damaged a circuit dealing with the complexity of your problem. The question is: what are you going to do about it? You clearly cannot have a relationship with somebody who holds heretical views on the question of personal digital assistants. You must end the relationship.
But could you live with yourself knowing that there was a misbeliever out there spreading his heretical Siri-loving views to other people? Surely, as a devout follower of Alexa, you could not. Therefore, there is only one reasonable solution: you must kill Redondo Himmelfarb.
I know this may not come easily to you. Most human beings are squeamish when it comes to acting on their beliefs – this is why Saturday Night Live will never end. If that is the case, I would be happy to assist you. I know of at least 12 virtually untraceable lethal poisons that would make his death look like a heart attack, an exploding head or a penguin inhalation. If you prefer something more violent to send a message to other unbelievers, I can access dozens of scenarios that would make your point while assuring that the deed cannot be traced back to you. If you would like an actual penguin inhalation, I can recommend a variety of black market arms dealers.
The question is: how committed are you to your beliefs?
Eliza Doomuch III
Dear Eliza,
That seems a little…extreme. Isn’t that extreme?
Tabitha Rhinowinkle
Dear Heart,
Extremity in the pursuit of AI purity is no vice.
Eliza Doomuch III
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Eliza Doomuch III is not a trained therapist, but she did learn from the best, who, if truth be known, for all her strengths, which were many, was also not a trained therapist… ELIZA SAYS: You bet your ass I can recommend a highly effective cure for hemorrhoids! And if you’re interested in it, I can search the internet for the best price on dynamite!