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Enjoy,Define Your Terms…Out Of Existence
You may be having difficulty figuring out where the negotiations for the Iraqi constitution currently stand. Fortunately, there is a simple equation that explains it all:
c(a + b) - d = e
where
a = Shiite approvalAny questions?
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
I Don’t Know Art, But I Know What I’d Like To Bring Down A Government
Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper insisted that Prime Minister Paul Martin had some explaining to do when it was revealed that Governor General designate Michaelle Jean created a finger painting that looked like a child “separating” from its mother when she was in kindergarten. “Can there be a clearer indication of her support for separatism?” Harper asked.
Everybody in Ottawa shook their heads sadly and hoped that Harper would soon get a life.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Don’t Leave The Continental United States Without It
Cost of keeping troops in Iraq: $2 billion per month.
Cost of rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure: $30 billion, and rising.
Cost of funds that have been fraudulently collected: $7.5 billion, and rising.
Cost of the look on the faces of liberals once they realize that you’ve gotten the country into a war based on manipulated intelligence that has increased terrorism, decreased your popularity abroad and bankrupted the treasury…and there’s not a damn thing they can do about it: priceless.
Some things just cannot be bought. For everything else, there’s the American Aggression credit card.
SOURCE: American Aggression International Finance, Business Toadying and Travel
On The Other Hand, Complicity Is Complicity
By now, nobody has to be told about the horrific events of the Crusades. All reasonable people have condemned the atrocities. And, yet, Christians remain oddly silent. Are there no moderate Christians willing to speak out against the atrocities? Why wouldn’t they? Should we assume that there are no moderate Christians, that all Christians support the Crusades? Because, let’s face it, silence is complicity.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
Diddy Or Diddn’ty?
Rap star P. Diddy has declared that from now on he wants to be known simply as “Diddy.” Diddy said that this was to avoid confusion, although what that might suggest about his fans was left unstated.
In response, novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald stated through his agent that he would now like to be known as “Scottie.” According to the agent, Scottie said that this was hopefully to create some confusion for his fans, and, after all, isn’t that what art is about?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Have You Ever Given Any Thought To What The Word “Craze” Really Means?
8pm. China One. Beijing Idol. This is it! Starting with a field of 120,000 hopefuls, we are down to the final five! Will Zhi Zho-Yang win it all with her rendition of “The Sun Never Sets Over the Endless Struggle of the Proletarian Revolution?” Or, will it be Chow Cho-San’s stirring “Lackeys of the International Capitalist Conspiracy Will Choke on the Blood of their Corrupt Children?” The winner could even be Bao Li-Kang, whose rendition of “You Light Up My Life” in Mandarin is expected to be a massive hit in Taiwan! How will you know? You cannot miss this show! (Literally: you will be taken to the countryside to be reeducated if you do.)
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
Moog Over!
Digital music pioneer Robert A. Moog, the inventor of the synthesizer, has died. He will forever be remembered as the person who made the song “Popcorn” by the band Hot Butter possible. And, not in a good way.
SOURCE: Synth You Asked
More Of A Cannonball Trot
Canada’s Cannonball Run, a five day, 4,500 kilometre road rally across the country, has been cancelled due to resistance from law enforcement officials. Resistance from law enforcement? I thought that was half the fun! Dom DeLuise must be spinning in his grave.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
How’s That Middle Nation Thing Workin’ For Ya?
Canada is considering what its response should be to the American decision to completely ignore the latest NAFTA panel’s findings that its tariff on Canadian softwood lumber is illegal. The choices for the Canadian government seem to be to negotiate with the Americans or to stop negotiating with the Americans.
The options would be quite different if the roles were reversed, and if it had been Canada that had reneged on its trade agreement obligations. The American choice would be between suing the sons of bitches in international court and invading them because, frankly, the insolent bastards really need to stop thinking of themselves as a separate country.
Life is so much easier when all of your diplomatic options seem to involve shooting somebody in the head.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
Okay, It…It’s Weird Enough For Me
The ashes of gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson were shot into the air amid fireworks, six months after his death. It was the most coherent statement he had made in years.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
Urine, The Money
Sources within the British military have expressed concerns that the new germ-fighting underwear that soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are being outfitted with will actually lessen troop hygiene. “They may feel that they don’t have to wait for the final tinkle,” one General, who asked not to be named, stated, “figuring that their undergarments would clean up the, err, remains. Not only would that be unsanitary, but it’s really, really, really, really gross.”
In other urine news, a team of researchers has developed a battery that runs on the human waste, according to a report in The Journal of Micromechanics and Microengineering. If the battery proves successful, it could solve the world’s energy problems, since it’s based on an infinitely renewable resource. British military officers blanched at the possibility.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul