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What's all this I hear about Jennifer Lopez marrying Marc Antony? Why would she have to go back 3,000 years in time to find a husband? Has she already married every eligible guy in the present? I mean, really! If you've got a time machine, why don't you do something useful with it, like find a cure for daytime game shows? Or, at least, find a better mate, like Casanova or...or...what? WHAT? Marc Anthony? Anthony? (pause) Oh. (pause) Never mind.
SOURCE: The Emily Litella Remembered Page
New York - Where Orgasms Are Just Fancy Mixed Drinks
Platonic Relationships and the City. Carrie Bradshaw, a famous New York celibacy columnist, and her three friends - all of whom have sworn off sex - drink, shop and are platonic all over the place. The cleaned up for prime time version of Sex and the City. NOTE: each half hour time slot actually contains three episodes.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
In a landmark case, a class action suit by the people of the United States of America has succeeded against the American Bar Association. The suit claimed that lawyers were the only people who made any appreciable money out of class action suits. Lawyers for the law firm of Biggar Buggar and Smithsonian, representing the complainants, stand to make about $10 billion each, while every citizen of the US should get about three cents. An exultant Geronimo Eiganvalue, the person who initiated the suit, roared, "This oughta show those greedy lawyers that they shouldn't - wait a minute! How much did you say our lawyers are making?"
SOURCE: Business Law Daily
Iraq's interim leaders have declared that they would welcome militant Shia cleric Muqtada al-Sadr into politics, that they will not allow Saddam Hussein's former Baghdad palaces to be used by the United States as an embassy complex and that they want Washington to hand over Hussein to face trial before the June 30 transition to self-government. In response, President George W. Bush swatted something from his ear and said, "Did you hear a strange buzzing sound? I could have swore I heard this low, buzzing sound..."
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Editorial responses to the federal leadership candidates' debate:
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
The Chicago Sun-Times - a Hollinger newspaper - has been accused of inflating circulation figures by more than 10 per cent. Roger Ebert gave the policy a marginal thumbs up, saying that while he found the scandal abhorrent, the way the newspaper counted unsold copies as sold was highly creative. Richard Roeper, on the other hand, gave the scandal a huge thumbs down, saying it was an artless embarrassment that sullied the reputation of an otherwise fine institution. In the end, though, it probably doesn't matter - it's well known that newspaper finances are not influenced by reviews...
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Issues Like Who Looks Better on TV in a Turtleneck
And, they're off. Martin jumps out to an early lead, followed by Harper, Duceppe and Layton in the back of the pack. It's Martin with Harper closing in fast on the inside. Martin...Harper...Martin...Harper. Harper is riding hard and - Harper takes the lead! It's Harper, followed by Martin with Duceppe a distant third and Layton bringing up the rear! Man, Harper and Martin are neck and neck, jockeying for position. It's anybody's race! Aah - ahem - actually, I mean, this is an election dominated by issues of vital importance to Canadians.
SOURCE: The Irrational
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Eric Head, who ran a spam mill from the family home in Kitchener, has agreed to pay Yahoo Inc. a fine and stop sending unwanted emails. Eric Head, who ran a spam mill from the family home in Kitchener, has agreed to pay Yahoo Inc. a fine and stop sending unwanted emails. Eric Head, who ran a spam mill from the family home in Kitchener, has agreed to pay Yahoo Inc. a fine and stop sending unwanted emails. Eric Head, who ran a spam mill from the family home in Kitchener, has agreed to pay Yahoo Inc. a fine and stop sending unwanted emails. Eric Head, who ran a spam mill from the family home in Kitchener, has agreed to pay Yahoo Inc. a fine and stop sending unwanted emails. Eric Head, who ran a spam mill from the family home in Kitchener, has agreed to...
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
The World Bank said yesterday that it probably "oversold" the idea of privatizing publicly owned infrastructure to third world countries. "I still believe privatization can clear clogged drains," World Bank spokesman Giovanni Peppitoni said in a press release, "but it does not appear to heal broken hearts or bring dead birds back to life. My apologies to all those people who were doomed to live in poverty and die unnecessarily premature deaths because of our policy."
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
The "I Was Young and Stupid So Protect Me" Legal Doctrine Upheld
Rap singer Eminem won an initial legal battle against The Source, which published the lyrics of a song ascribed to him which disparages black women. Eminem has not denied writing the lyrics, arguing, instead, that he was younger and didn't know what he was doing. Judge Gerald Lynch, in ruling for the rapper, said that, "Like other white musicians who have been successful in musical genres or forms pioneered by Africans or African-Americans, from Benny Goodman to Elvis Presley to Paul Simon, Mathers has been accused of exploiting black culture; he in turn has asserted his respect for his black role models and peers, and has maintained that he comes by his hip-hop success honestly..." Funny, but I don't remember Presley singing about lynching blacks or Simon writing a song praising Apartheid. Maybe the judge should have paid more attention in musical history and appreciation classes at law school. In a related story, Sylvester Stallone intends to sue to block the further release of The Italian Stallion and Pauly Shore plans to stop the distribution of...pretty much everything he's ever done.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
In an article last week, we wrote that a poll of Phil's Burgers indicated that 90 per cent of Phil's customers would vote Conservative in the upcoming election, compared to only 3 per cent who planned on voting Liberal. What we didn't know was that Phil was basing this by comparing sales of his Supreme Deluxe Burger with Cheese, which represented the Conservatives, and his Anthrax Burger with Extra Phlegm, which represented the Liberals. We now believe that his method of calculating the winner of the upcoming election was flawed. We apologize to any of our readers who may have been swayed by our report.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post