If you ask that question, the terrorists will win!
Sorry. Just warming up. Don't mind me. What did you want to know?
3. How...how am I supposed to ask anything after that?
Timidly and with great deference to your political masters, in the best traditions of democratic discourse, of course.
4. Sooooo....what is in Bill C-51, the new anti-terrorist legislation proposed by the Harper Government of Canada?
They plan to give those brave bureaucrats at CSIS the operational power to disrupt terrorist networks working in Canada.
5. Operational power? So, CSIS agents will be able to do field work like investigating, interrogating and arresting suspects? Really? Wasn't CSIS created as a strictly intelligence gathering agency when the RCMP abused its power to investigate, interrogate and arrest suspects?
Pft! I'm talking about an existential threat to the country and you wanna talk history?
6. Erm...at least Parliament will oversee CSIS to ensure that its new powers are not abused, right? Right?
Sure, the opposition parties want oversight of CSIS. I want a jet pack and a nuclear-powered pogo stick. Life is full of disappointments. Your naivete would be charming if the lives of every Canadian citizen at home and abroad, alive or dead, wasn't at risk!
7. What is the rationale for not giving Parliament the responsibility for overseeing CSIS?
Those heckling harridans of humourless hackery? Please! The collective IQ on the opposition's backbenches is lower than a cactus on a tequila bender! I wouldn't trust them to oversee my six year-old's piggy bank!
8. Who will make sure CSIS doesn't abuse its new powers?
They will have to go through judges to get "disrupt threat" warrants just like everybody else.
9. Conservative appointed judges who never met a civil rights violation that they didn't love?
You make that sound like a bad thing.
10. Anybody else? Please tell me that somebody else will be monitoring CSIS' behaviour.
Of course. SIRC will continue to oversee CSIS activity.
11. The organization that makes the monkey who cannot see evil seem prescient and the monkey that can speak no evil seem gregarious by comparison? Why am I not comforted by this?
The government can hardly be held responsible for your cynicism.
12) Why is the government enacting these laws?
According to the Prime Minister, "Jihadi terrorism is one of the most dangerous enemies our world has ever faced." And, that should be good enough for you - I know it's good enough for me!
13) What does "Jihadi terrorism" have to do with threats to economic or fiscal stability, which are also part of CSIS' newly legislated mandate?
Do they not have economic terrorism where you come from?
14) Does this mean that an environmentalist protesting an oil pipeline could be considered a terrorist if delaying the pipelined would result in lost revenue to the oil company?
Canadians involved in legitimate free speech have nothing to worry about from the new law.
15) That's good to - wait, a minute. Wait just a hairy minute. Who decides what is "legitimate free speech?"
I could tell you, but then CSIS would have to kill you. Ha ha ha! But, umm, actually, the legislation doesn't give CSIS quite that much power. That will happen in the next round of legislation after the Conservatives win the next election. But, aah, you didn't hear that from me - I certainly don't want CSIS accusing me of a security breach!
16) Erk! ...So, what kind of threat exactly are we talking about here? A standing army of a million trained and heavily armed soldiers with the might of one of the most industrialized countries on the planet behind them?
Worse! A handful of crazy people in basements!
17) Erm...not exactly Nazi Germany, is it?
These are times of diminished expectations. Have you looked at your paycheque recently?
18) Let's leave my financial insolvency out of this, okay?
You started it...
19) My point is that the odds of a Canadian being killed in a terrorist attack on Canadian soil are worse than the odds of a Canadian having his testicles gnawed off by a beaver. They are lower than the odds of a Canadian getting hit by lightning seconds after finding out that they won a million dollar lottery and George Clooney returned their call. Hell, they are lower than the odds of the Toronto Maple Leafs winning the Stanley Cup! Why is the government taking such drastic action against such a minor problem?
Pft! I'm talking about an existential threat to the country and you wanna talk math?20) But, I mean, nobody talked about "disrupting" the Nazi's ability to wage war. Is such Prime Ministerial rhetoric an acknowledgement that this isn't really a war?
Is that somebody knocking on your door?
21) I didn't hear anything. Did you -?
You're right. When CSIS comes for you, they'll probably dispense with the pleasantry of knocking and break your door down. Are you sure you want to ask any more questions...?