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Enjoy,If The American Constitution Had Been Written Like The Iraqi Constitution
Article. I.SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
I’m, Like, So Offensive By That, Man
A recent survey for the European Union shows that half of Europeans are able to speak two or more languages. This is embarrassing for the federal government because, of course, almost half of Americans are barely able to speak one language.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
That’s What Makes Them Fans
The new Coldplay album, “X and Y,” continues to be popular. Fans claim that, thanks to the band’s growing success and lead singer Chris Martin’s marriage to Gwyneth Paltrow, the songs are more upbeat, happier.
How can they tell?
SOURCE: LotsMusic
The War Zone – Make It Your Zone
In a recent poll, an astonishing 97 per cent of Americans said they would not go to war in order to project American power in the world. (Two per cent responded they would, one per cent responded they were busy eating dinner and f*ck the h*ll off.) With a margin of error of plus or minus three percentage points nine times out 10, it is possible that nobody in this country would be willing to fight in a war just to remind other countries that the US is the most powerful nation the world has ever known.
“I would,” Paul Wolfowitz responded.
Well, okay, maybe one person…
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
I Prefer To Think Of Myself As Disarming
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
It Makes Sense If You View Women As Either Hot Bitches Or Cold Cows
The Bush administration has been taken by surprise at the vehemence of the opposition to its appointment of a veterinarian to head the women’s health section of the Food and Drug Administration. In his weekly radio address, President Bush defended the appointment by asking, “Isn’t everybody into pony sex?”
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
If He Did, It’s Not Like Nose Plugs Would Help…
MONDAY: So, now that September has, like, ended, will radio stations stop playing Green Day’s “When September Ends?”
TUESDAY: My definition of fashion: clothes made for people who aren’t you.
WEDNESDAY: Are Tom DeLay’s enemies really trying to bring The Hammer down?
THURSDAY: If we were like butterflies, which can only fly in straight lines, how would we be able to park our cars?
FRIDAY: Now that John Roberts has been accepted as Chief Justice of the American Supreme Court, will the government ask that his photograph be taken off the sides of milk cartons?
SATURDAY: How old is Donald Rumsfeld in horse’s ass years?
SUNDAY: Does god snore?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
It Was A Mercy Killing
The detective paced the room furiously, puzzling out in his mind the question: who killed Canadian conservatism?
Canadian liberalism was the obvious suspect. It had motive (political spoils). It had opportunity (it wielded a mean levers of power). It didn’t appear to feel any sadness that conservatism was now dead. And, yet, this struck the detective as too facile, too obvious.
Perhaps it was suicide. Not the usual self-flagellation that the Conservative Party periodically went through, tearing itself apart with contradictory notions of what direction is should go in. No, this would have been the great depression of a political party that had moved far to the right and found that citizens weren’t all that enthusiastic about following. The suicide theory held a lot of promise, and yet…and yet…
The detective continued to pace. Then, a thought struck him…
It’s not how you tell it – it’s the story, stupid. The National Whipping Post. A bitter read.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Tobacco Company Mantra – The Scratch Version
1955: “Everybody knows cigarettes are not a health hazard, so we should not be held financially liable for the illnesses of smokers.”
1965: “Everybody knows cigarettes are not a health hazard, so we should not be held financially liable for the illnesses of smokers.”
1975: “Everybody knows cigarettes are not a health hazard, so we should not be held financially liable for the illnesses of smokers.”
1985: “Everybody knows cigarettes are not a health hazard, so we should not be held financially liable for the illnesses of smokers.”
1995: “Everybody knows cigarettes are not a health hazard, so we should not be held financially liable for the illnesses of smokers.”
2005: “Everybody knows cigarettes are a health hazard, so we should not be held financially liable for the illnesses of smokers.”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
No Wonder Oscar’s A Grouch
MILITARY MATH GAME
29) If you claim to have three battalions of Iraqi soldiers ready to fight, and two don’t exist, how many battalions of Iraqi soldiers ready to fight do you actually have?
30) If 1,924 Americans have been killed by Iraqi insurgents, AND an Improvised Explosive Device kills five more, BUT the press doesn’t cover it, how many Americans have really been killed in Iraq?
BONUS QUESTION: If you promise to cut the number of American troops in Iraq by half, but the number of Iraqi troops is only a third of what you had announced it to be, how long before the President’s approval ratings end up in irrational numbers?
SOURCE: Sesame Seed Street
Just Say No To Fashion Advertising
Chanel now claims that it didn’t fire model Kate Moss because of her cocaine use. “Actually, the problems started when she got off the coke,” Chanel spokeswoman Monique von Furstenlast stated. “She gained, like, 259 pounds. We hid it with makeup as best we could for as long as we could, but, let’s face it, that’s just not going to help us sell our products!”
SOURCE: Fashion Crimes Television
You Do What You Want With The Top Of Your Lap…
American soldiers in Iraq were given laptop computers to allow them to maintain contact with their family stateside. Now, there are allegations that some soldiers have traded photos of dead Iraqis for free access to a porn site. If these allegations turn out to be true, I don’t want to know what these soldiers’ families are like!
SOURCE: USA Whenever