Thank you, Tom "Gravedigger" Jones, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then...well, we could spin some improbable story of heroic rescues and sperm whale donors, but because we've already established ourselves as unreliable narrators, you'd be better off not believing a word we say.
Enjoy,There's Always 50 Foot Dumpster Diving
"It could have happened to anybody."
That was what a morose but upbeat Mark Stanfield said after his partner in the Synchronized Darts competition at the Athens Olympics, Frank Ladouceur, sneezed on their first throw. The Canadian team never recovered, finishing a distant seventh.
"Bloody pollen!" Ladouceur commented, slamming his locker shut.
While this was disappointing to the Canadians in Athens who were rooting for the pair, they will have a lot to cheer about this afternoon when Angela Carthigenian competes in the finals of the Women's Freestyle Hat Blocking event.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
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So, you live in Canada, and you probably think it's a pretty okay country. I mean, you aren't exactly overwhelmed by the place, but, hey, it's not Sudan or anything.
Thing is, you likely hate Canada and yourself for being Canadian and don't even know it. Don't believe it? Consider your main source for news. Simply find it on the following chart, which correlates the news outlet with its editorial stance on Canada and the United States.
| media outlet | position on Canada | position on the US |
|---|---|---|
| National Post | Canada actively collaborates with evil | The sun shines out of the asshole of the United States, which can do no wrong |
| Sun newspapers | Canada passively collaborates with evil | The US is big and tough and even when it's wrong (which it never is) it's right |
| Baton Broadcasting | Canadians are fearful wimps who run to mommy government when the going gets tough | The US is a mature nation that is remaking the world with a bold vision |
| MOJO Radio | Canadians are needy whiners who don't value or deserve the good things they've got | Americans are self-sufficient go-getters who deserve their wealth and power |
| Globe and Mail | Canadians are smug and self-righteous, without having much reason to be either | Americans may make mistakes, but they are on the cutting edge of much that is good in the world |
| Toronto Star | Canada is basically a good country that needs to grow up a little | The United States is basically a good country that needs to grow up a little |
Don't find an accurate reflection of your opinions here? Maybe you should start your own media outlet...
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
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The Definition of Mixed Emotions
American Secretary of State Colin Powell cancelled a trip to Greece at the last minute because of planned protests against his presence. "It's gratifying that he heard us," said protest organizer Anton Popadopolous, "but now what are we supposed to do with all of these 'Powell Go Home' signs?"
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
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Put Your Life On The Line For The Only Thing That Matters
Big time opportunity for big time operators! Seventy-five immediate openings for security professionals in fast growing private armies in Iraq. Duties include: guarding corrupt local politicians, religious leaders and oil sheiks and securing gasoline pipelines. Firefights inevitable - beheading a definite possibility. Pay commensurate with experience. Former military or police ideal - no Soldier of Fortune wannabes, please! Contact Jerlow & Associates for more information.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
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Probably Be More Interesting To Watch, Too
Quebecor has bought the Toronto 1 television station from CHUM Ltd. for $46 million. "It was either buy the station," explained Pierre-Carl Carl-Pierre Peladeau, a distant cousin of the family that runs Quebecor, "or put the money into a safe, tie it up with cinder blocks and throw it into the Rideau Canal. Frankly, we expected a better return on investment from the cinder block option, but we have a sentimental attachment to media properties, so, what the hell? We went for it."
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
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The Polish government has complained about CTV News referring to Nazi death camps in Poland as "Polish camps." And, rightly so. Everybody knows that when the Germans occupied Poland, all of its citizens disguised themselves as geese and fled to Switzerland to avoid being complicit with the extermination of Jews and other undesirables.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
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DO Bogart That Joint, My Friend
Police in British Columbia are enforcing the little known "pass the dutchie" law, which carries a three month jail sentence for anybody who hands a joint to another person. Just one more reason for paranoid tokers to horde their stash!
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors
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The Boy Inside The...Older Boy
Advertisements by a group calling itself "Drunken Frat Boys For Truth" accuse President George W. Bush of not being honest about his Vietnam War record. In one advertisement, the group disputes the claim that the President downed a dozen beer in a half hour drinking binge while he was supposed to be on an army base. The other claims that his inability to provide records of where he was at the time he was supposed to be serving are a smoke-screen indicating embarrassment over his youthful indiscretions, a disservice to his frat boy past and frat boys everywhere.
"These are vile and baseless ads," the President responded. "I definitely chugged those dozen beers, and nobody is more proud of his frat boy past than...what? No, let me finish! Those guys, the guys in the ad, they weren't even in the same room as me when I - what? WHAT?"
Members of the John Kerry campaign have denied that they had anything to do with the advertisements, but admitted privately that they got many giggles out of them nonetheless.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
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