Thank you, Elrod Bejeebers, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past.
Enjoy,No, really, that's it. No fancy excuses for abandoning the system and doing what we want. The system works, so just sit back and enjoy its fruits.
Sincerely,You're a tough audience, you know that? Okay...uhh...the dog ate...no...err...space aliens crashed into...oh, look, do you really give a crap about how we compiled this? Be honest - don't you just go straight to the articles without even reading this introduction? Of course you do! You're probably not even reading this now, so
You Know...Words - They're Such Ephemeral Things, Really
"The reelection of George W. Bush as President was a result of voters who were primarily concerned with values."
Values, noun: Principles, standards, or qualities considered worthwhile or desirable. EXAMPLES: homophobia, ignorance of world affairs, anti-science.
"The Republicans really showed the liberal elite in this country!"
Elite, noun: A group or class of persons or a member of such a group or class, enjoying superior intellectual, social, or economic status. EXAMPLE: the 55 million American citizens who voted against George W. Bush.
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
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Should This Angle Have Gotten More Play?
How do we know that Wednesday's American assault on the Iraqi terrorist stronghold of Fallujah had been planned long in advance? On Tuesday, the army released the video game.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
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Be Afraid...Be Very Afraid (We'll Let You Know Of What Later...)
Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned yesterday, stating that, "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." The White House immediately issued a press release stating, "No it hasn't! We're not safe! Terror is still out there! FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, PULL DOWN YOUR BLINDS BEFORE YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU SHOULDN'T!"
In a related story, the White House denied rumours that forcing Guantanamo Bay prisoners to listen to 36 straight hours of Ashcroft singing constituted cruelty as defined by the Geneva Convention. On the other hand, nobody has actually seen Ashcroft since his retirement...
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
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On the subject of opening the American border to Canadian beef, Ontario Premier Daulton McGuinty said, "There's light at the end of the tunnel, it's just not moving at the speed of light." This sent particle physics researchers at the University of Toronto into a scientific tizzy. "If light can travel at less than the speed of light," researcher Gottfreid Kilbassa commented, "our whole concept of space-time is [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!" When it was pointed out to Kilbassa that, by definition, the speed of light is the speed at which light travels, he fainted.
Now, as a scientific experiment, somebody should try pointing this out to the Premier.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
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The siege of the Iraqi city of Fallujah continues. At least 600 Iraqi insurgents have died in the battle. "We know they were insurgents," a source within the American military stated, "because they had big red letter Is stamped onto their foreheads." Hard as it may be to believe, this is actually progress. "We know they are insurgents," a different source within the same military stated yesterday, "because why the hell else would they still be in Fallujah if they weren't?"
He had obviously forgotten that men between the ages of 15 and 80 weren't allowed to leave the city. Understandable. Small details like that can easily slip your mind when you're fighting a war and stuff.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
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PUCK OFF
The NHL team owners are about as useful as a plate of broccoli. And, not the crisp broccoli, or broccoli in a yummy cheese sauce, either. We're talking oversteamed, mushy broccoli. Okay, oversteamed, mushy broccoli that's a millionaire several times over, but, well, rich broccoli isn't as useful as you might think.
Not that the players are any better. Getting a million dollars for knocking people down and hitting them with sticks - most of us know people in alleys who would do that for a fraction of the cost. Granted, most of them would prefer not to have an audience, but let's not lose sight of the point: hockey players are blessed to be given outrageous sums of money for doing something they enjoy.
Radio stations in Toronto are sick of the greed wafting out of the boardrooms and the locker rooms of the league, so we've developed a petition to tell both sides to either get their act together or PUCK OFF. If you want hockey back, simply sign your name to this petition telling the players and team owners that if they don't salvage this year's hockey season, we'll replace them with a national air hockey tournament.
If we band together, we can overcome. (But, not in a Communist way.)
_________________SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
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Your Last Chance To Use "Yasser, That's My Baby" Jokes
CBS has apologized to viewers for preempting the last five minutes of an episode of CSI: Pawtucket with the news that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat had died. "We thought we had an obligation to inform the public," a CBS release stated, "but, in fact, as many of our viewers reminded us, our main purpose is to anesthetize them with escapist drivel. Heads will roll - watch for that episode early next year."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
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The first Perverse Willfully Offensive Borderline Misogynist Art House Porn Film Festival has come to Toronto: two Catherine Breillat movies opened on the same day.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
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