The Daily Me - "Coffin" Ed Mirvisch

Edvard Munch's masterpiece "The Scream" was stolen out of the Munch Museum in Oslo last week. The theft wasn't noticed for several days because the thieves had replaced the painting with a still of Macaulay Culkin from the film Home Alone; it wasn't until a patron asked, "Does the painting usually have a three speed blender in the background, because I don't see that in the catalogue," that the theft was discovered.

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

People have been asking what John Kerry's current position on the Iraq war is. I think this can best be summed up visually:

SOURCE: Politics for Dummies

Frank Ladouceur and Mark Stanfield have a point to make, but it took them a lot of years to be able to make it.

"Mark has a hitch in his shoulder that throws off his timing a fraction of a second," Ladouceur comments.

"Oh, take off, eh!" Stanfield counters. "Frank has a dot on the side of his left eye that he got from an encounter with a rabid zucchini - it puts his aim a fraction of a millimetre off!"

Ladouceur and Stanfield are Canada's hopefuls for Olympic gold in a relatively new event: Synchronized Lawn Darts. "People don't usually think of synchronized lawn darts as an Olympic sport," Stanfield admitted, "but we've been training since we were three."

"Well, we started tossing lawn darts at each other when we were three," Ladouceur corrects his partner. "We didn't actually start training until six months ago."

With the elimination of Irma Frankel and Chuck Aparaho from the Mixed Pairs Elephant Jumping semi-finals, Ladouceur and Stanfield are Canada's best hope of another Olympic medal.

SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report

The Canadian mutual fund industry has unveiled guidelines to combat abuses in short-term trading and market timing. These include:

• losing a finger for a first offence.

• losing a limb for a second offence.

• being forced to live in Wetaskawin for an offence involving more than $10 million.

"The punishments may seem harsh, but we believe they're fair," said Tom Inhock, president of the Canadian Mutual Investment Institute. "And, anyway, they're completely voluntary, so only a moron would actually suffer them, and those are exactly the kind of people we don't need selling mutual funds!"

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

Former Partis Quebecois leader Jacques Parizeau said that the PQ should abandon its policy of seeking sovereignty after a referendum and assume that a vote for the Party is a vote for sovereignty. Should this keep the PQ from power, the next step would be for the PQ to declare sovereignty if it won any seats in the province, any seats at all. Failing this, the PQ would declare sovereignty from the Quebec people, which, come to think of it, wouldn't be such a bad outcome.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

Genre: Comedy/Tragedy

Tagline: It was the Delta Forces against the rules...the rules lost!

Plot Outline: Poor pay, living conditions and supervision lead a group of high-spirited military volunteers into a series of hijinks involving captured prisoners in an unforgiving foreign land. Try as they might, their exasperated superiors can't put a lid on the fun!

User Comments: Tasteless humor at its finest.

Written by: unnamed civilian contractors

Produced by: George W. Bush

Directed by: Donald Rumsfeld

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database

While it is true that I was not in favour of the war on Iraq, I must admit that I didn't go far enough in my denunciations of it. For example, when I said that the Pentagon's main promoters of the war were "heartless greedheads intent on plunder," I could have stated that they were "heartless, bloodthirsty greedheads intent on plunder," but I didn't. Any reasonable journalist could have found this information; I just didn't dig deeply enough.

To use another example, I once described the main argument for going to war - Iraq's ownership of weapons of mass destruction - as "complete bullshit." If I had taken the time to do more research, which, as a responsible journalist, I should have done, I could have reported that the argument was "complete and utter bullshit."

I don't know why I wasn't more thorough - I can only assume it was a total brain meltdown. Having said that, I feel certain that you will continue to read Les Pages aux Folles with complete trust in the information you find here.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

Position Wanted

Soon to be former federal Member of Parliament seeks employment in the media. Is well known for remarks such as "Damn Americans, I hate those bastards," and "We are not joining the coalition of idiots." Radio talk show host position - morning drive time - ideal. Call Mississauga Liberal Party and ask for Carolyn.

SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed

Speaking with DNN's Wolf Blitzedout, Senator Bob Dole stated about John Kerry's war Vietnam record: "Three purple hearts and he never bled that I know of. I don't mean some sissy little scrape, either. I mean losing two pints - no, three pints of blood, I mean, I mean, have you ever seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? The black knight? Yeah - you know the scene I'm talking 'bout. If you don't pass out from the pain - maybe have to be on morphine for a few weeks...mmm...morphine..."

Somebody's obviously been taking a little too much Viagra lately.

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

In an editorial last week, we wrote that we agreed entirely with Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty when he argued that "government cannot be everything to all people. We can help in emergencies, but, ultimately, everybody has to learn to be self-sufficient, to take care of themselves." We thought he was talking about people on Welfare. Actually, he was responding to provincial hydro utilities' demands for compensation for lost revenue if they encourage Ontarians to conserve energy.

We regret the error. Totally. Shamelessly. Without reservation.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul