The Daily Me - Lucianna Schmidt

Thank you, Lucianna Schmidt, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, somebody poked us in our third eye with a sharp virtual stick and, spiritually blind but still game, we threw this together as best we could.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me staff

Taking Life Sucks

Costa Rica has asked to be removed from lists of the "Coalition of the Willing" waging war in Iraq. The United States has responded by saying that it is studying the idea of setting up a registry for countries that want their names off the list...but that the study won't be complete for several years. "Well, that's a pisser," a high Costa Rican official, who didn't want to be named because of his crudity, commented.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Excuses R Us

More and more corporations are undergoing investigation by federal regulatory bodies, crusading District Attorneys and, for all we know, your mother's dead uncle. Of course, you aren't used to being publicly scrutinized, and, in your confusion and rage, may well answer with nonsense, or, worse, blank verse. As a public service, we offer the following excuses guaranteed to get you in Dutch with federal regulatory bodies (although they might not get past your dead uncle's mother).

9. "The dog ate the accounts receivable!"
8. "Oh, you meant that disclosure agreement!"
7. "We got a little carried away with Casual Friday..."
6. "Sorry, no speakee Anglaise!"
5. "Three words: sales started it!"
4. "The entire accounting department is home sick with the flu."
3. "The final accounting was due when?"
2. "Executive stock options? What executive stock options?
1. "I'd love to give you the information you need, but my computer's down!"

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

Our Aim Is Improving Relations With Canada...

So, 40 per cent of Canadian school children believe that the United States is the greatest threat to world peace? I suppose they prefer a monster like Saddam...Castro lovers! Don't they know that we're invading other countries to create world peace? I mean, Jeeeezus, have they ever met any Americans? If they just talked to one of us for a little while, THOSE INCREDIBLY STUPID, VISCIOUSLY IGNORANT PEONS WOULD KNOW THAT AMERICANS OVERFLOW WITH LOVE FOR ALL HUMANITY!

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor

Smells Like...Something For The Remainder Bin

Pompous. Arrogant. Needs a hair stylist in the worst way. Who wouldn't want a part of -

"You wanna piece of me? You serious? YOU? Wanna piece of me? ... Get it at better mass merchandising retail outlets everywhere."

Donald Trump, The Fragrance. Smells like success. (In case of bankruptcy, hotel-shaped bottles may be repossessed.)

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

Like Words That Almost Make Sense

Your Morning Simile: Like a patient etherized on a table, I listened to the first minister's conference on health care.

SOURCE: The Glob and Maul

Three Cheers For A Free Press

28) How has the Liberal media responded to Dan Rather's admission that CBS should have done more to assure the veracity of their information on George Bush's military record before airing it? a) "It's the end of the Liberal media establishment," crowed The Wall Street Journal
b) "It's the end of the Liberal media establishment," crowed Fox News
c) "It's the end of the Liberal media establishment," crowed Tats Monthly

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

Suburban Profiling: Men In White Are Medical Personnel

"I was just walking down the street, going to the store, you know, minding my own business, when these men jumped out of this truck and...and...did a sonogram on me!"

Margaret Loess-Lieder was the victim of a new and unsettling kind of crime: drive by medical diagnostic tests. What sort of fiends would subject unsuspecting passersby to MRIs, X-rays and, yes, sonograms? And, what is the government going to do about it?

"I didn't even have an appointment!"

Friday, on The Irrational.

SOURCE: The Irrational

Peace Train's Comi - URK!

Yusuf Islam, formerly known as Cat Stevens, was denied entry into the United States. Officials weren't worried that he was connected to terrorism - they just didn't want Americans to be subjected to him singing children's songs.

At about the same time, the Federal Communications Commission fined CBS $550,000 for violating indecency rules by airing Janet Jackson's bare breast during the Superbowl. Somewhere, an Ayatollah went to sleep with a smile on his face.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

Makes Lousy Omelets

Marsupials do not produce a shelled egg. The egg, which is poorly supplied with yolk, is retained for a time within the reproductive tract of the mother. The embryo penetrates the wall of the uterus. The yolk sac provides a rudimentary connection to the mother's blood supply from which it receives food, oxygen, and other essentials. However, this interface between the tissues of the uterus and the extraembryonic membranes never becomes elaborately developed, and the young are born in a very immature state.

SOURCE: Kimball's Biology Pages

...And The Rest Of The World

Oh, what? Somebody took a poll and found that only 20 per cent of people around the world would vote for President Bush in the upcoming election, while...more would vote for...the other guy? That just proves that ignorance is international. I mean, how would the 75 per cent of Norwegian voters who would vote for Kerry like it if I told them to vote for...their, umm...what the hell do they have there? A president? A prime minister? A bowl of rice with chocolate covered ants? Who the hell cares? And, what about the Germans? Seventy-four per cent would vote for Kerry? We should conquer them again just so we can install a new President there.

Ignorant scum.

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor