Dear Valued Daily Me Customer,
It has recently been brought to our attention that one member of our staff has been allowing his lemur fetish to get out of hand, and has been inserting messages of lemur longing into some versions of our daily news round-up. We're sorry you had to see that. The staff member in question realizes that he has a problem, and he has started going to a 12 step lemur love management programme which, we feel confident, will help him get his urges under control.
To be clear: what a man does with a lemur in the privacy of his own home is nobody's business. However, when his lemur infatuation interferes with his work, it does become everybody's business. In any case, we have put a strict screening process into place, and we expect that nothing will, in future, interfere with your enjoyment of our fine, fine news product.
Enjoy,Fox News and CNBC are considering suing Jennifer Wilbanks after it was revealed that she had not been kidnapped, but had simply gotten cold feet and run out on her fiance. "We put a lot of money, a lot of people, a lot of technical resources into her kidnapping," claimed Basil Exposition, a producer at Fox News. "The least she could have done was turned up dead somewhere! Why? Oh, why didn't god take her from us?"
In response, Wilbanks is rumoured to be considering suing the all news networks, claiming that they were able to charge advertisers top rates when they aired coverage of her disappearance. "It doesn't seem fair," she stated, "does it? That everybody should be making money off of my disappearance but me?"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Conservative MP Inky Mark demanded and received an apology from Treasury Board President Reg Alcock for saying that if he were to recruit somebody for ambassador he would "go a little higher up in the gene pool." Mark claimed that this was a slur against all Canadians of Chinese descent.
"It's a disgrace," said Conservative leader Stephen Harper. "Those pinheaded, back-stabbing Communist Liberal bastards are even more intolerant than we are!"
Uhh, yeah. I would get my deposit back from the political adviser who sold you that pre-election tactic, Steve.
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
Gooooooo Gators! ...But, Not In A Remotely Sexual Way...
The Texas House of Representatives has passed a law that would punish schools that allowed "overtly sexually suggestive" routines by cheerleaders at football games and other events. Overtly sexually suggestive movements include:
* swaying hips up and down
* shaking pom poms
* throwing arms out and head back
* swaying hips from side to side
* kicking out legs
* thrusting hips in and out
So, essentially, cheerleaders in Texas have been reduced to wearing black from head to toe, shuffling onto the field and, without moving, shouting passages from the Bible. Why does that seem eerily familiar?
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
Zhang Chunqiao, member of China's number one metal band of the 1960s and 1970s Gang of Four, has died of cancer. He was 88.
Gang of Four first gained critical attention with its 1966 single, "Intellectuals Must Be Reeducated In The Countryside to Further The Proletariat Revolution," which reached number three on the Asian charts. But it was really the band's second single, "We Will Cleanse The Country of Bourgeois Remnants Through Aggressive Self-criticism," that cemented their reputation as hardcore headbangers.
Gang of Four followed with a string of number one hits over the next decade whose names are too long to catalogue in this space.
"They were the real deal, man," fan Mao Zedong once wrote. "When I, like, first listened to their thrashing sound, I thought, 'Whoa. Harsh.' But, then, the sweet harmonies were music to my ears, so, like, I figured they were the guys to lead the Cultural Revolution."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
More About Politicians Than You Needed To Know
Towards the end of the British election campaign, Tony Blair boasted that he had sex five times a night. Although his majority was reduced, he did win the election. With an election looming, and not wishing to squander a good opportunity, Canadian politicians are boasting about their sex lives.
Stephen Harper has sex five times a night...in the missionary position...and he doesn't enjoy it.
Jack Layton has sex five times a night, but he makes sure his partner comes first.
Gilles Duceppe has sex five times a night, even though he and his wife sleep in separate beds.
Paul Martin gives his wife a passionate kiss on the cheek and goes directly to sleep.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Some Questions Seem Obvious The Moment They Leave Your Mouth
9pm. CNBC. Terry Schiavo: Martyr to the Cause?
9pm. CNN. Paula Abdul: Idol Killer or Idle Curiosity?
9pm. Fox News. Michael Jackson: Freak or Superfreak?
9pm. PBS. Why Do People No Longer Trust Television News?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
Note To Evelyn Farquart: THEY'RE ON TO YOU! (But You Didn't Hear It From Me)
The National Security Agency, which eavesdrops on electronic communications around the world, was briefly embarrassed this week when it was revealed that it had been routinely fulfilling requests for information from somebody known only as "Guido." The practice came to light when members of the Congressional Intelligence Oversight Committee wondered why transcripts of secretly recorded conversations were left on street corners in plain brown envelops.
Representatives of the NSA refused to comment, but former NSA officials assured the public that the organization was scrupulous about protecting the privacy of American citizens, that it didn't give classified information to just anybody who asked for it. Sources in Washington have confirmed that the FBI has been called in to investigate why the NSA appears to have been giving classified information to just anybody who asked for it.
Then, somebody in the Bush administration said, "Oh, look, over there: National Security," and the potential storm passed.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Love It Or Hate It, Workplace Flogging Is Here To Stay
Studies show that more and more Canadian bosses are resorting to gently whipping their staff members as a motivational tool. The intention is not to draw blood, although this may be a benefit of the new disciplinarianism; it is a recognition that pain, judiciously meted out, is a great workplace motivator.
Is flogging a new management tool?
At the turn of the last century, according to Statistics Canada, the average worker was beaten 3.2 times a week. While current estimates of workplace violence put it at only 1.7 incidents a week, there is obviously historical precedence for the growing use of cats-o-nine-tails in the cubicles and on the shop floors of the nation.
How can employees cope with this new reality? Management consultants agree that taking complaints to the police would be a disastrous career move - nobody wants to hire the man whose testimony put his previous boss behind bars for three to seven years for assault, aggravated assault and assault with a deadly weapon.
Their best advice is that loving what you do will help you feel less victimized. Maybe it all comes down to a Hobbesian choice: working through physical pain and loving it or working through physical pain and not loving it.
Not working through physical pain doesn't seem to be an option any more.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul