The Daily Me - Oolong Farlango

In a column last week, I wrote about "Anti-terror Tampons - the most freedom a woman can have when that time of the month attacks." A couple of days later, I got an angry letter from Proctor and Gamble, producers of the Terror-free Tampon line, claiming that I had infringed on their copyright, violated their patents and otherwise hurt their feelings. I tried to explain that satire is often based on exaggeration and/or absurdity, and that I was actually commenting on the lengths American companies in general will go to profit from the climate of fear the government is fostering in the country.

Well, some lawyers just don't get pointed humour. As a result, the offending article has been removed from the Web site. Please stop threatening to sue me.

Rumour is that President Bush's next nominee for Energy Secretary will be a stick of peppermint chewing gum. Why peppermint? "Oh, will the Liberal media ever cease its partisan carping?"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

This is how the Department of Justice fulfills the public's right to know that trials in Canadian courts are fair and just:

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

Prime Minister Paul Martin has accused Conservative Party leader Stephen Harper of showing a lack of leadership on the issue of gay marriage. "He should tell Canadians whether he would use the notwithstanding clause of the Constitution to stop same sex marriages from becoming legal," Martin said, adding: "If the, uhh, Supreme Court says that, like, err, you know, it could be okay."

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

First, the late Sir Lawrence Olivier was digitally resurrected for a part in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Now, the late Marlon Brando will be digitally inserted into a game based on The Godfather book and movie. Some people may find this ghoulish, but I'm all for using computers in this way. It sure beats the old days when you had to dig up a dead actor to get him to play in a movie!

SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine

J. K. Rowling has announced that she has finished writing Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince, the sixth book in her series about the young wizard. The book is reportedly 2,378 pages long. The hardcover will retail for $157, the paperback for a mere $87. Environmental groups are calling the publication of the book, "the worst man-made disaster since the creation of the combustion engine;" they estimate that it will reduce the current forest stands by as much as 23.7 per cent. One Greenpeace representative did allow, however, that once you've read the book, "it would make excellent insulation."

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

According to American Surgeon-General Richard Carmona, importing drugs from Canada would be wrong because, among other reasons, they could be bogus, dangerous and unregulated. Ironically, that would still make them safer than real American drugs that have been approved by the FDA.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

good (adj.): being positive or desirable in nature; of high quality; worthy of respect

decent (adj.): characterized by conformity to recognized standards or propriety and morality; morally upright

caring (adj.): feeling and exhibiting empathy and concern for others

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page

Green Day's American Idiot album has gone triple platinum, meaning it has sold over 300,000 units - roughly one for every 120 Canadians. The usual suspects have moaned that this is more evidence of Canadian knee-jerk anti-Americanism. (The usual suspects always moan - they should get a doctor to look at that; it could be a sign of a throat infection.) They probably would have said the same thing about Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth" or Ten Years After's "I'd Love To Change The World" - if they hadn't been dancing their asses off at the time.

SOURCE: aye Weakly

The latest test of George W. Bush's missile defense system was deemed a complete failure when the interceptor missile did not launch. Pentagon psychiatrists were immediately rushed to the scene, and now believe that the interceptor missile was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. "You know," Dr. Oolong Billabong explained, "the nights get longer and there's more darkness to contend with, and, well, it's only natural for a component of a missile defense system to want to cocoon in its silo until the spring."

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian