Thank you, Takahashi Sosueme, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the car we were in was cut off; it was almost rammed by a taxi. We swore profusely at the unseen cabbie, and we weren't even the ones who were driving! You know how new drivers are taught "defensive driving?" We stopped getting behind the wheel because we were into "offensive driving."
Or, to put it another way, we were into road rage before road rage was cool.
Enjoy,He Who Lives By The Word...Well, You Can Complete That Thought On Your Own...
CLARIFICATION
We've been asked why Bigots Without Borders hasn't been more vocal in its support of Charlie Hebdo after Islamic terrorists shot up the joint. Hey! We loved their cartoons - we put the one showing Mohammed sodomizing 72 virgins with a Kalshnikov rifle on the door of the fridge in our office! As an added benefit, the cartoon pretty much ended the practice of people taking food that didn't belong to them. In fact, you had to have a strong stomach to want to eat something that did belong to you after seeing that!
Funny stuff.
But, we must remind our members that Charlie Hebdo also ran cartoons like the one that depicted Bigots Without Borders Founding Hater Franklin Whitebreit having sex with a black male Rabbi while singing a White Bozz tune. Okay, Whitebreit had to resign from the organization six months later when it turned out that he had had sex with a black male Rabbi (the reports did not say what he may have been singing at the time), but, when the cartoon was first published, he denied the rumours completely. In this case, Charlie Hebdo was just being scurrilous.
As you can see, we were conflicted.
We think we have come up with a solution to this dilemma. Bigots Without Borders now offers complete, 73 per cent solidarity with the editors and staff of Charlie Hebdo. Except Maurice Laflambe - racially sensitive bastard!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Never Attribute To Malice What Can Plausibly Be Denied By Bureaucratic Incompetence
A man who had served nine years because he was deemed by the American government to be a radical eco-terrorist has been freed amid claims that the FBI hid evidence from his defense at trial. A lot of evidence. A big heaping pileful of evidence. Like, thousands of pages of the stuff. Called evidence.
FBI spokeweasel Gretchen Fergessen sighed, "Oh, like you've never lost a memo?"
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2015/01/05/nationalnews/main547715.shtml]
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Oh, No! Not A Puppy! What Happens If The Boss Decides It Threatens The Mission?
Tuesday. 9pm. CBS. CSI: Cyborg. Steve Austin and the Terminator catch a case of a murdered Wall Street Banker who may have manipulated high speed trades of junk bonds to fund Texas secessionists. Also, to humanize itself for its co-workers in order to lighten up the worklplace, head of the squad Hal-9000 gets a puppy.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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I'll Take My Fifteen Nanoseconds Of Fame Any Way I Can Get Them
So, I'm sitting behind my computer, wracking my brain trying to figure out why all of my social mediaing hasn't made me a rich and famous writer yet, and it hits me: my name is too long! In times of instantaneous communications when things that are passe are "so thirty seconds ago," people today want celebrities with short names (J-Lo, Riri, etc. etc.).
So, from now on you can call me I-Na. Or, possibly I-Nay. Or, maybe Ir-Na. Whichever catches on quickest...
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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It's Not Exactly John Lennon
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/the-rice-is-not-right/]
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I'd Like To Say I Care About This Butt...
June de la Plinth, a woman who injected lug nuts, cream cheese or powdered moose antlers into women's buttocks using syringes attached to a caulking gun or, once, a weed whacker, has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault.
"But," protested client Ramona Padwhiller, "she came highly recommended!"
The Crown is asking for a sentence of nine to 10 years in prison, but Antonin Dado, de la Plinth's defense lawyer, has argued that she should be sentenced to time served because she once cried while watching Night of the Living Dead. "Has my client not suffered enough?" he emoted.
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2014/12/24/509727.html]
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Global Executives Respond, "Never Heard Of This Guy. You Sure He Was On our Network?"
Global Television senior news anchor Leslie Roberts has resigned after it was revealed that clients of a PR firm that he partly owned made numerous appearances on his show, sometimes even being interviewed by him. However, Roberts said that his behaviour had a humanitarian motive.
"I felt bad for the problems CBC personnel were having dealing with the public broadcaster's scandals," Roberts explained. "If I have managed to take even a little bit of the heat off of them, I will consider the sacrifice of a 15 year career worth it!"
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/wickersham-dandy1.html]
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Its Travel Agent Recommended Afghanistan, But It's Having Doubts
In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo murders, France has affirmed its commitment to freedom of speech by arresting 54 people on charges of hate speech and defending terrorists.
The Absurd Ironyometer may have to change its travel plans...
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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The Good News Is That The Book Is Now Number Three On The Fiction Bestseller List
Alex Malarkey, who claimed to have visited heaven after a horrific 2004 car crash, now says that he made the whole thing up. As a result, Heaven Is for Real, the 2010 book based on his experience, has dropped from first to third on the New York Times' Christian Afterlife Fantasy bestseller list.
Vaulting into the top spot is Milligan Furbreath's I Was in Heaven and You Cannot Prove Otherwise! Holding steady in the number two spot is The Proof of Heaven's Existence is Overwhelming, Dammit! Why Don't You Believe? by Dr. Florinda McIvory.
There is no word, yet, on whether Greg Kinnear will renounce the film version of Heaven Is for Real in which he starred.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.93/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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