by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Can testimony before a Congressional committee be both spirited and dispiriting? Apparently, if you’re Extreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugheylno responding to allegations of sexual assault in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, it can.
“Gaaaaaa-aaaaiiiieeee! Why am I back here‽ Who dares interrupt my inevitable ascent to an Extreme Court seat‽” he started with a snarl that started dozey journalists. “Grrrrr – you never mistook an upset stomach for alcohol poisoning‽ Ruff! Ruff! Grrruff! Revenge of the Roocartonclevemans – nobody would pay to see that dog of a film! Gaaaaaaaaaack! Ack! Ack! Our yearbook inscriptions were innocent – alumnae never lie! Aaawoooooooaaaaah! Sore losers! 2016 was decades ago – get over it! Aie! Aieeeeeee! Grrrrrrrrack! George Sorobororos hates me! George Sorobororos hates me!” He spent the next 40 minutes alternately hissing at the Dumbopratic Senators on the committee and howling at nobody in particular. He has never expressed interest in becoming a member of any sort of commando unit, led by Nick Firefurioso or otherwise, so that explains nothing.
Eventually, Kavanaugheylno’s head flumphed on his desk as he panted for air, a sign that his opening statement was winding down and it would soon be time for questions from Senators.
In the lull, Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum poked his head out from under the hoop skirt of Mariana Trenchantobserva, whose prosecutorial prowess against sex offenders the Reduhblicans felt would be good to turn on Kavanaugheylno’s accuser, and commented, “Wait. Is it okay to get all surly and aggressive, now? Shove over, lady!”
Trenchantobserva objected that she was standing on a platform in order to be able to wear a skirt large enough to hide all 11 Reduhblicans on the committee, which severely compromised her freedom of movement. “Nobody should get in the way of legitimate Senate business!” Senator Grahamcrokercrum growled, knocking her over in a hurry to get to his seat so that he could participate in the imminent ragefest.
The resulting crash woke up any journalists who might still have been sleeping off the night before.
Dumbopratic Senator Dick Deannadurbin (who, yes, is the grandson of early film star Deanna Deannadurbin) asked Kavanaugheylno if he was keen on having the Federal Bureau of Instigations investigate the allegations against him. Now, Senator Deannadurbin is known as “The Oatmeal” (and, not in a humourous web sitey kind of way), but something in the way he asked the question (for the 17th time, since Kavanaugheylno’s first 16 responses involved looking wistfully into the middle distance and humming a few bars of “Bali Hai” to himself before coming to his sense and saying, “Sorry, Senator – aren’t your five minutes up yet?”) set Senator Grahamcrokercrum off.
He began to shout, “Asked and answered! Caw! Asked and answered! Grrr! Rowf! Rowf! Rowf! You – you’re – you’ve had 37 years to call in the FBI, and you do it now‽ This – gaaaaaaaarbaaaaanzoooooo! – is the most unethical behaviour since Eve hounded Adam to get more fruit in his diet! Healthier my ass! Aaaarrr! Arrrrr! Grrrrarrrrr!”
“Help!” a tiny, unamplified voice yelped from behind a 10 foot round hoop skirt that had been knocked on its side. “I – I can’t believe I’m saying this – but, I’ve fallen down and I can’t get up!”
Senator Grahamcrokercrum’s impassioned plea on behalf of Kavanaugheylno (unless it was an audition for the position of Attorney General in Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s administration, which would come as a surprise to Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic, although if it was much of a surprise, maybe he really wasn’t fit for the position) opened the floodgates and drowned the fields in sewage.
Committee Chair Chuck Gasleygrassteahee shouted, “Time out! Time f…ar…ing out! Rrrrwaarrrr! We have a saint sitting across from us, a totally righteous dude, and I will not sit idly by while his life is destroyed by a shameful partisan attack from people who clearly have no respect for surfing! Grrrr-rowf”
At the next Reduhblican opportunity, Senator Orrin Berrydahatchet shrieked, “When did ‘advise and consent’ become ‘Miami Vice and piss on him‽’ Grrrrrrr! Hisssssss! Booooooo!”
Soon after, Senator Ted Cruzouttacontrol added near the top of his lungs (so-described because the upper limits of his vocal capacity had never been properly triple blind with an olive twist tested): “Awwwwrrrr! Geeeeee! Sssssss! Dumboprats bad! Dumboprats bad! Arrrrrr! Oww!”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam rubbed her temple as if it was throbbing unpleasantly. “They talked for 55 minutes,” she croaked, “and they didn’t ask a single question. You know something is terribly, terribly broken with a Senate committee if the witness has to ask if any questions will be forthcoming! Do you…do you have any aspirin?”
“No, seriously, I need some help, here,” Trenchantobserva futilely shook her legs. “I’m losing the feeling in my waist. Somebody? Anybody?”
“Brett done good,” President McDruhitmumpf crowed. “His defence? Really, I couldn’t have said it better myself!”