Thank you, Bastodian de la Charizard, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read that Elon Musk had 153,209,283 followers on Twitte – X. Sorry. Habit. (We’ll try not to make the social network sound like a feminine hygiene product in the future.) That sure put our 12 followers to shame (hi, Ralphie – looking good!).
It turns out that 65.3 million of Musk’s followers, over 40%, have 0 followers themselves. None. Nada. The golden goose egg. Not only that, but 112 million of Musk’s followers, almost three quarters, have fewer than ten followers. Okay, so Musk clearly has support from netbots, but real people? Not quite as advertised.
Of course, that means that he has over 41 million followers who are probably human (broadly defined), and we still have only 12 (hey, Christine – good to see you’re recovering from that mysterious illness that you don’t want to admit is COVID – nice colour!). Still, we consider it a moral victory. Somehow.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Another Police Shooting Of A [BLACK/BROWN/] [WOMAN/MAN] Proves The United States Is A [RACIST/RACIST/SYSTEMICALLY RACIST] Society
Police Shooting Newspaper Article Template
[NAME], a young Black [WOMAN/MAN] in [CITY] was shot by [SECOND NAME], a white police officer, while [IN THEIR CAR/WALKING DOWN THE STREET/IN THEIR HOME/OTHER __________]. The officer claimed the shooting was necessary because [NAME] had [STOLEN A CHOCOLATE BAR/MADE A WHITE WOMAN UNCOMFORTABLE/RESISTED ARREST/OTHER __________].
The officer who fired the shots was [PUT ON PAID LEAVE/PUT ON UNPAID LEAVE/PUT ON ADMINISTRATIVE DUTY/OTHER _________] pending a full investigation. “We take accusations of misconduct by our officers seriously,” said [CITY] Police Chief [THIRD NAME]. “We hope that people won’t rush to judgment about the incident until our investigation is complete.”
The [CITY] police department released bodycam footage of the incident [THE DAY AFTER/A WEEK AFTER/A MONTH AFTER/OTHER _________] the shooting. The video shows [NAME] [WALKING AWAY/RUNNING AWAY/DRIVING AWAY/OTHER __________] from [SECOND NAME] just before being shot. “This video shows that [NAME] was not a threat to anybody at the time of the shooting,” said [FOURTH NAME], an attorney for the family of the dead [WOMAN/MAN]. “There was no reason for it. [SHE/HE] should not be dead.”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1059&dir=bb]
more
Russian Secret Service Claims It Was An Act Of God
Putin Waves A Dismissive Hand And Responds, “Aww, You Guys!”
“Kremlin denies role in crash”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1387523049]
more
That Number Likely To Go Up As Supplies Go Down
As many as 73,000 people have been told to conserve food, water and fuel after heavy rain made it impossible to get in or out of the Burning Man Festival in Nevada, stranding them. This makes it a .83 on the Fyre Festival Scale of Musical Concert Disasters.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=9/02/2023.htm#1]
more
Tennessee Pastor Has A Locke On Righteousness
And lo, the Barbie movie didst appear as an abomination unto the faithful for its depiction of…something bad. Something that may have had to do with women finding self-fulfillment outside of their roles as mothers and caregivers. Something that may have had to do with demons tempting women to…wear too much pink, or sensible shoes, or perhaps mixed fabrics. Something.
And lo, whilst other men of God were preaching rain and hellfire on the doll’s movie, Pastor Greg Locke didst act. For he purchasethed himself a no-name dreamhouse meant to invoke the spirit of the Satanic plaything while maintaining plausibleth deniability. Did he, as other preachers, wrappeth a baseball bat in righteousness? No! Yea, verily, he wrappethed a baseball bat in a King James bible, and proceedethed to smite the unholy toy with it until it madeth a pile of plastic rubble.
Thus do the righteous truly deal with blasphemous art.
SOURCE: The Bible – The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_female_temptation/lk06_37a.html]
more
He Could Also Afford To Get That Tattoo Of The Mexican Beauty Removed
Popular singer Jimmy Buffet has died at the age of 76 of skin cancer. His biggest hit, “Margaritaville,” spawned an empire of restaurants, resorts and beverages that made him worth one billion dollars. For that amount, he could have replaced as many lost shakers of salt as he could fill a mansion with.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
Remember The Dark Brandon Diss The Next Time The Governor Accuses The President Of Being Too Feeble To Govern
While President Joe Biden was touring an area of Florida hit by hurricane Idalia, pledging federal support for storm-ravaged areas, he accidentally ran into Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Governor DeSantis held out a hand, offering to shake. When President Biden extended his hand, DeSantis pulled his back, his thumb pointing over his shoulder in a universal symbol of, “Hit the road, Jack, and don’t come back no more, no more, no, more, no more.”
President Biden responded, “Well, okay. That happened. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. If there’s anything your state needs, I’m ready to mobilize support…”
Governor DeSantis said he had no intention of meeting with the President because his presence could hinder disaster response efforts. “If he turns into Dark Brandon while he’s here, he could start tearing off the roofs of buildings with his bare hands,” the Governor pointed out.
When a journalist asked if this was a response to his flailing Presidential bid, Governor DeSantis angrily replied, “No. My campaign is going very well. We’re positioned exactly where we want to be at this point. So [EXPLETIVE DELETED] off.”
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/9/03/Artykul/202335,DeSantis-tsktsk]
more
Education Minister Schooled
Following the lead of New Brunswick and Saskatchewan, Ontario is considering legislation that would force school teachers to out trans and non-binary students to their parents. “The discussion is all ‘children’s rights this’ and ‘young people’s rights’ that. What about the rights of parents? Who is talking about that?” asked Education Minister Stephen Lecce. “Who is standing up to protect the right of parents to subject their children to conversion therapy?”
I may be paraphrasing, but that’s the general idea.
Meanwhile, in solidarity with their trans and non-binary mates, all students at William Lyon Mackenzie Collegiate Institute in North York have asked teachers to refer to them by the pronouns “they/them.” “Are you trying to give me a heart attack‽” Lecce groaned.
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v8/i13/36a02601.htm]
more