The Daily Me – Reinhold Al-Faroukh

Soon to be former Secretary of State Colin Powell helped drop the New Year’s ball on Times Square this year. This was something of a surprise, since most people assumed that he had lost his after four years in the Bush cabinet.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

The Canadian government has finally agreed to give as much as $80 million in emergency aid to countries that were wracked by last week’s tsunami. This is a vast improvement over the first aid package announced by the Martin government – everything the Prime Minister had in his pocket – which amounted to $12.97 and $50 in Canadian Tire money. “We were still better than the Americans,” Prime Minister Martin commented. “Their initial offer was a couple of bottle caps and a wad of chewing gum.” Good to know we have high standards.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

Everybody Loathes Raymond. CBS. The Department of Homeland Security becomes involved when Raymond remarks, “I don’t have a wife, I have an enemy combatant!” Hilarity, and possible long-term stays in undisclosed federal corrections facilities, ensue.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

Dear Ms. Nayman,

I am a big fan of your writing. I think satire has an important place in the world. However, I must – reluctantly, but nonetheless – say that I would prefer food, drinkable water and, if it isn’t too much trouble, a little money for shelter and rebuilding costs.

Thanks for your understanding.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

You know what the worst thing is about the document released by the ACLU that shows that a Presidential Executive Order likely authorized the use of torture? It means that Ted Rall has been right all along. Eeeeuuughaaah!

SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page

A federal appeals court has thrown out a judge’s ruling that gave $88.5 million to Anna Nicole Smith from the estate of her late husband, oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II. Smith was philosophical about the setback. “How old is Bill Gates?” she mused. “Does he have an existing medical condition? You know, maybe a weak heart or something like that? I’ll bet I could get his medical records on the Internet…”

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

You know why there are so many homeless people on our streets? Because bleeding hearts give them a cup of coffee, or a couple of bucks for food, or shelter. That just keeps them alive, especially during the cold winter months when, by right, they should freeze to death. THAT would solve the homeless problem.

They understood this principle in the 19th century. Round up the homeless and throw them in a dark dungeon where they can die out of sight of respectable people who are actually making a positive contribution to society. Good times.

So, next time you see a homeless person on the street, spit in their face. No, wait, the saliva might actually keep them warm. Okay, just keep moving, or, better yet, maybe kick them in soft tissue where it won’t leave a mark. That’s the humane thing to do.

SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. stock has fallen on reports that it was double-shipping wholesale orders at the end of quarters in order to boost sales and earnings, knowing full well that many of the doughnuts would be returned for credit. “Don’t be ridiculous!” an unnamed, but suspiciously thin, Krispy Kreme executive stated, “There’s an obesity epidemic in this country – and we’re entirely to blame! Would Americans be so fat if we weren’t selling every single doughnut we produced? Of course not! We’ve added five pounds to the average American’s weight – doesn’t that mean anything to the stock market? Anything at all?”

Then, she asked if any of the journalists in the room knew if Krispy Kreme could get a tax credit if it shipped several tons of stale doughnuts to Thailand for disaster relief.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

The American Justice Department has released a memo saying that torture isn’t just actions “equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function or even death.” No. Torture is now acknowledged to involve “cruel, inhumane or degrading” actions, including the use of physical pain not necessarily leading to a person’s death, psychological coercion and forced repeated viewings of Christmas With the Kranks.

This comes mere days before Alberto Gonzales, who wrote the book on torture, is to come in front of Congressional hearings to affirm his nomination as US Attorney General. Is the Bush administration concerned that his policy on torture has just been repudiated? Have you ever tried to French kiss a chicken? “Al may be a little slow,” President Bush enthused, “but he gets to justice in the end.”

Indeed. The end is where a lot of Americans are getting their justice these days…

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

Halliburton has finalized a $4.2 billion settlement of thousands of asbestos claims. Actually, the claims were against Halliburton subsidiary KBR (formerly known as Kellogg, Brown & Root). In fact, the claims were made against Dresser Industries, which KBR acquired in 1998. More to the point, the claims were made against Harbison-Walker Refractories Co., which was a subsidiary of Dresser Industries at the time.

Does this give you some idea of why the American government doesn’t have a clue where the money it’s giving Halliburton to help rebuild Iraq is going?

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

The assassination of Ali al-Haidari, the governor of Baghdad province, has put the Iraqi elections scheduled for January 30 in jeopardy. In response, President George W. Bush announced, “I don’t care if a yak is elected president, we’re gonna have us an election!”

SOURCE: The Postington Wash