The Daily Me - PeŒer KelloÌˆÓ (c)ŒðŠman

Fans are lining up outside of the St. Clair theatre in Toronto weeks in advance of the Canadian premiere of Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith. When it was pointed out to them that that's not where the Canadian premiere will be held - that, in fact, the theatre was torn down years ago, they replied, "Yeah, that's just what they want you to believe."

"They" were unavailable for comment.

SOURCE: aye Weakly

Deadline News was the first all news network to call Pope John Paul II's death. We actually first announced it on air a week before it happened. Then four days before it happened. Then, once again, 16 hours before the old guy finally kicked the bucket. No other 24 hour news network can claim such a record.

Deadline News: First With the News That's News To You

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

Doug Christie, the lawyer for former aboriginal leader David Ahenakew, who is on trial for promoting hatred for published comments that Jews were a "disease" and Adolf Hitler was trying to "clean up the world" when he "fried" six million of them, argued that Ahenakew's statements were the result of combining medication he was taking for diabetes with alcohol. Unfortunately, Ahenakew testified that he stood by his remarks.

Undaunted, Christie insisted, "Well, for all we know, he could still be mixing medicine and alcohol. You know what Indians are like."

Those who live by the stereotype...?

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

Online betting on who will be the next Pope has been suspended due to allegations that the Mafia paid frontrunner Dionigi Tettamanzi to take a dive in the second round of voting. The Vatican denies that the mob has had any involvement in the choice of the next Pope, but could not explain why millions of Euros had mysteriously been bet on Jaime Lucas Ortega y Alamino, a sentimental favourite who had not been considered a serious contender.

"It's a mystery," Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger stated. Well, yes, so much about the Catholic Church is, isn't it?

SOURCE: Unicycle

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

The problem with Democrats is that they're sneaky. Throw enough of them out of Presidential rallies for wearing John Kerry t-shirts or buttons with anti-war slogans and they learn not to go to Presidential rallies wearing John Kerry t-shirts or buttons with anti-war slogans. This makes identifying them all the more difficult.

In order to make the President's appearances in public as pleasant for him as possible (after all, he has more important things than political protestors - like the fate of the free world - to worry about), we have compiled this list of ways you can identify and deal with liberals who are trying to infiltrate Presidential rallies.

1) Go into the parking lot and see if any of the cars have "Alaskan caribou for President" bumper stickers. Make an announcement that the owners of those cars have left their lights on, and, when they identify themselves, be sure to turn their lights off.

2) Make a joke about the New Deal. People who don't laugh are clearly Democrats. Don't make the mistake of trying to deal with them alone - call security.

3) Ask a group of people, "Who wants to go to the midnight vigil for the violent protection of innocent zygotes?" People who don't immediately raise their hands are likely Democrats. Add: "We could probably all fit in my Hummer!" Those who go pale are definitely Democrats.

4) Anybody who has a piercing in a painful place on their body or wears tie-die should be considered a serious Democrat suspect. To confirm this initial suspicion, ask the person if they would have any objection to having the 10 commandments chiseled into the foundation of their children's public school. Anybody who says yes should immediately be isolated from the rest of the crowd - liberalism is contagious!

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut