Thank you, Mercedes Schweinbenz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we saw The Dukes of Hazzard and lost our will to live.
Enjoy,Children Cry When Investigations Fly
Kansas Senator Pat Roberts has announced that he will be conducting an investigation of Patrick Fitzgerald, the man who is currently investigating the leak of the name of a CIA agent to the press. Not to be outdone, Democrat Joe Biden is about to announce that he will be investigating Senator Roberts. Next week, hoping to shore up a floundering acting career, Jon Lovitz will announce that he is starting an investigation of Biden.
What were we talking about, again?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
John Buchan Must Be Spinning In His Grave
I didn’t really have any interest in the governor general until Michaelle Jean’s photo was plastered on the front page of newspapers throughout the country. Holy crap! Our next governor general is a babe! I don’t know what a governor general does, but, wow, ours is really hot.
Yeah, sure, she was an award winning journalist and stuff before she was chosen. But, let’s be honest: her journalism awards weren’t splashed across four columns on the covers of the newspapers. Our next governor general is a fox!
Is this a great country or what?
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Wondering What The Minister Has Been Smoking Could Get You Deported
Activist Marc Emery has been arrested in Vancouver for selling marijuana seeds over the Internet to Americans. If extradited, he could face a minimum of 10 years in an American prison, and, if found guilty of being a “drug kingpin,” he could be executed. Marijuana is seriously criminal in the US, while it is barely criminal here, but barely is just enough to make extradition valid.
So, basically, Marc Emery is going to rot in a foreign jail for a decade and possibly die because the Canadian justice minister is too lazy to get off his ass and decriminalize marijuana.
Is this a lousy country or what?
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors
Not That We’re Thinking About Anybody In Particular…
Ten Signposts in the Decline of a Female Actor’s Career:
1. You star in a horrible horror movie.
2. You star in a comedy that isn’t funny.
3. You fire your agent.
4. Your new agent gets you the lead in a thriller that isn’t thrilling.
5. You check into rehab.
6. You check out of rehab in time to star in another comedy that isn’t funny.
7. You fire your agent again.
8. You hire your minor rock star boyfriend as your agent. He gets you the female lead in a Vin Diesel film.
9. Taking your career in your own hands, you get yourself guest spots on various television series, culminating in the lead of a sitcom that last two weeks on the air.
10. You turn down a spot on Hollywood Squares, arguing that it’s not something a serious actor would do, but later come to regret the decision.
SOURCE: Peephole
Guns Don’t Kill People, Elk Kill People
A spate of shootings in Toronto has left gun enthusiasts with some ‘splainin’ to do. “Obviously,” one man, who asked to be identified as “Jimmy the Redneck,” stated, “The gunmen were shooting elk and missed. Could happen to anybody.”
Good to know that the elk at Yonge and Dundas are safe because urban hunters have such poor eyesight. That might not be so comforting to the families of the human beings who have been shot, though.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
Getting His Ducks In A Roe vs. Wade
John Roberts, President Bush’s candidate for Supreme Court Justice, has pledged to respect established rulings if confirmed. This, of course, differentiates him from previous Supreme Court nominees who pledged to “make shit up as I go along.”
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
Glib…Clever – It’s Such A Fine…Err…
Alberta Premier Ralph Klein, in a newspaper article arguing in favour of private health care, wrote that those who would buy their health care would “not jump the line, but move out of the line.” Now, you may think that line is tired, but it’s about time that somebody in Canada knew where to draw the line on public health care.
For too many years, we’ve been forced to toe the line on the issue of private health care. Why? Because people don’t want doctors to line their pockets with patients’ money? Proponents of that tired line of reasoning should be lined up against a wall and –
Look. When it comes to phrases with the word “line” in them, I’ve got a long line of products. For instance: can anybody be helped but be moved by the tears streaking down the lined faces of elderly men and women paying for MRI scans of their desiccated livers? Or: opponents of private health care should face up to the fact that the stars are aligned against them.
You may think I’m out of line, but let’s face it: a glib phrase beats a reasoned argument any day. Well, that’s my line, anyway, and I’m sticking to it.
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
Now That You Mention It…
Mamadou Tandja, President of Niger, told the BBC that his people “look well fed” and that reports of famine in his country were propaganda by the United Nations, aid agencies and opposition parties for political and economic gain.
“You see?” he asked, patting a woman next to him on the shoulder. The woman collapsed in a heap at his feet. With a snap of his fingers, soldiers removed her from the room.
“Okay, perhaps,” President Tandja started again. However, the head of a man standing next to him blew off with his breath and rolled towards the feet of the journalists in the room. President Tandja snapped his fingers again, and every Nigerian in the room was removed except for him.
“Do you see any starving Nigerians here?” he asked with a broad smile.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
Give Me A Computer User Before The Age Of Seven…
A survey of students in kindergarten shows that over half use pirated software. “Can you appreciate the seriousness of these findings?” asked Debbi Bobebby, a spokesperson for the Canadian Alliance for Statistical Extremism and Panic. “This is behaviour that they will carry into grade school, and, from there, into junior high school. Then, it’s only a matter of a time before they replicate this behaviour in high school. Not only that, but many of these students will go on to university, where the behaviour will likely manifest itself. Then, the chances are pretty high that once they leave university and enter the business world, they’re going to continue doing these activities!”
Ms. Bobebby had to go to a dark, quiet room until she calmed down. Her doctors report that as long as she is kept away from lime Jello, she should be fine.
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
Heartwarming
Russians were jubilant at the rescue of seven sailors who had been trapped when their submarine was caught in fishing cables. Canadian officials were also quite pleased, noting that this pathetic debacle actually makes Canada’s navy look good by comparison.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul