Thank you, Siobhan Chevron, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we woke up and the sun was shining brightly and we were filled with the promise of a brand new day, gleeful with anticipation of all of the great people we would meet and wonderful experiences we would have, giddy at the thought that this day would be unlike any other day that had come before it or would come after it, determined to mine each moment for the maximum amount of joy which it contained. Then...
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Enjoy,Vladimir Potanin Paid The Postage On The Cards - He Can Afford It!
President Vladimir Putin has denied western allegations that Russian troops are amassing on the border with Ukraine as a precursor to an invasion. "They're just there for a vacation," he insisted. "To soak up Ukrainian culture - what little of it there is - and taste the local cuisine - not that it in any way compares to good old borscht and potatoes! Invasion? Please! I have a hundred thousand 'Wish you were here' postcards that say otherwise!"
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744307]
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Anti-vaccination Convoy Borders On Insanity
At first, anti-vaccine protesters blockaded hospitals, harassing staff and doing their best to ensure that ambulances were not able to deliver patients to emergency wards. Because nothing says, "Respect my freedom" more than disrespecting the freedom of others...to live...
The Absurd Ironyometer was prepared to respond to this when the anti-vaxxers abandoned the tactic. Killing people by spreading a deadly disease is morally acceptable, killing them by interfering with their medical treatment is not. It's a fine line, to be sure, but one they're willing to snort.
The Absurd Ironyometer knew it would just have to wait the anti-vaxxers out; it was only a matter of time before they would do something else to which it would feel the need to respond. Sure enough, it wasn't long before its faith in human foolishness was rewarded.
Proponents of the so-called "freedom convoy" had argued that if the vaccine mandate on cross-border truckers was allowed to stand, it would disrupt supply chains and leave store shelves empty. How did they make this point? By blockading border crossings such as the one at the Peace Bridge, disrupting supply chains and causing many industries (such as the auto industry) to furlough its workers.
The Absurd Ironyometer face planted and decided that it needed to reconsider the value of being "rewarded" for its faith in human foolishness.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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False Flag This Article For Future Reference
President Vladimir Putin has denied allegations that reports that Ukraine is about to invade his country are part of a false flag campaign intended to justify Russia's invasion of Ukraine. "That is their plan. Yep. No two ways about it," he insisted, adding: "I didn't say it was a smart plan..."
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744308]
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May I Be Candice With You?
Deputy Leader Candice Bergen was chosen as interim Conservative Party Leader after the ouster of Erin O'Toole. Conservative moderates hoped she would offer a calming influence that would help unite disparate factions within the party. Conservative lunatics moaned, "They chose Murphy Brown to lead the party‽ How soon can I apply my Second Amendment remedies!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2022/02/13/bergenyourpardon220213]
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She's Filing Her Nails While They're Draining The Swamp
A court filing by John Durham, former President Donald Trump's attack special council, in the case of Michael Sussmann has set off a firestorm of accusations in right-wing media that Hillary Clinton was electronically spying on Trump while he was in the Oval Office. The accusations were so false, thousands of teenage boys in the District of Colombia and nearby states wrongly breathed a sigh of relief that their girlfriends were not pregnant.
An Ipsos-Factos poll found the following public reaction to the firestorm:
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2022-02-18-durham-bull_x.htm]
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President Vladimir Putin has denied allegations that reports that Ukrainian oppression of its ethnic Russian minority amounts to genocide are part of a misinformation campaign intended to justify Russia's invasion of Ukraine. "Ukrainians are evil bastards," he insisted. "Just look at the clown they elected President!"
So, the Ukrainian government is fomenting pogroms against its Russian minority?
"No."
But the Ukraine government is herding ethnic Russians into ghettoes and seizing all their property?
"Well, no..."
Still, the Ukraine government is definitely sending Russians to gulags.
President Putin's eyes narrowed as he said, "Are you being a smartass? Because, we had a saying in the KGB: nobody likes a smartass."
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744310]
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Don't Let The Mudflap Hit Your Ass On The Way Out
After posting surety, the leaders of the Free Dumb Convoy left Ottawa whining about how unfairly they had been treated by the police, whom they thought were their friends.
"I wouldn't say it was whining, exactly," stated organizer Benjamin "B. J., But It Doesn't Stand For What You Think It Stands For, You Pervert" Dichter. "It was more like obser
The Situation Has Escalated Beyond The Point Where Couples Therapy Would Help
In a move that had international diplomats and professional fish herders scratching their heads, Russian Premier Vladimir Putin has complained about American President Joe Biden calling out the false flag operations he had planned as a pretext for invading Ukraine.
"The key to a successful relationship is surprising your partner," Putin stated. "How am I supposed to do that when my partner is blabbing all of my secrets to the
Does Anybody Hear A High-pitched Noise...?
"Did...did you just interrupt my statement with another article?" Dichter complained. "And now that I've had a moment to reflect, is this article on page B8, the back of the sports section? You're reporting on the Freedom Convoy after the Olympic women's 1200 metre freestyle casserole baking competition‽ Do you have any idea how much of an impact our protest had on
Get With The Programme, Convoy Boy
It's the way the news cycle works. It's a force of nature, really.
You Hear The High-pitched Noise Now? Anybody Remember Where I Put The Can Of Bug Repellent?
"I knew there was a reason I hated the mainstream media," Dichter muttered. Not that anybody was listening any more...
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20220220.eladvote0220_@/BNStory/newsOops2022/]
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