The Daily Me - Pat "Doc" Ostrowski

Thank you, Pat "Doc" Ostrowski, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Oddly enough, it was about the time the giant robots landed that we - hey, look, I'm really sorry about all that lemur stuff. But, really, have you ever been with a lemur? I mean, how do you know you won't like it if you don't try it? There's nothing unnatural about it. In fact, it feels good. Real good. Not like those vole people. Now, that's just sick. I mean, really, vo - oops, gotta fly - on time was a heroic effort.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Where Is A Censor Board When You Need It?

Workers at a Quebec Wal-Mart formed a large white face with a red tongue sticking out of its mouth, an apparent comment on their employer. At least, that's what it looked like until the workers representing the tongue shuffled back and forth along the workers representing the mouth and the workers representing the left eye scrunched together in what appeared to be a crude wink. You know, if I didn't know any better, I would swear they were coming on to the workers in the next field who stood in the shape of a giant...uhh, perhaps that's better left to the imagination.

SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker

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I Guess It Depends On Which Side Of The Border You...No, No, Actually, It Doesn't

Definition of mixed emotions: former American Security Czar Tom Ridge saying that, despite criticism to the contrary, Canada is doing its share to combat terrorism.

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page

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Just Another Casualty Of The Comedy Wars

9pm. Fox. Family Guy. Stewie is delighted when stormtroopers from the cartoon Star Wars Clone Wars kill everybody in Quah -

Oh, fuck it, I can't do this any more. I've been making jokes about corporate synergy for years, and I don't see AOL-Time Warner or Disney slowing down their franchise cross-overs one little bit. I'm just one satirist - there's only so much I can do! George Lucas doing a guest spot on The OC? Why not? Why the - SOB! - hell not?

SOURCE: The Ukrainian TV - nothing. Les Pages aux Folles

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If You Can't Exploit The Young And Vulnerable, Just Who Can You Exploit?

Some people are complaining about the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, but it is, in fact, not that difficult to understand.

A pregnant teenager cannot cross state lines to get an abortion without the accompaniment of one or more of her parents. If she does, the doctor cannot perform the abortion unless it is legal in both his state and the state the girl comes from. To get an exemption from this rule, the doctor must petition the legislature in the girl's state with a form written in chicken's blood. Alternately, the physician could slaughter a goat if the girl comes from a state that allows ritual sacrifice. The goat must be slaughtered using Biblical tools and methods, however; modern tools and methods will ensure that the doctor immediately loses his licence. If the petition is refused, the girl must return home and bear the child. She cannot go to a different state (known as "state-shopping). However, in cases where the mother's health is in jeopardy, she may bleed on the steps of her state's Supreme Court in the hope that it may sway judges in her favour.

See? Nothing could be simpler.

SOURCE: USA Whenever

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The Scowl Only Works For The Man In The Cowl

Advice to Stephen Harper: you'll look more Prime Ministerial once you wipe the foam from around your mouth. Consider a rabies shot.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

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Sometimes It's Hard Being A Contrarian

Nine reasons Angelina Jolie doesn't matter:

9. Karl Rove is not seducible.
8. Remember Cindy Garbleflarber from grade three? Didn't you learn anything about unattainable women from the experience? Or, at the age of 37, do you want to have crayons shoved up your nose again?
7. The last good film she made was Mia...or Pia...or, well, see what I mean?
6. Her research into cures for cancer has been plagued by missed deadlines, and many mainstream researchers are now saying that a once promising area of research will actually turn out to be a dead-end.
5. She's got a good beat, but you can't dance to her.
4. We take Brad Pitt way too seriously.
3. Two words: industrial-strength plumbing.
2. With approximately 79 million homes in the United States, it would take her 312,000 years to wreck all of them, and she's bound to lose some of her looks by then.
1. She's really an alien from the planet Garbleflarber who likes her human form better than her alien form, so she's called off the invasion.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

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Brilliant, Or...

Defending recent advertisements attacking the federal Liberal Party, Peter MacKay said "people need to know what's happening" at the Gomery inquiry into the adscam scandal. Apparently, the fact that it's been the lead story, splashed all over the covers of every newspaper in the country, for weeks isn't sufficiently informative. I would be impressed at MacKay's critique of what currently passes for journalism if I could just shake the sneaking suspicion that indicates his lack of interest in reading more than anything else.

MacKay went on to say that people don't need to wait to hear Gomery's final report before making up their minds about the scandal. So much for people's need to know. Again, I would be fascinated by this postmodern self-abnegation if I didn't secretly suspect that MacKay just wants to have things both ways for partisan political advantage.

No wonder Belinda Stronach left him.

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

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Don't Look At The Atrocities Behind The Curtain

Q: The Bush administration is claiming that a recent article on the desecration of a Koran in Guantanamo caused riots in Muslim countries that have left over a dozen dead. However, that story was first broken by the Independent of London in March, 2004. Why weren't there riots then?

A: Muslims were busy with their annual Clams Day celebrations.

Q: Clams Day? But, aren't Muslim countries mostly desert?

A: Muslims are inscrutable, aren't they?

Q: Okay, why didn't they riot after the December 30, 2004 report of Koran desecration in the Financial Times?

A: Nobody wants to riot so close to New Year's Eve. It spoils the atmosphere of hope.

Q: And, the January 9, 2005 report in the Sunday Times of London?

A: Muslims were too hung over from their New Year's celebrations.

Q: Devout Muslims don't drink alcohol.

A: Damn that inscrutability thing!

Q: Look, why don't you just admit that the riots were caused by the actions of American soldiers, things like leaving prisoners hanging for hours or days from bars or doors in semi-crucifixions; repeatedly beating them unconscious, waking them and then beating them again for days on end; sodomizing them; urinating on them, kicking them in the head, breaking their ribs, and -

A: Because it's easier to blame Newsweek. You know, for a journalist, you sure need to be lead by the hand to the obvious, don't you?

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

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