The Daily Me - [INSERT NAME HERE]

SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine

Recipes from The Halliburton Cook Book:

Roast Beef Hash

Ingredients:

Instructions:

Serves:

Cost: $12 million

Scrambled Eggs and Hash Browns

Ingredients:

Instructions:

Serves:

Cost: $10 million

Sloppy Joes on a Bun

Ingredients:

Instructions:

Serves:

Cost: $22 million

Note: Halliburton is currently considering redeveloping its menu as a diet plan. Forget low carbs - we're talking no carbs! And, no fat! Be sure to consult a doctor, though - the Halliburton Diet Plan may cause death by starvation.

Should any inmates of American-run Iraqi prisons threaten to go on a hunger strike for better conditions, Halliburton will charge them for every meal they do not eat.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

I know it's March, but my New Year's resolution is to stop procrastinating.

SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts

26) What was the press reaction to the federal budget?

Twenty-eight out of 31 editorial boards condemned it for putting too much money into social programmes.

27) What about the other three editorial boards?

Two of them advocated armed insurrection against the ruling Liberal Party, while the other had a collective heart attack and had to be replaced by a row of monkeys at typewriters that wrote a few sentences condemning the government for putting too much money into social programmes in among its first draft of The Two Gentlemen of Verona.

28) So, in other words, just a typical response?

That's right. Damn the liberal media for being so soft!

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

Lawmakers in Sutter, California have now made it mandatory for students to wear radio ID badges. But, of course, the students won't wear anything an adult tells them to. If the lawmakers were serious about getting the students to want radio ID badges, they would have paid Hilary Duff to wear one at a concert.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

Move over, Lex Luthor! Take a hike, Green Goblin! Evil has a new face: the Agglomeration of Age-old Revolutionary Persons (AARP). They are:

Panic Attack: Constantly asks questions that sow confusion and panic in the minds of ordinary, decent, hard-working citizens. Questions like: "What are we doing in Iraq, anyway?" And: "Whaddya mean, old people are being greedy because we want the social security benefits we were promised?" And, even: "Where's my Maalox? Dammit, who keeps moving the Maalox on me?"

The Scribbler: Has nothing better to do with her days than writing letters to the editor of all the newspapers in her city. Makes a virtually unbeatable opponent working in a team with Panic Attack. Woe betide the status quo should The Scribbler ever discover the Internet!

The Kvetcher: His power may not seem like much, but The Kvetcher fought Superman to a standstill with his constant whiny nagging. "What is gay marriage? Why should I care if two people of the same sex want to get married? Are they people I know? Would I like them if I did know them? If I liked them if I did know them, why would I care if they got married? Shouldn't I be happy for them? What? Maybe you know them. Do you know them? No? Then, what do you care if they get married? No, really, I don't understand it at all. Can you please explain it to me? Please? Pleeeeaaaase?"

Lady Payne: Cynthia Payne seems like the average, sedated 87 year-old, but looks can be deceiving. Get too close, and she'll crush your toes with her walker, slam your nose with the can she uses to water her plants and poke you in the chest with her inch long nails until you feel them coming out the other side!

Together, they form the most formidable threat the President's Social Security plan is likely to see. The government will have to use every weapon in its arsenal to stop these veined villains, these sclerotic scoundrels, these blue rinsed baddies. But, will it be enough?

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

Harvard Business School will reject 119 applicants who followed a hacker's instructions and looked into the school's admission Internet site to see if they had been accepted. A day after Harvard made this announcement, all but three of the students had been offered positions at Fortune 500 companies, and two of them were thinking of starting their own businesses.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

Many of our readers have asked us why we have been so harshly critical of former Prime Minister Jean Chretien's trip to Turkmenistan, a notorious abuser of human rights, while ignoring the oil companies whose interests he was there to promote. Fair question. Our answer: we despise Jean Chretien. Hate him. Loath with him a passion that surpasseth all reason. On the other hand, we really like oil companies. Chretien - incarnation of all that is evil about humanity. Oil companies - cute, cuddly little critters.

We hope this is now clear.

SOURCE: The National Whipping Post

LENOMAN: I'd like to be able to make a joke about the Michael Jackson molestation trial, but I've been called as a witness and the judge has said I can't say anything about it. However, I can, apparently, speak in code. Here, to translate, is Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis.

DAY-LEWIS: Hey.

LENOMAN: So, did you hear about the latest fish monger steroid glutens?

DAY-LEWIS: Did you hear the latest about the...about the Michael Jackson trial?

LENOMAN: You know the fishmonger was serious about his hatrack construction...

DAY-LEWIS: You know Michael Jackson is...taking the charges against him very seriously...

LENOMAN: Because he welded an eel to his backpack!

DAY-LEWIS: Because he brought his full nose to court!

LENOMAN: Remember: you didn't hear it from me.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

In a telephone conversation, Paul Martin convinced Bono to bring U2's worldwide Vertigo tour to Ottawa. It's good to know that, when he retires from politics, our Prime Minister, the leader of our country, can look forward to a career as a rock promoter.

SOURCE: aye Weakly

Okay, by now, youse probably heard about dis terrible, terrible ting dey got in Asia, dis tu - su - uhh, big wave of water what killed a bunch a people. Yeah. It was a terrible, terrible ting. So, you got a good heart and you wanna help out da survivors of dis terrible, terrible ting. Eh, what kind of a heartless bastard are youse? Of course you wanna help out da survivors?

Where you gonna send your money? The Canadian International Development Agency? Waddya - mental or something? Only twenny per cent of da money dey get goes ta disaster relief. Da rest - who know? Eighty per cent - dat's a hell of a vig.

You wanna give dat money to me, Tony Squiggleiro, Tony Squiggles. I'll make sure dat tirdy - no, fordy per cent'll go to da survivors to, like, build huts and shit. Maybe get dem some nice focaccio bread ta eat. Whatever dey need. Just send your money ta Tony Squiggles - you can trust me ta do what's right.

SOURCE: Tsunami Relief - Waddya Gonna Do?