Thank you, Ingenue Deliquescence, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were happy we didn't live in Russia, where saying Joseph Stalin was several pine cones short of a bushel (as one will) could earn us a prison sentence. And, we were really happy we didn't live in Florida, where talking about how much we would love to live in gay Paree to grade schoolers (as one, possibly the same one, possibly another one, but definitely a singular, will) could earn us a prison sentence. But either would be preferable to living in Ottawa, which feels like a prison sentence no matter what we say!
Enjoy,I Don't Know About My Children, But These Questions Sure Depress The Shit Out Of Me!
PROBLEM 137
Andrew has fifty-seven pieces of chicken. Lashonda has no pieces of chicken. How many pieces of chicken must Andrew give to Lashonda in reparations for his ancestors bringing her ancestors to America in slave ships and forcing them to work on brutal and dehumanizing plantations?
PROBLEM 237
Jane boards a train In New York that is going to New Orleans, a distance of 1,304 miles. The train will run at an average speed of 57 miles per hour. How long will it take Jane to outrun the guilt of her ancestors' complicity with Jim Crow laws?
PROBLEM 537
Johnny is giving a party for his African-American friends. He wants to cut a chocolate cake into enough pieces so that each of his friends has one piece of cake, he has two pieces of cake and there are three pieces left over. If Johnny has no African-American friends because his parents believe that all black people are lazy bastards sucking tax dollars from hard-working white Americans to pay for their crack habits, how many pieces should he cut the cake into?
- excerpt from Two Plus Two Equals Whatever I Say It Is, Honkey Motherferker!, a math textbook for grade three students that was recently banned in Florida for containing Critical Race Theory.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962cahs01.html]
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The Proper Level Of Invective Is Clearly A Sauron Spot For Russian Media
In a broadcast last week, Kira Sazonova of the Russian Presidential Academy of National Economy and Public Administration claimed that "Ukraine is Gollum." She was, of course, referencing the character in Lord of the Rings who steals the one true ring, which corrupts him, turning him into a moral and physical monster. This is clearly a false comparison.
Sazonova should have compared Ukraine to the evil Sauron.
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744325]
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The Texas Health Department Will Likely Recommend Breath Mints
Long haul trucker Amos "Amazing" Zingrano was on his third bottle of pee when he realized that he wasn't going anywhere and he could just dump his urine on the Mexican side of the border with the United States while his truck sat idle. "It was quite a relief," he said, "in all senses of the word."
When Texas Governor Gregg Abbott ordered an enhanced inspection routine at the border, causing a miles long backup of trucks entering the US, everybody expected goods in the state to become scarcer and inflation to raise even higher than it had been going. Nobody expected a public sanitation crisis.
"Whoo whee, but that's ripe!" commented border inspector Hector Whitebread, frantically waving his arms in front of his face to try and dispel the stench. "If the Governor intends to continue the inspections, he should issue everybody working on the border gas masks!"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2022/04/19/national/main542815.shtml]
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According to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the Biden budget of 2022 would "dramatically increase liberal spending and slap the biggest tax hikes [in] American history on top." According to Senator Rick Scott, the chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, an 11 point plan is needed that will, among other things, raise taxes on half of Americans.
"Sometimes, the Republicans make it too easy," Press Secretary Jen Psaki grinned.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2022Apr20.html]
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"They Remind Me Too Much Of Who I'm Becoming," He Didn't Have To Add
Mickey Mouse has not publicly commented on Florida Governor Ron DeSantis' move to strip Walt Disney World of its self-governing and tax exempt status, but sources close to the leader claim that he is furious.
"Ole Mick has been screamin' at his television set and throwin' things at people in the office - I dang near got mah ear knocked off by a ashtray - oh, yes he has! Yes, he has! Yes, he has!" said one of Mickey's most dogged supporters. "But gosh darnit if he don't have a point: we employ 80,000 people in the state, and reimburse local governments for things like security. The Governor is doin' us wrong, you ask me. Doin' us real wrong!"
Governor DeSantis responded to allegations that the move was intended to punish a corporation that had, however belatedly and weakly, opposed his "Don't say gay" legislative agenda with a shrug. "I don't debate cartoon characters," he sourly stated.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=52ddccd9-f6f3-9f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a376]
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The Truth Social Hurts
Fox News has announced that it does not have an account on Truth Social, the social network founded by former President Donald Trump. To which @FoxNews responded: "I r not a bort! A blot! A blort! I r a real human bean!"
@NFL added: "Go go go @FoxNews! None blorts on Truth Social! All people all a time!"
Not to be outdone, @NASA stated: "Ignore 'blort' designation on my feed. Like @NFL, like @FoxNews, i no blort! We all real peoples here!"
It makes you wonder if there are any real peoples on Truth Social.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/220418/geeklynews/01paulblorthahaha.htm]
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Music Lovers Greene To The Gills At The Very Thought
At the hearing in Atlanta to determine if Marjorie Taylor Greene should be constitutionally barred from running for reelection because of her alleged role in the January 6 insurrection, her most common responses to questions were, "I don't remember," "I don't recall," and "I have no memory of anything at all."
Critics of the maverick (how do you like them crab apples, Sarah Palin‽) Republican Congresswoman have it wrong when they accuse her of lying under oath. Greene was actually auditioning to be the lead singer in a Peter Gabriel tribute band!
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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