Thank you, Slave2DaWindows2001, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. <-!- Hey, Edwina, are we on for dinner? I know this great Thai place. --> Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. <-- Ted! I've told you before that I would rather eat my eyeliner than go out with you! We're only on in the sense that you're going to go to the restaurant and I'm not. Get it? -
Enjoy,You Heard It Here First...And Second...
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
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The Freedom To Choose Never Had A Better Advocate
Up2Me.ca is a Web site committed to restoring common sense, balance and civility to the way Canada's adult heroin addicts are treated by their federal, provincial and municipal politicians.
Research shows Canada's adult heroin addicts are tired of feeling powerless and voiceless as they are hit time and again with increasing taxes, more severe restrictions, and social stigmatization.
You are about to enter a unique site dedicated to restoring fairness and civility to the way the country's five million adult heroin addicts are treated by their governments and others.
Up2Me.ca - a non-profit organization funded by the Sleazy Corner Drug Dealers Coalition - is a membership-driven association. It is designed to allow Canada's adult heroin addicts and others who believe in fair and balanced policy making to use their strength in numbers to have their say and ensure the policy makers pay attention.
SOURCE: Up2Me.ca
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You Can't Argue With Logic Like That
Antony Flew, one of Britain's most prominent atheists has declared, after 50 years, that some sort of intelligence - known colloquially as god - must have created the universe. His argument can be illustrated thus:
SOURCE: Unicycle
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Q: Will Discovery Communication International's The Military Channel finally show the violence in Iraq that has been so conspicuously absent from American television networks?
A: What? Are you on crack?
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
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Kooooooofi...Kooooooofi...Ko-o-o-o-o-o-ofi
97 x 10-137) During the period of economic sanctions against Iraq, the United Nations had a humanitarian programme by which Saddam Hussein could sell oil to buy food for his people. Instead, he used billions of dollars from it to build palaces and foreign bank accounts. Republicans in the American senate are calling on UN Secretary General Kofi Annan to resign over this scandal, even though the oil for food programme was administered by the UN Security Council, and one of the countries that looked the other way even though it knew Hussein was looting the programme was, in fact, the United States. Have Republicans no shame?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
That Would Explain The Erratic Leadership Style
Prime Minister Paul Martin wants written assurance that the United States will not put weapons in space before he agrees to allow Canada to join the missile defence programme.
What? Mister Prime Minister, are you on crack?
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
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Chill, Dude, Said The Saudi Minister
A recently released tape from Osama bin Laden accused the Saudi royal family of not being sufficiently Islamic because of its cooperation with the American government. The American Department of Homeland Security immediately raised the terror alert status in the country to "Holy shit."
The Saudis were a little more sanguine about the tape. "Oh, that Osama," Sheik Omar al Achbar commented, "he's always going on about this stuff. At parties, you would ask him, 'Would you please pass the onion dip?' and he would answer, 'We must wage war against the Infidels defiling our sacred places!' 'But, I just want the onion dip.' 'DEATH TO THE AMERICAN OCCUPIERS!' 'I'll get it myself...'
"Can you blame his family for not wanting him around?"
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
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The Bush administration has appointed Dr. W. David Hager as head of the FDA's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Dr. Hager believes that PMS should be combated with prayer and bible study. The following excerpt from a transcript of one of his medical sessions indicates how effect this treatment is:
PATIENT: Can you help me, Doctor?
DR. HAGER: Absolutely. I suggest Genesis 2:14.
PATIENT: I...I was hoping for some Midol.
DR. HAGER: I believe in replacing Midol with the Bible.
PATIENT: That's, uhh, clever, Doctor, but - aaah! - I'm in pain, here! I really could use the - aar! - Midol.
DR. HAGER: Maybe you should get on your knees and pray with me.
PATIENT: You [EXPLETIVE DELETED] quack! Give me the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] medicine before I rip your [SEVERAL EXPLETIVES DELETED] lungs out!
DR. HAGER: Ah. I'll, uhh, pray for you, my child.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
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The organizers of Montreal's World Film Festival are suing Telefilm Canada to stop it from funding a rival film festival. Hmm...heroes...villains...epic conflict - if only the Canadian films the Festival screened were this good!
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
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Barely a week after the Kerik nomination had to be withdrawn, British Home Secretary David Blunkett has had to resign over allegations that he pushed through a visa for his former lover's nanny. In response, the Reverend Francesco Agonistes, head of the powerful far-right Christian Coalition For Family Supremacy stated, "Y'see, now, this would never be possible if women just stayed at home and took care of their young'uns. No nannies, no scandals." No progress, no justice for women?
Let's not, in this holiday season, allow ourselves to get too negative. Despite recently winning the British prize for bad sex in fiction, Tom Wolfe's latest novel, I Am Charlotte Simmons, has been selling briskly in the United States. Why? The Bush administration has bought 100,000 copies to use in abstinence-only sex education courses. "If children still want to have sex after reading this book," Reverend Agonistes, who heads the President's Leave No Child's Behind Unpaddled programme, stated, "no power in heaven or on earth will stop 'em!"
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
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