Thank you, Andrea Beale, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Not only that, but…but… That Pam Coburn, she sure is a hottie – you think we have a chance with her? It’s not what you think – it’s not a sex thing – we feel a…a spiritual connection, like we’re soul mates or something. We’d really just like to hold her hand and gaze deeply into her eyes. You know, be sensitive all over the place. And, now that Pam’s been fired from City Hall, that Carnevale character will dump her faster than yesterday’s news. Seriously, you think we have a shot?
Enjoy,Putting The Con Into Confirmation Hearings
President George Bush yesterday nominated a black hole to take over the Supreme Court position left vacant by the retirement of Sandra Day O'Connor. While the Democrats ran around the room making weird squawking noises and bumping into each other, the strongest criticism of the nomination came from Republicans.
“A black hole swallows everything that comes within its gravitational field,” groused amateur physicist Pat Buchanan. “No information escapes. Ever. How are we supposed to judge a candidate who doesn’t allow any information on how it will vote on Roe v. Wade to escape?”
President Bush was quick to defend his nomination. “The black hole has been working in the White House press office for years,” he stated at a hastily put together press opportunity. “I know this black hole, I’ve worked alongside it for many years, and I can tell you that this black hole is the ideal candidate for the Supreme Court!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Where The Audience Lies
Since Where the Truth Lies was hit with an NC-17 rating in the United States, director Atom Egoyan has been worried that it would affect how many people would see his film. No need. If any fewer people saw his films, his audience would be in negative numbers.
SOURCE: Payback
There’s No Such Thing As Too Thin Or Too Subtle
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Dances With Corruption
1. When accused of insider trading, say all of your assets are held in a blind trust so that you didn’t know you owned the stock that was sold.
2. When old statements are unearthed which indicate that you knew very well that you owned the stock, claim that you had no insider information, that, in fact, you sold the stock in order to dispel any appearance there may have been that you were acting improperly.
While doing the two-step, try not to step on the toes of other Senators, and always remember that you lead.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
Truly The Superior Species
Scientists in Florida have taught dolphins to combine rhythm and vocalizations to produce music; the first song the dolphins were taught to sing was the Batman theme. Experts at communicating with dolphins have reported that the mammals have begged to be put back on Navy bomb carrying duty.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Define “Asking”
handout (noun): giving money or food or clothing to a needy person
giveaway (noun): a gift of public land or resources for the private gain of a limited group
framework (noun): a structure supporting or containing something; a simplified description of a complex entity or process
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
Covering Your Ass From Coast To Coast
The CBC lockout is over, just in time to air the first Saturday night hockey game of the new season. Other programmes – primarily entertainment and public affairs – will get up to speed in the next week…or two…or whatever. “Soon.” This should tell members of the Canadian Media Guild exactly what management thinks of them.
Meanwhile, Guy Fournier, new chair of the CBC board, said that President Robert Rabinovitch should not have acted alone, but should have consulted the board before making the decision to lock out the workers. Right. I’m sure the board would have asked Rabinovitch really pointed questions – maybe even circulated a couple of strongly worded memos – before rubber stamping the move.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Are They Letting Paris Make Decisions Again?
Hilton has started asking some hurricane Katrina evacuees to check out of their hotels so the chain can honour the reservations of incoming guests. Hurricane refugees can use more water and electricity than normal guests, Hilton argued, and they do not spend nearly as much on food and incidentals (ie: Debbie Does Disasters).
In order not to be seen as totally inhumane, Hilton would like to move hurricane victims out of its regular rooms and into its luxurious Janitorial Suites. Suitable for 8 to twelve refugees (more if they haven’t eaten for a week), the Janitorial Suites come fully equipped with a sink and…mops. The single overhead bulb offers intimate chiaroscuro lighting, while the view of concrete walls on all four sides allows guests to ponder just what the hell got them into this situation in the first place.
You see? Commerce and compassion need not be mutually exclusive.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
70s Comedy Flashback
“Did you hear? Ronnie Barker died.”
“Ronnie Barker?”
“Ronnie Barker.”
“The Chicago blues club favourite?”
“No, that’s Ronnie Baker.”
“Not the host of The Price Is Right?”
“No, that’s Bob Barker.”
“The religious leader?”
“Religious leader?”
“You know – the one who had the wife who always used too much mascara.”
“Ah, no. That would be Jim Bakker.”
“I never did like him.”
“That’s as may be, but Ronnie Barker died.”
“Wasn’t he a character in an episode of The Monkees?”
“No, that was Ronnie Farnsworth.”
“Oh! Oh! Oh! The famous country music session player!
“No! That was Ronnie Parker.”
“Oh. He wouldn’t have been that short British comedian – the one who always wore those thick glasses?”
“No, you’re thinking of Ronnie Corbett. Close, though – he was the other Ronnie on The Two Ronnies.”
“Wasn’t he the love interest on Sex and the City?”
“No, that was John Corbett!”
“Not Ronnie Corbett?”
“Look! I’ve already told you: he was the other Ronnie on The Two Ronnies.”
“Oh. Sorry. I seem to be drawing a blank.”
“Ronnie Barker was one of the Ronnies on The Two Ronnies!”
“I thought you said that was Ronnie Corbett.”
“YES! But, there were two of them. That’s why it was called The Two Ronnies! Two!”
“Oh. And, he died?”
“EXACTLY! I mean, uhh, exactly. He died.”
“Shame. Funny man.”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
