by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
To better assess Brett Kavanaugheylno’s fitness to serve on the Extreme Court of the United States til death (or Presidential snit) do them part, Dumbopratic Senators have asked for approximately 125,000 documents relating to the nominee’s time serving in the Grey House under President Georgie W. Bushbushindakush. The Reduhblicans have graciously given them access to seven.
Waving a dismissive hand (if that is the attitude of a single appendage, imagine the contempt in his whole body), Reduhblican Chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee Chuck Gasleygrassteahee stated, “Aww, poop in a can. I don’t know why anybody would want to waste their time reading those documents. I’ve read them. Not all of them, of course, it’s a full day for me just chairmanning. And, I didn’t finish the ones I did read – just managed a couple of pages of each of them – they’re just so long and dull and written in the most stupefying legalese that I had the best sleep I’ve had since my youngest child went off to provocational school!”
The Dumboprats want the documents in order to determine whether or not Kavanaugheylno lied to them at his previous confirmation hearing seven years ago for his current position on the Court of Appeals.
“Brett Kavanaugheylno is a good man,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf weighed in. “A kind man. I’ve never seem him kick a puppy with emphysema from a pack a day smoking habit – and I can’t say that about all my friends, believe me.” We believe him. But, he has said the same thing about former Kook Klux Klan Grand Visor David Dukaborrental, right down to the curiously specific detail about the form of the family pet’s lung disease. For what that’s worth.
At the earlier hearing, Kavanaugheylno claimed that he absolutely, positively, for sure didn’t have anything to do with the Bushbushindakush administration’s policy of “enhanced interrogation techniques which are totally not torture because some lawyers on our payroll who are our friends and wanted us to be happy wrote a completely unbiased legal opinion to that effect even if they are not willing to admit it in future confirmation hearings for important court positions, so there.” For what that‘s worth.
However, the New Yoricknuhemwell Times obtained a document from a gumball machine that sold Japanese cultural tchotkes which showed that Kavanaugheylno was an enthusiastic supporter of the policy. “We need to take the gloves off,” he enthusiastically wrote in an internal memo. “Put them back on the shelf – or, no, take them back to the store and get a refund. This is a battle of civilizations with people who don’t play by the same rules that we do – so the refund should be in full!”
The Times journalist who broke the story was disappointed he hadn’t gotten a Totoro on a leaf keychain. For what that’s worth.
Nor is this the only example of Kavanaugheylno’s…strained relationship with the truth. In the early 2000s, information about the Dumboprat’s approach to Reduhblican judicial nominees was…liberated from a server shared by the two parties. At the previous hearing, Senator Patrick Leasaypromhybomb, who believed that even if information wanted to be free, some of it should be corralled for its own good, questioned Kavanaugheylno about his knowledge of the free range info. Kavanaugheylno, whose responsibilities included shepherding Reduhblican judicial nominations through the Senate, claimed he had none.
Well.
Emails that have surfaced since then suggest that he did, in fact, know that the information had been obtained illicitly. Suggest it forcefully. Suggest it passionately. Suggest it with a slight tremor in its voice that suggests a wealth of emotion.
“I reject your suggestion!” Kavanaugheylno gently bellowed at his current confirmation hearing. “That was a time of collegiality among representatives on both sides of the aisle! We talked to each other, Senator! So, if we had what appeared to be confidential information about the other side’s secret political tactics, we assumed that they were freely given! Not that you would know anything about cross-party civility you mealy-mouthed maggot!“
Later in the session, Kavanaugheylno apologized for mischaracterizing maggots. For what that’s worth.
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam pointed out that the method by which the seven documents were released to the committee was deeply flawed, bordering on weird (no question, they didn’t live in the best neighbourhood). Ordinarily, Congress asks the Grey House for documents, and it supplies them. In this case, the Grey House appointed a good friend of President Bushbushindakush to “pre-sort” the documents and give the Senate Judiciary Committee those which didn’t violate Presidential privilege.
“That isn’t a thing,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam insisted. “They completely made up the part about getting somebody to vet the documents before they are released, and Presidential privilege is limited and doesn’t apply in this case. I don’t have to ask, ‘Is that a thing?’ because it’s definitely not. A thing.”
For what that’s worth. Which, given the pressure the Reduhblicans are exerting to get Kavanaugheylno confirmed, probably isn’t much.