Thank you, Akhenaton Feldspar, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we rejoiced that the red tsunami had at first been downgraded by political meteorologists to a red wave. Then, the red wave waved goodbye and was further reduced to a red trickle. The sort of red trickle you could get from a paper cut. The sort of red trickle you would get if your editing pen leaked. The sort of red trickle women regularly experience that we could talk about openly if we weren't such a repressed society. We were tickled by the trickle.
Then, we realized that sack of ambition that walked like a man Kevin McCarthy was still set to become Speaker of the House, and the laughter died in our throats.
Enjoy,
So, Senator Tommy Tuberville is arguing that...black people who were brought to American against their will are the real criminals in the country's history? Or maybe, that Democratic politicians want to pick your pocket to fund black criminal gangs? Or possibly even that if you get hit in the head with one too many flying footballs, you lose your ability to fractuate expository arggle barggle glubglums!
In the Basket of Deplorables, it is sometimes necessary to hire a deplorablese to English translator.
Those of you who were watching the mid-term elections (you have my sympathies) may have noticed an increase in Republican rhetoric accusing the Democrats of being soft on crime. How do they square this with the fact that the 10 most crime-ridden states in the country are firmly Republican? With the classic argument (I believe first propounded by Plato): "No it isn't! Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! I have my fingers in my ears so I can't hear you!"
Tuberville was early to this game, and he scored some points for racial dog whistling, although he lost points big time for incoherence. Next time he's in the Republican locker room, he might want to let somebody else outline the play on the chalkboard for him.
SOURCE:
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Saudi Arabia Wins American Election
Sending the price of oil soaring two weeks before the US election by cutting production was intended by Saudi Arabia to undermine Democrats' election chances.
"Donald Trump is a friend of mine," stated Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. "He doesn't have strange ideas about finding alternatives to oil, and he never frets the death of a pesky journalist by spontaneous dismemberment. Of course I will help him in any way that I can."
Expect the bill to come due in 2024.
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2022Nov09.html]
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Russia Wins American Election
"Gentlemen, we have interfered, are interfering, and will interfere. Carefully, precisely, surgically and in our own way, as we know how to do," said Yevgeny Prigozhin, whose catering of the Kremlin's retirement parties has made him a close ally of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Expect the bill to come due in 2024. But the indigestion has already started.
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744355]
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INT. SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
DAD is sitting in a comfortable chair, reading a newspaper. SON huffily bursts into the room.
SON: Daaaaaaaad!
DAD: Yeeeesss?
SON: You have to raise my allowance!
DAD: Mmm hmm. And why is that?
SON: The province's medical system is in crisis!
DAD: Now, son, I know that, at your age, everything seems like a crisis, but -
SON: This is serious, dad! If things keep going the way they have been, the entire system could collapse!
With a sigh, Dad sets aside the newspaper and looks at Son.
DAD: How much money do you think you need, Son?
SON: Umm...$28 billion. Yeah. $28 billion That should do it.
DAD: Mmm hmm. And what do you propose to spend this money on?
SON: (mumbling) Oh, you know, hospitals and equipment and doctors and stuff - but no nurses! I...I had a bad experience with a nurse once...
DAD: Tell you what. You put together a proposal outlining exactly how you are planning to spend that money, and if it is accepted by Finance Minister Mom, then I will raise your allowance.
SON: You want me to...write a budget?
DAD: Remember the last time you asked me to raise your allowance to help pay for health care? You spent the money I gave you on a tax cutting spree and a new guitar. Nobody wants a repeat of that.
SON: (moans) Arrrrgh! So unfair!
Son storms out.
DAD: (to himself) How slowly they grow up...
Dad picks up the newspaper and goes back to reading it.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Heavy Is The Head That Gets Hit By The Gavel
For his first act after becoming Speaker of the House of Representatives, Kevin McCarthy announced there would be an investigation of President Biden's son Hunter. Reaction was as swift as it was negative.
"What, Hunter? Are you a complete moron?" said Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene. "You should be investigating the President. President Biden! For his complicity with the Jews who ran the space lasers that gave Americans COVID! Come on, Kevin! Use that brain that god gave you to go after the real criminal, here!"
"Well, actually -" McCarthy started to...probably defend himself. He didn't get very far before he was interrupted by Representative Paul Gosar.
"Screw investigations!" Gosar roared. "McCarthy could hold a vote this minute on decertifying the 2020 election results and declaring Donald Trump the winner! This minute! What kind of coward doesn't immediately rise up to defend his country's most sacred institution? McCarthy needs to grow a pair or step aside for somebody who already has them!"
"It's not as ea -" McCarthy began, but was once again cut off.
"We were promised a national abortion ban," Representative Matt Gaetz complained. "You can investigate the President any time - you have to start your reign by keeping your campaign promises. Really - that's politics 101. Who the hell does Kevin McCarthy think he is to flout the will of his base like this? If we don't get an immediate abortion ban bill, he better watch his back!"
To which McCarthy sheepishly responded: "Why did I want this job, again?"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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