The Daily Me - BatHam

Well, Isn't That Special?

DEFINITION: Special interest: any individual or group that did not contribute to my election campaign fund. USAGE: "I will not allow special interest groups to dictate the policy of my government."

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page

Clearer Heads Derail

Results from the Human Genome project indicate that race - that shibboleth that scares all but the most hardened researchers - has an effect on things like IQ and life achievement. Why, for instance, do so many Jews do well at filling out tax forms, while blacks are better at skeeball? Clearly, race is factor.

Okay, we may not be able to define what race is, but, like bad television, we know it when we see it. So - hey! You, there! Put down that armband! Swastikas are not funny, and, anyway, we're trying to have a serious scientific discussion, here.

The Human Genome researchers did not look at cultural factors when reaching their oh-so-tentative conclusions, so neither will we. The important thing is - what are you doing tying that rope to that tree? Lynchings? Are you serious? Don't you know that lynchings are so 20th century?

Stop that! Why are you herding those people into pens? Stop it right now!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T ANY OF YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE IDEA OF DISPASSIONATE SCIENTIFIC INQUIRY?

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

Book Now For The Annoy Hilton

In response to increasing outrage over conditions in Guantanamo Bay, Duncan Hunter, chairman of the House armed services committee, went on television to defend the institution. "When we use cigarettes on prisoners, they are unfiltered," he explained, holding up a filter-tipped cigarette. "We used to use burlap hoods, but now we use only the finest silk. And, when we dunk prisoner's heads in toilets, the water is lemon-scented. They've never been treated better - courtesy of the American taxpayer!"

In other torture-related news, Associate Attorney-General Michael Wiggins told the Senate judiciary committee that prisoners could be held at Guantanamo "in perpetuity." Makes it sound like a bad insurance policy, doesn't it? I'm comforted knowing that 100,000 years from now, when most of the waste from the country's nuclear power plants is finally safe to be around, there will still be prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

Wrong Is Rights

Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper has offered to accept the Liberal budget, including over $4 billion of new programme spending the Liberals agreed to put into the budget in order to get New Democratic Party support for the government. Thus, Harper made a deal with the man who made a deal with the devil. One can only assume this means that if Paul Martin is going to Hell, Harper is only going to Heck.

According to Conservative Peter Mackay, "The Liberals will sell their mother's kidneys to stay in power." Clearly, the party of free enterprise understands the concept.

So far, this has gotten very little press. It could be that the two deals cancel each other out, and the devil disappears in a puff of political convenience. It could be that Canada doesn't have enough political parties for any politician to be unconnected to the budget shenanigans. Or, maybe it's just that nobody in the Ottawa press corps really cares about the rights of gays.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

There's No Cure For A Persistent Conservative State

An autopsy supports the contention that Terri Schiavo was in a persistent vegetative state from which there was no hope of recovery. However, since he feels so strongly on the subject, Senator and Doctor Bill Frist should feel welcome to put two liters of water in a brain shaped bowl and wait for it to gain consciousness.

SOURCE: Unicycle

OK, OK, Not A Bar - Maybe He Just Had A Stomach Flu

Suppose Jesus went to a bar, got really, really wasted and threw up. What would be in his vomit? This is the question that the book What Would Jesus Spew? takes 457 pages to answer.

The book is a fascinating compendium of trivia about the modern North American diet, not to mention the state of the Saviour's digestive system extrapolated from Biblical references. Certain to appeal to the sort of Christian who unquestioningly buys any product with Jesus in its name.

SOURCE: Unread Book News

Fill In The Blanks, Then Stop Shooting Them

[A] of [B] has [C] for [D].

And, I thought, where have I heard all this before?

SOURCE: Business Law Daily

Dull, Dull, Deadly Dull

So, I got on the bus, and I thought there would be trouble, because I didn't have exact change. But, then the bus driver let me get on with what I had, which was really nice of him, because he didn't have to do that, but he did. So, it was cool. There weren't a lot of seats because it was getting close to rush hour, and I guess some people left work early to, you know, avoid rush hour and stuff. There was a seat kind of in the middle of the bus that was free, but it had this pinkish stuff on it, you know. I thought it might be chewing gum or maybe a piece of ratty pink paper, you know, the kind 12 year-old girls write love notes on, but it was kind of icky so I decided not to risk finding out.

A seat two rows back was also free, but it was next to an old man who was asleep, and I didn't think it would be a good idea to wake him up. I mean, old people, right? Sometimes they're really sweet, sometimes they'll start yelling at you for no good reason. You never can tell. And, really, I didn't mind standing, because it only takes an hour to get home and, what the hell, standing burns more calories than sitting and I suppose I can afford to lose a little weight. Not that I'm anorexic or anything, but - I don't mind standing. Why don't we just leave it at that?

SOURCE: Boredom Blog

It Depends On Whether They're Thick Or Thin

A rash of suicides of workers in Japan's menswear industry has been blamed on the Koizumi government's campaign to get people to wear less formal clothing in the hot summer months so that energy can be conserved by not using as much air conditioning. "Oh sure," one couturier commented, "the fact that they hung themselves with ties did spike sales, but how long can it last?"

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte