Thank you, Hoss Anna, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. DID YOU KNOW: that people were lashed to crucifixes with rope rather than nailed to them because the nails ripped up people’s flesh and the crucifixees just fell off and bled all over the ground for several hours, much to the embarrassment of the centurions who ran the event?
Enjoy,We Don’t Run The Banking System, Either – You May Be Thinking Of Methodists
First, Isaac Hayes quit the show South Park, claiming that an episode that made fun of Scientology offended his delicate religious sensibilities. Then, Paul Haggis, director of the Oscar winning film Crash, mentioned that he was a Scientologist in interviews.
And, I thought: fantastic. If enough Scientologists declare their religious beliefs, maybe people will stop saying that Jews run the entertainment industry!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Preemptive Campaign Strike
The 2006 mid-term elections are still months away, but the Republicans have already mapped out their 2008 Presidential campaign. They plan to portray the Democratic candidate as a panty-waisted serial liar and sexual deviate who would compromise national security by allowing gays in the military to have abortions in their ninth month of pregnancy.
“We don’t need to know who the Democratic candidate actually is,” Karl Rove, rumoured to be tempted by an offer to work in Satan’s Office of Helland Security, stated. “We can fill in the unimportant details later.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Sometimes A Cheap Shot Is The Best 1: Politics
On the subject of a former NDP MP working for a Conservative cabinet minister, Paul St. Pierre writes: “Can Ms. Wasylycia-Leis stretch her mind enough to make room for the idea that some politicians think their duty is to serve a party while others think it is to serve the public?”
Can Mr. St. Pierre stretch his mind enough to make room for the idea that all politicians think their duty is to serve themselves?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
You Could Just Gag On The Symbolism
In what is believed to be the first preemptive strike of its kind, the United States has bombed the Yakahito Centre in Tokyo, Japan. The Centre was the site for the partially built memorial to those who lost their lives in the 2012 terrorist attack on Pachinko parlours throughout the country.
In a packed news conference, Secretary of State Darby O’Gill explained that if it had been allowed to be completed, the Yakahito Centre memorial would be three inches taller than the Preemptive Freedom Towers, the New York memorial to victims of the September 11 terrorist attack on the United States, which is now expected to be completed by January, 2036.
“With all due respect to the Japanese people,” O’Gill stated, “we made it very clear to the Japanese government that we would not tolerate a memorial that was taller than ours. Nobody suffers – and nobody trivializes their suffering – more than Americans.”
President Macaulay Culkin was unavailable for comment.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
Might As Well Outlaw Oxygen – Terrorists Breath, Right?
The Canadian government is considering laying charges against Microsoft for aiding terrorist activity. “Terrorists use Microsoft Word to create documents,” one source high up in the RCMP confirmed, “and many of them use Hotmail to communicate. It would be an open and shut case.”
“We also think Google’s behaviour is highly suspect,” the source added.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
If I Had Had Any Faith In Business To Begin With…
According to a recent study by The Delphi Group, between 10 and 25 per cent of all paper handled in business is lost. “We couldn’t be more precise,” one of the researchers commented, “because we…misplaced some of the surveys.”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
We Would Have Skewed The Results
Top nine reasons to doubt the results of a study that shows that teachers had germier jobs than television producers (ranked 6th) and lawyers (ranked 9th):
9. toilet cleaners are planning to protest the results of the study
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Sometimes A Cheap Shot Is The Best 2: Alleged Comedians
9pm MTV Canada Let’s Talk About Warts! The first in a series of lame prime time talk shows created to fail in order to allow MTV Canada to go to the CRTC and ask for a loosening up of its licence restrictions. Watch for a guest appearance by Howie Mandel.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
Because The Only Good Use For Ice Is Cooling Drinks
Receding ice sheets and rising sea levels could mean that coastal cities such as Miami would be completely submerged by water. This would mean a drastic change in the world as we know it. In the past, civilizations used to send their old people out onto the ocean to die; now, we can just wait for the ocean to come to the old people.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
It Gained Better Special Effects, Though
What a comedown! Toronto has gone from center of the universe to Middle Earth!
SOURCE: aye Weakly