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Enjoy,He Would Have Been So Proud
Newspaper magnate Kenneth Thompson died at the age of 82. Corporate executives throughout Canada agreed to observe a minute of silence in his memory. However, in the silence, they realized that they were losing productivity, and most ended their minute of silence after 23 seconds.
Isn’t that typical? American corporate executives would have ended their minute of silence after only six seconds – seven at the most. This is why our productivity lags so badly behind theirs!
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Our Little Missile System Is – *Sniff* – Growing Up
Well, tests of the American missile defense system have had such nasty results that the Army has stopped announcing them publicly. Could it get any more embarrassing? It’s like a 23 year-old who is still in kindergarten. Maybe it’s time for mommy and daddy to cut its $7 billion annual allowance…
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
And Counting…
2,500.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
We’d Save On Accommodations, We’d Lose On Batteries – Bit Of A Tossup, Really
Please! If Canadians had wanted a leader who repeats everything the American President says, we would have elected a tape recorder as Prime Minister!
SOURCE: LotsMusic
Don’t Look At Me – It’s Scientific!
According to scientists, gazelles in Saudi Arabia can shrink their hearts and livers to reduce oxygen demand during droughts and food shortages. Even in this condition, however, their hearts are still bigger than Anne Coulter’s.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Well, I’d Rather Be A Smartass Than Have a Dumbass – So There!
Q: A security certificate allows for a person to be jailed and eventually deported if they have had past involvement in terrorist activities, violating human or international rights or engaging in serious criminal activity, such as organized crime. Given that the accused don’t have to be immediately charged with a crime and that the evidence is shown to judges in private, violating the right to a fair trial because defense attorneys only get a summary, why haven’t the Ministers of Citizenship and Immigration and Public Safety signed a certificate for their own arrest?
A: You know, nobody likes a smartass.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Did He Die In The Time Wars? Please, Tell Me He Didn’t Die In The Time Wars!
I don’t know when I first concluded that Snoopy’s doghouse was dimensionally transcendent, but when I realized that it contained far more than made sense given the exterior dimensions, the conclusion seemed obvious. It follows, then, that Snoopy was actually a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey. The goofy dance, the obsession with ice hockey – these were all quirks to throw Charlie Brown – his nominal “owner” – off the scent. What I can’t figure out is why Snoopy felt earthbound. Was he exiled here for vad Time Lord behaviour? Maybe his doghouse/Tardis was broken? With the death of Charles Schultz, we may never know.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
Ho Lee Settlement, Batman!
We were completely wrong about Los Alamos scientist Wen Ho Lee. He did not, as we alleged in news articles, sell information about America’s nuclear power plants to China. We sincerely apologize for any damage to Mr. Lee’s reputation, and especially for the fact that the hysteria surrounding his arrest – a hysteria which we helped create – caused him to be put in solitary confinement for nine months. We know that no amount of money can alleviate the damage we have caused, but we hope that a $1.6 million settlement will be a start. Too bad we can’t reveal the anonymous government sources that were the basis of our stories, but freedom of the press and all that.
And we stand by that story.
Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, ABC, The Associated Press and The New York Times
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
A Straight To Bargain Bin Release
Mutant Lesbian Cannibal Bears From Mars Join the Circus. Those crazy cannibal bears are at it again! This time, they bring their own special brand of mayhem to the circus! Sure, the acting is atrocious, the story is unbelievable and the special effects are cheesy – that’s half the fun! (The other half is being able to completely ignore the effects of global warming on the Arctic!)
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
Positive Thinking…Taken To The Level Of Psychopathy
People who complain about the erosion of civil liberties because of the war on terror seem to have missed the fact that it opens up a whole new area of economic possibility. Licence plates, for example:
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
What A Tool! – Of American Policy, I Mean…
Dear Michael Ignatieff:
Before you make another fatuous comparison between Afghanistan and Rwanda, please print out the above chart, cut it out on the dotted line and place it in your wallet for easy consultation. Those of us who would like an honest debate on Canada’s role in Afghanistan would be grateful.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Use Your Imagination…Or Not…
Why do they sell porn magazines in airports? I’ve never actually been on a plane when somebody said, “Gee, we’ve got a long flight ahead of us – I think I’ll whip out a Hustler.” Where would anybody read a dirty magazine on an airplane anywa –
I’m never using an airplane washroom again for as long as I live.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
And Then There’s Superman Returns And…
I can’t have my operation on Thursday – A Scanner Darkly opens on Friday! You don’t understand: it’s Richard Linklater directing a film based on a Philip K. Dick novel! I have to see it! It…it’s rotoscoped and everything! I…I…
I’m really desperate, aren’t I?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
